I've struggled with whether I should post this several times over the past couple of years. I literally have no idea how this population will take it. But I think maybe, in some ways, it could be helpful to people? I don't know. But I guess there's no reason I shouldn't tell the story. Evidently, there are rumors on the grapevine, and I need those involved to understand the impact of their ageist lies.
I love my mother, and I always will, rest her soul. But she had a lot of developmental issues at a time when such things weren't acknowledged or addressed. She wasn't afraid of hard work, so she performed what menial jobs she could. While working as a janitor, she fell in love with my stepfather - an undocumented immigrant from Mexico. They married, had two more kids, and this story really isn't about them.
My stepfather had people who paid, whether friends, family, or strangers who had cause to travel illegally from Mexico to wherever their destinations were in the United States. My home became a sort of Mexican underground railroad where men would travel through, stay a few nights, and then move on. This was not a safe environment for me. I was attacked and molested to varying degrees well over 30 times by different strangers from the age of 6-11 when I moved to the safety of my mother's parents. My mother turned a blind eye. When I came forward, she blamed me, so I stopped coming forward.
I'm older now and forced to reflect upon my life and wonder just what damage was done in those years. When I first became attracted to anyone, it was older men, strictly. I sought out and pursued older men who were attracted to younger boys, and I had no qualms whatsoever about age difference. I laughed at the law, thinking myself more mature because I only associated with adults. Each adult who took advantage of me reinforced this falsehood that I was better than my peers. I have to this day, never been with anyone my age or younger, and I've never been on a traditional "date". I'm married to a man 20 years older than me. I have a difficult time associating with people my own age, (although the older I get, the easier it's getting - there's simply more people younger than me now.) Ya'll decide for yourself if you consider that damaged.
If you're a kid who's falling into this trap, stop and realize that the mind works in weird ways and normalizing behavior is a real thing. I urge you to stop.
If you're an adult who really thinks that the difference between an older teen and a young adult is no big deal, stop and realize that you could be reinforcing a mentality that could last far beyond your involvement. I urge you to stop.
If you're using pedo/predator as an ageist slur to create rumors about an innocent person, stop and realize that those word actually do have DEEP meanings and you minimize it each time you toss it out w/o cause. I urge you to stop.
If you're a victim right now, but have been conditioned to believe you aren't, I urge you to take a while and really think about where your future is headed. Maybe get the help I didn't get.
I'd like to thank smoothstalker12 and (ironically?) Eilish for their related blogs over the years which have helped me to have a better understanding of myself and this subject matter. It's been wild.
