So I’ve considered suicide a lot recently
Nov 24, 2020
- Like I’ve been suicidal for a few months now but I have seriously been considering these past few days, things just are super hard for me right now whether it’s personal drama within my family, being laid off of my job because of covid, the holidays, my interactions with people on this site, being told I’m ugly and fat and dramatic and attention seeking and horrible names, bad breakups, losing friends, it’s just like everything that could be going wrong is doing just that. It’s like no matter what positives people say you should look at, I don’t have any of those.
Like a few months ago, I started to get into a lot of fights with people on here and there was so much miscommunication and I felt like people weren’t really hearing my side of things, and I was painted out to be dramatic and a troll and attention seeking, so what I did was I left, I left every group chat I was in, I started dating again, I was spending more time in my own life and left all of the negativity in this site because I thought that’s what people wanted was for me to just go away. So I did that, and I was so happy, I was in a better place mentally, but then my family started to cave in when my sister was sexually harassed by my cousin and it divided my family from everyone else in my family because nobody believed my sister, and then my mom developed depression for the first time in her life, got on antidepressants, and threatened to kill herself several times. My brother’s autism is just getting worse and worse by the day, nothing I’m my life is going alright right now so I came back to this site to try and distract myself from all of the negativity in my life. I have always been very self-conscious about my body and my appearance, and I’ve been open about my history of anorexia, and I’m ashamed to say it but I yet again have been starving myself, and trying to build up my self-consciousness by trying to convince myself that I’m skinny and that I’m cute, and once I do that, then people start calling me egotistical and conceited, so then I was like okay then let me just tell everyone how much I hate myself, but then it goes right back to people calling me attention seeking and dramatic, like I don’t know what to say or do that won’t be wrong in everyone’s eyes. I try being nice and just start making blogs that are more positive and then they’re just ignored and negged and I’m like??? I made a blog about me leaving my abusive ex-boyfriend and it was rage negged down to be a top blog and I was like??? Do people want me to be in pain and to be upset? I left all of my group chats and while I did try to reach out to the friends I thought I made, I was constantly either ignored or constantly the only person to reach out, and when I made it publicly aware on things like Snapchat or whatever that I was feeling really sad, all of them ignored me and I felt really alone. Like I just feel like either nobody cares about me, and those who do just dislike me.
When I came back and was more active these past two weeks, I’ve been called things like fat, ugly, a rat, a whore, a slut, attention seeking, and dramatic when I’ve done nothing?? Like several people, some of those even being my old friends have called my ugly, attention seeking, and dramatic. I’ve been called a slut and a whore and desperate because I’ve gone out with several guys and slept with several guys and I just can’t do this anymore, like I can’t escape from my real life onto here anymore which is why I joined this site to begin with, I have no place to vent and talk to anybody for help, and I can’t keep suppressing these feelings anymore, I’m so tired and I’m so overwhelmed and I feel misunderstood and abandoned. Since last night into today I’ve been considering killing myself tonight a lot. But I just know that if I do that I’m just going to make things so much worse for my mom and my brother and my family, and I just can’t be selfish and do that to them so I’m forced to just live with all of this sadness and depressive thoughts all by myself just so others don’t have to mourn for me and feel even worse, I’m just so sad I can’t fucking do this anymore.
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