Just wanted to share an update since I shared back in May about my mom's diagnosis of Lung Cancer but also my feelings because Tengaged can be a journal in the unique way that none of my IRL folks can see this (even though I also shared an update on my IG close friends).
But after 5 months, we were just informed last week that Chemotherapy treatment is no longer effective on my mother, and her cancer has returned to the stage it was at when we started treatments. So, for a moment when I had hope it's all crushed again. They're looking into clinical trials and other treatments at external hospitals in the area (since I live in NYC) so while there's not a 0% chance of any success, there's like a 19% chance of survival at this point.
My mom is trying to stay optimistic, and is still determined to fight as much as she can but is also having her moments of breaking down. There have been a couple of times where she contemplated giving up, but we kind of get back in the saddle and she continues. We were at a family party this past weekend, and she cried that she was happy to be there but it could also be her last.
For me, I am an emotional wreck lmao. I'm lucky to have my boyfriend and my close friends who all support me but my family has not been there and is complete ass, excluding my Dad who has been helpful for once. I haven't had a good night's sleep since we received the update last Wednesday. Honestly I at least had Stars to keep me busy and I dove headfirst into Civ 6 and other games, because any time I have tried to put myself in a social setting I'm miserable and have to excuse myself to leave early because I can't get the thought of my mom dying, and suffering along the way, out of my head.
Trying to maintain the balance between my personal life and her life has been harder, so I'm in the process of starting anti-depressants because I need that little boost. I've honestly never felt this awful in my life, but also feels like being stuck on a loop of sadness and negative thoughts without any relief in sight on top of the things I normally do not feeling enjoyable any more.
Honestly, the best relief right now has been from the quickies - TikToks, messages in games, Frookies, Snapchats etc. Longer things like dinner or a drag show I cannot do yet, but going to force myself to go to a friend's birthday party this weekend.
A lot of you reached out to me last time I blogged with support and I'm sorry I didn't respond, but I appreciate it. Here's my discord if anybody wants to chat/vent with me/start a mini support group or something. BbJonathan#2314
I’m so sorry Jon. I hope one of the treatments yields success and I am so sorry you’re bearing so much of this yourself. Thinking of you and your family. Please message me if u need to vent/talk
So heartbreaking. I’ve had a similar experience watching a loved one suffer with lung cancer and it’s absolutely awful. Praying for your mom & sending good vibes to both of you!💜💜
I'm so sorry to read this, and you and your mom will be in my thoughts from now on. She was always an iconic presence on our calls together and made us laugh plenty of times, even when she didn't know it. I pray you both can get through this and that she will be ok. This is just not fair.
