**This blog will talk about suicide, depression, death threats and racism**
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In three days it will be the one year anniversary of when I passively tried to commit suicide. I was out in Boston celebrating a friends birthday and was the happiest I had been in a while, it all changed when we started to walk back to my friends apartment. As the walk progressed I got further and further behind and waited for them to be in a deep conversation before ditching them. I roamed Boston until I found a deep dark alley and sat there vaping watching the world pass-by and hoping someone hurt me. My friends filed a missing persons report and searched for me. I was annoyed that I couldn't check the score of a youth European soccer game that I had bet on earlier in the night. I eventually walked back to my friends apartment around 6 am and sat outside because I knew I would have to deal with the consequences of my actions. The next day was extremely emotional and draining but I vowed I would [hopefully] never try to kill myself again not for myself but because it would have an effect on people I loved.
As a result I started going to therapy to resolve some issues from childhood and worked on bettering myself. I stopped gambling and drinking for ~4 months but and started being more active on League of Legends & Tengaged. I don't remember exactly how I met xcharliex during this time but it was either through a mutual friend on league or a tengaged game. We started playing almost nightly and talked about our horrible home life growing up, depression, anxiety.... all those fun things. It helped me process my thoughts outside of therapy and I felt like I was also helping him process things. During this time he developed feelings for me that were never reciprocated and would talk to people about me obsessively (he also made some awkward comments like calling me daddy on a call during a clash tournament which was very cringe). He also takes games very seriously and is toxic but that is something I would never entertain - if he flamed me during a league game I would stop responding until he apologized and calmed down.
In May I started a new job and was flown to Austin for a department meeting. For those of you who think work travel is glamorous.... it's not. Essentially my days were booked with meetings from 8 am - 6 pm followed by a group bonding activity and dinner so I would not get back to my hotel before 9 pm. This didn't leave a lot of time for the mutual survivor that Charlie and I were in. On one of the days before I flew home he was evicted (not by my doing) and he went off in my PMs. I think I had over 40 messages telling me to kill myself, that I was a freak & geek, and I was disgusting. I blocked him that day and have not talked to him since (except for some comment on my RTG account before I knew what his was). I also ended up getting Covid for the first time during that work trip and was sick for almost two weeks.
In the following weeks he tried to get mutual friends to add me to a chat with him or to talk to him again. He would say how much he loved and missed me, to kill myself, that I was disgusting and worthless on repeat for hours. When people eventually stopped responding to him he resorted to making new discord accounts to try and talk to me and spam call me on repeat for hours (I thank god for being able to silence notifications) always saying the same things and using things I had shared with him when we were friends to expose and try and hurt me. Throughout this I never responded as people were concerned for his mental health/well-being.
This leads to his actions today. I will not tolerate racism to anyone, let alone my best friend (https://tengaged.com/blog/DaddyDev/9928366/this-real-xcharliex ). Charlie previously told Edgar he wanted to call him slurs when he was mad at him and today he did. When his ban is up if you associate with him I will also cut you off because he knows what he did was wrong and doesn't care or try and better himself. I could have very easily ended up like Charlie, being trash because my family was trash, but I used that for motivation to do and be better.
This was my second time typing this because I got a white screen the first time so if I missed anything I'm sorry but feel free to ask me anything and I will answer honestly.
I’m extremely sorry you went through this & I’m sorry Charlie probably triggered you a lot during his time harassing you. I tried my best to stop him, but maybe I was more so focused on helping get him to leave Edgar alone & I’m sorry for that also. We don’t really know each other, but I’m happy you found Edgar and I know he thinks the world of you & I know you think the world of him, so hopefully this new path with you & him makes you feel a happiness you’ve wanted and clearly deserved for awhile. I promise that I will always stand by you & defend you any, and every time Charlie tries to interact with you. Because the harsh reality is he is not a good person and he knows it, yet he chooses to do nothing about it. The difference between you and him & I hope you recognize this, is that you’re a strong person & he’s a weak person. You’ll always be better & it’s why you’ll thrive in life. You’re a really good person and I hope you realize that, Sean.
Hey, I don't know you from a hole in the wall, but you are dating Edgar who I view as a little brother and would take a bullet for. This means I consider you online family now so deal with it. Teehee. Anyone who fucks with you fucks with me.
Now, your growth is not only commendable but absolutely inspirational. I can tell you've learned a lot since the dark days of your life, and I know you know by now that those really dark and low moments, for some who really want to change, will create momentum and propel you toward your true desires and the life you really want. Where you are today is a testament to that statement. Keep up the upward tragectory. Depression is real, suicidal thoughts are real, and for a close friend of yours to ever use that against you is awful. However, Charlie is an online friend from Tengaged, and truly good friends from this website are far and few between. He is not one of them. I'm glad you had enough self-worth and unshakable boundaries to have cut it off. What happened afterward really speaks to who he is and who you are not, and I know you are grateful for that.
You've come so far and you are in a really good place in life. That's what matters. I hope soon that you and Eddie log off this shithole and enjoy each other outside this environment. This place stifles growth and breeds negativity, and I know you both want growth and positivity. It will lay the foundation for everything else to come in your lives, which I know is happiness and abundance.
I'm sad that what happened to say made you feel the need to write this, but know there are others reading this who will truly benefit from it. So through the bullshit, there's a silver lining and you're helping others. Good on you and you will reap the rewards of it. Keep up the good vibes, it's the best way to attract what you want from life. I wish you and Eddie nothing but the best and know that experiences from your past have made you the man you are today and will aid in shaping the man you will be in the future. With the great perspective you hold, trust me you're on the right path.
Keep your chin up and don't stoke your goat too hard. All the best.
People are forgetting that this is the same Charlie who had an underaged photo saved of another Tengager which he used as leverage. I blocked him the day he told Mason to kill himself over a Roblox game, and as a result he made another Discord account to continue to harass me.
This is the sort of behavior that would get him arrested in the real world, and yet, this website has become so accustomed to it that he's only going to get a short slap-on-the-wrist ban and will return next week with his vile attitude.
First I want to say I'm sorry that he treated you that way and for everything you went through. Second, I'm also sorry if I said or did anything to hurt you on your R2G account it was said in the context of the game but I need to remember that things I say can still make an impact.
He’s the typical emotionally abusive bf type, I know he wasn’t your bf, but I had one who was exactly like this. It brings back really bad memories for me but you can and will get through this. It’s a tough road but you’re already on the right path so stick to it and you will be ok. Give us updates on how you are too and I’m always here on my main if you need to talk. Message me and I’ll give you my main.
I’m sorry this happened to you. Nobody deserves to have their irl problems thrown in their face especially over a game. Telling someone to kill themself over and over when knowing that they have attempted it before is truly sad. I wish you all the best. ❤️
