I just went online to check if my mail-in vote for Batya was counted, and IT WASN'T. How can they call a winner when not every vote has been counted? everyone else who mailed in a vote, please go online and check the status, there is treachery happening
I cannot believe it took 3 episodes to make it through the first fucking elimination, but how else was I going to introduce 10 other contestants along with some critical NPCs without making the longest fucking script in history.
Reflecting on the previous week, I didn’t have my best performance but I am here and one of my biggest enemies is outside of the house. Production let us know we’d be having our first ever photoshoot this week, which has me excited. I had a message on my PDA telling me that the theme for this week is the Seasons, of which I was assigned Summer.
I headed to Erica’s boutique where I was thinking of dressing myself in Daisy Dukes, bikini on top. However, I was floored by this beautiful blue gown she had designed for the summer collection. It was blue like the color blue; and was covered in jewels as if it was covered in jewels. I immediately snatched it up, thinking that some summer-themed formal wear would make me standout against all the girls who were probably going to be in beach wear. That being said, I was also afraid of overdressing, so I also bought a fun red hat to dress down the outfit a bit. It was perfect. I felt like a top model contestant who was wearing a blue dress and a red hat.
After that, I didn’t have anything else on the agenda, so I thought I’d socialize a bit more and get to know people a little bit better. Ironically, my closest relationship in the house was with my driver Eric. He’s been a home away from home while I’m away from my boyfriend Thomas. Every day Eric tells me how beautiful I am. He’s sweet, but I could never cheat on Thomas. That being said, I don’t mind being a tease for information. I asked him if he had any dirt on the judges or other contestants. He told me that Dave the trainer is from a country that exports a lot of potassium, and that host Victoria’s real name is actually Julie.
Nothing particularly useful, but interesting nonetheless. I headed to the gym to fit in a workout with Dave where I confronted him about his nationality, and he revealed himself to be from Kazakhstan. Very cool, but I don’t think they vaccinate for hepatitis where he comes from, so I’ll be bringing some hand sanitizer and fresh hand towel that I will trash immediately after to every workout from now on.
I headed back to the house to talk to some of the girls. I was hoping to shoot the breeze with Katie, since we bonded over talking shit about Monica last week. However, she was very displeased to see me. She says all I want to do is gossip and talk shit, which isn’t wrong, but rude and annoying. Clearly, I can’t rely on Katie to be my friend anymore.
I hit up my next best Judy, now my #1 Judy, Heather. As a home-schooled rich girl, she doesn’t really grasp the nuances of manipulation and social interaction. So, I decided to gas-light her, I told her everyone in the house hates her and I’m her only friend. This will keep her in line and me in the loop of any information she obtains. I hugged her and gave her some air kisses and went off to bed.
Apparently, people like to get their daily dose of confrontation in in the mornings, because as I was about to leave for my day in the city, Sarah comes up. She talks about how I sleep with my mouth open and how I look stupid. She’s also mad that we both decided to wear the same hat, and that she was going to make one of us change. We came to blows, but this time I bested her ass. One quick shove to the floor was all I needed to get her to back off. I would post footage, but production has told me that the cameras weren’t rolling. I guess me winning a fight is not part of a narrative they want to push. Whatever.
As I arrived in the city, I found out that this week everyone was getting MAKEOVERS! I’m willing to take any haircut they want to throw at me. Christine the beautician told me that my jawline is too beautiful to hide behind shoulder-length hair, and told me I was getting a shorter cut colored blonde to bring out my eyes and complexion. I really think this look is gonna age me, but I’m not gonna be the girl who goes home because she didn’t want to submit to a makeover. She also painted my face with teal eyeshadow, periwinkle eyeliner, and orange lipliner with no lipstick. I felt so beautiful. The colors in my hair and makeup are really gonna wake the judges up like “wake up guys!” I was then informed I needed to head to the photo studio immediately, as it was time for me to be in my first photoshoot.
I headed to the photo studio to meet the photographer Peter. He was a total sleeze-bag, but I figured a few flirty giggles and eyelash bats might get me some extra frames in the photoshoot.
The photoshoot was me against a summery picnic backdrop. I was told I only had 3 frames to shoot, so I had to make them count. I took a deep breath, exhaled, and refused to breathe for the next minute as I banged out my shots. I was able to land a stunning shot with one hand on my head and the other on my hip. Before leaving, Peter gave me some good feedback. I confidently returned home and went off to sleep.
I awoke the next morning to terrified shrieks from Jaime. “Y-You’re face” she whimpered incredulously. I quickly ran to the full-length body mirror on the wall with mouth agape. My face had completely broken out in acne. I forgot to wash off my photoshoot makeup from the night before. Jaime yanked me by the arm to the bathroom to wash everything off. She gave me a full facial cleanse with products we had between us, along with taking a dab or two of stuff from Heather’s shower caddy.
I had my doubts about Jaime originally, but maybe I was wrong about her. She told me Christine might be able to cover me up enough to pass on the runway. I thanked her and told her if she ever needed any favors to call me.
Luckily, I was able to have Christine re-apply my makeup before I went out on the runway for judging. Once again, my catwalk was superb, and I received positive feedback from all the judges, much better than last week.
And once again, it’s time for callouts and another elimination. This week I feel like I stand a good chance of leading the pack, and this doesn’t come from a deluded sense of self-grandeur this time.
First callout and best photo goes to…….. Barbara (ok I guess, she isn’t gonna get any screen time otherwise. We love a no personality gamebot)
2nd photo ………….. Mel (YES YES YES YES, I redeemed myself. Epic poggers moment for me)
3rd photo……. Sarah (although I would like to see her lower in the callout order, all that matters is that I beat her this week)
4th photo…. Hannah
5th photo…… Nicole
6th photo…… Heather (yay! Hugs my bestie)
7th photo…. Monica
8th photo….. Katie
The bottom 2 girls Jaime and Kimberly then stepped forward. If you had asked me last week, I would have wanted Jaime to go. But, after she saved my acne-ridden ass this morning, I couldn’t bear the thought of her leaving. Kimberly is a nice girl, but really nothing special at the end of the day. I held my breath as Victoria aka Julie revealed the final photo
.……………………….. Jaime (yessssssss).
I gave Jaime a tearful hug as she approached the rest of us safe girls. Kimberly probably wanted to get off camera as quick as possible as to not be caught crying, so she blew us some kisses from the catwalk and immediately dipped. Poor thing.
The show has begun to pick up some steam in the ratings, a few people in the city are starting to recognize me and the girls on the street now. I figured I’d interact with some of them walking by. Turns out I’m not really well liked. One woman thinks I’m very unprofessional. I thought I would at least be liked by the gays, but this one faggot I talked to was pissed at me over his fave Vanessa’s elimination. Like boohoo.
I woke up the next day to the grating sound of an unfamiliar voice. This was the last thing I needed, since I wanted proper rest to recover from Sarah leaving me to fry like an egg on the asphalt outside Chomps. After rubbing my eyes a few times and grumbling a bit, I noticed I was woken up by the new girl in the house named Hannah.
She wanted to ask me if I had used my PDA yet and what I thought of all the cool buttons and if I knew all the features. First of all, this is 2020, these PDAs are outdated by at least 10 years. Second of all, who the fuck wakes someone up to talk about PDA functions with them? After tuning out most of what Hannah was saying, I caught her saying she was formerly from Amish country, so I guess that’s why she’s so blown away by technology that most people threw in a plastic bin full of unknown cords in the back of their closet years ago. I also realized that she’s stupid. Not quite like Monica, but more in a medical condition sort of way.
I stepped outside for a moment, which is where I bumped into the new host of the show Victoria. At first, I thought she was angry with me by the tone of her voice, but then I realized she just had a very bastardized European accent. She’s actually pretty cool, but does she really have the personality to have a moment that’s even a 6/10 in terms of excitement? Not sure. She seemed busy so I hopped into the car with Eric and headed towards the city, since I was told I had to go register for a gym membership with the personal trainer.
He also spoke with a strange accent. I wanted to ask him where he was from, but I didn’t wanna seem rude. If I had to guess, I think he’s from one of those European countries that’s way far to the East; you know, the ones you’re not sure if they classify as European, Middle Eastern, or Asian. If I had to make a guess, I’d say Armenia, but maybe I’ll pick up more clues in the coming weeks. He wanted to run me through a quick fitness test to see my baseline. Let’s say, I didn’t really do that well. He had me do some aerobic routine with moves I never heard of before.
I was not getting it down, and he shamed me for not being physically fit. Like, I’m sorry I’m not from Azerbaijan. I’m sorry I had toys growing up. I’m sorry I had better things to do than starve and use my body as my only form of entertainment. Whatever.
As I was leaving, I met the final girl of the competition, Nicole. She’s blonde and skinny, so obviously she was going to be a raging cunt. I didn’t have time for her. So, I just walked away while she kept yelling obscenities at me.
I’m getting a memo from my production aide right now. Apparently I forgot to introduce the audience to someone named Barbara. Apparently she was one of the first people I met on the show. Either she was just really boring and unmemorable, or Sarah hit my head so hard I lost all memory of her. But yeah, Barbara. She wears a pretty cool black coat.
After a night out of some more shopping in the city, I head to bed. The first runway and judging was the next day, and I wanted to be well rested. The night was cool and calm. The morning, the complete opposite.
Remember that bitch Vanessa who called me fat day 1. Well she must’ve gotten a tip from production that she was one of the judges’ favorites or something cause she woke me up out of bed just to tell me that she’s winning the competition and I’m going home. Again, couldn’t you wait till I actually woke up at 11am for this? I fired shots back at her, telling her she’ll never be a runway model with her bowlegs.
Model legs should look like this: ||
Not like this: < >
And for the 2nd time, before even the first elimination, a fight broke out. I was still groggy from being abruptly woken, so when I all my swings were misses. Eventually I got pushed down hard onto the wooden floors. I decided to just lay there instead of continuing the fight. Mostly cause I just wanted some more sleep.
I’ve already been in 2 fights and they were with the only 2 black people in the house. I hope this doesn’t come off racist on camera.
Anyways, later that evening was the first judging. We would walk the runway and then receive critiques on our fitness, fashion styling, and overall walk. In terms of runway, I say I killed it. I could see the stankness in the faces of the other girls as they watched me pound the catwalk.
Eventually it was my turn to be judged.
Dave told me I was fat. An obese blob. The center of gravity in the ANTM house. Well not really; he just said I needed to work on my fitness. But as an insecure woman, I heard the previous statements in my head.
I was feeling confident going into the call-outs. I didn’t think I would win, but I figured I probably did enough to be in the top 3 or 4.
Victoria started the call-outs:
First…. Sarah (*glares stankly*)
Second… Hannah
Third… Nicole
Fourth…. Barbara
At this point I realize I may not have done as well as I thought….
Fifth…… Jamie (clearly lack of professionalism does not matter to this panel)
Sixth…. Kimberly
Seventh…. Monica
What is happening? How am I in the bottom 4 girls? This is inconceivable.
Eight…. Katie
Ninth………………………….. Mel
Holy fucking shit finally. I am in tears as I go to pick up my photo. Victoria tells me a moment on the lips does not have to be a lifetime on the hips if I do some cardio.
The bottom 2 of Heather and Vanessa step forward. Obviously, I am praying that Vanessa goes home. It would be extremely satisfying to see her conceited ass go home after all the shit she talked this morning. Plus, Heather brought a huge wardrobe with her when she moved in. I feel like I could steal an outfit from her and she wouldn’t notice. I have a sinking feeling in my stomach that Victoria is going to save Vanessa for the purpose of the drama she causes around the house. I swallow the spit that I have been holding in my mouth as Victoria announces the final girl moving on
Victoria: my final photo goes to………………………… Heather
*twerks so much, but in my mind as to not seem disrespectful to the judges*
Vanessa actually had a genuine sadness as she hugged Victoria for the final time. Maybe I misunderstood her. I doubt it though. Fucking glad she’s gone.
Let it be said though. ANTM replaced all the black judges with European bitches. And of the two black girls cast, one of them went home first. I’m really feeling *eyes emoji* at this, but I guess at the end of the day this works to my advantage as an exotic white woman. Plus, I will not shed a tear if Sarah goes home next week.
I awoke the next day, and immediately got dressed and headed into the kitchen for my daily 5 plates of fruit slices to start the day. That is when my first competitor, Vanessa.
She had beautiful skin the color of a fun-size Almond Joy bar. Her hair was looking a bit straggly, I figured she was probably from a state with a dry climate like Arizona and her perm couldn’t handle the tropical humidity here. Her dress looked like something from Pac-Sun, but like in worse fabric quality? I think that budget version of Pac-Sun is called Rue 21, but I might have also seen this dress when I’m in line at the Auntie Anne’s kiosk at the mall and catch a glimpse of the Aeropostale store front. In an attempt to make friends, I offered her a plate of sliced fruit. However, she decided that she wanted to be confrontational and made comments about my eating habits.
I decided to laugh her off, but I can tell she doesn’t really like me. We then heard the doorbell ring and were greeted by another girl named Kimberly.
Nothing too striking about her, but she seems like the kind of white girl that Asian people love to book for the beauty product commercials. We exchanged pleasantries, but I don’t think we’ll be building any close bonds soon. Luckily, two more girls showed up right before the conversation started to get awkwardly quiet between us, thank God.
First was Monica, she seems really sweet, but by the slurring of her words I could tell she was probably riding a shorter bus when she was still in high school. However, it’s nice to have someone genuinely nice in this house, I do hope she sticks around.
Also, a nice girl with an interest in gaming. I could tell she came from money as the extra Switch Pro Controllers she brought for some ‘girls’ night’ multiplayer gaming were Nintendo-licensed, nothing like the MadCatz controllers I had. She brought a lot of luggage with her, production woefully helped her carry her many bags to her room. In the meantime, one of the aides let us know that some of the girls had already dropped of their bags earlier in the day and were out exploring the city and meeting the judges. They told me our assigned driver, Eric, was on call for transportation whenever we needed. So, I hopped in the back of the limo and headed to the city.
I’ve grown up in some fairly nice suburbs over the years, but this city is so much more than I could ever imagine. I’ve seen it in so many movies, magazines, and celebrity rehab tv shows over the years, and I just couldn’t believe I was actually here. After a few minutes of walking around alone, I found in the presence of the iconic plaza at the corner of Designer St. I asked my accompanying aide to snap a picture of me near the sign.
On my map, production marked a clothing store where we would be getting all our outfits from. I was told there would be a stylist, but apparently, they’re giving us an allowance to buy our own clothing that will be used on the runway and in photoshoots, ok. On the way there I met Katie.
We instantly bonded over the fact that we’re both Asian. She told me a funny story of a conversation she had with Monica on their flight together. She asked Monica how many of the 50 states she had been to. Monica responded with “actually there is only 49 states now since scientists discovered Pluto isn’t one.” We clittled and I gave her some positive affirmation of her superior intelligence over Monica before I left.
I went to the clothing shop. Production told me that this week’s theme was causal clothing. I used my allowance to buy a nice white top, floral skirt, and some yellow tennis sneakers. I thought I kinda looked like shit, but when I met with stylist Michelle later in the day, she let me know I looked great. She also asked me to fetch one of my fellow contestants Jaime. Now, I thought about just ignoring that request and leaving Jaime out to dry, but I thought it’d be nice of me to introduce myself.
That being said, Jaime immediately was rude to me and told me in other words to fuck off. She also let me know she’s skipping out on her appointment with Michelle anyways. Like great, I spent all this time walking for no reason. Whatever.
I was pissed. To calm my nerves, I decided to head over to the local Chomps restaurant to get a fill of some serotonin-stuffed carbs. When I got there, I saw another contestant named Sarah waiting for me. Now, as more and more contestants flooded in, the cameramen slowly started to lose interest in me. I haven’t had one following me for at least an hour. I figured they probably got enough footage of me being the nice girl that gets treated shitty for no reason. Luckily, Sarah had a cameraman with her at the time of our meeting. That’s when I decided to make a bold move.
After introducing myself to Sarah, I decided to give her a left-handed compliment about how great her nose job looks. Sarah became furious at this vehemently denying she had work done. In all fairness her nose job was very well done, but it took one quick flick of her head slightly towards the ceiling for me to see the scar. I poked the bear even more, trying to get her to throw hands at me with security breaking us up. Sarah did throw hands, but security did nothing to stop her.
In fact, they told us to take it to the restaurant parking lot as to not get any blood inside the establishment that was sponsoring the show. I was able to knock down Sarah once with a push to the ground, but that just made her angrier. She began throwing windmill punches at me. I attempted to run away, knowing I was outmatched, but she just grabbed me by the back of my head and slammed me down into the concrete. I don’t remember much of what happened after that, except that she violently shook me some more. I think I overheard a cameraman saying, “step out of the building shadows, we can’t get a good shot,” but I was too out of it to be sure. After a few more minutes of me being pushed and hit. Sarah decided to leave me lying there.
There I was, bruised and foolish. I definitely needed to get some food in me after that, but I was too embarrassed to walk back into Chomps for a burger. Eric the driver drove me home. I grabbed a slice of pizza from the fridge and went upstairs to lick my wounds until I fell asleep. Hopefully nothing too visible is left on my body. On the bright side, I think I won’t have to worry about not being on camera anymore.
To be continued…
PLUS IF YOU OWN SOMETHING FROM AMERICAN EAGLE OR AEROPOSTALE 
It’s a new day, yes, it is.
