I woke up the next day to the grating sound of an unfamiliar voice. This was the last thing I needed, since I wanted proper rest to recover from Sarah leaving me to fry like an egg on the asphalt outside Chomps. After rubbing my eyes a few times and grumbling a bit, I noticed I was woken up by the new girl in the house named Hannah.
She wanted to ask me if I had used my PDA yet and what I thought of all the cool buttons and if I knew all the features. First of all, this is 2020, these PDAs are outdated by at least 10 years. Second of all, who the fuck wakes someone up to talk about PDA functions with them? After tuning out most of what Hannah was saying, I caught her saying she was formerly from Amish country, so I guess that’s why she’s so blown away by technology that most people threw in a plastic bin full of unknown cords in the back of their closet years ago. I also realized that she’s stupid. Not quite like Monica, but more in a medical condition sort of way.
I stepped outside for a moment, which is where I bumped into the new host of the show Victoria. At first, I thought she was angry with me by the tone of her voice, but then I realized she just had a very bastardized European accent. She’s actually pretty cool, but does she really have the personality to have a moment that’s even a 6/10 in terms of excitement? Not sure. She seemed busy so I hopped into the car with Eric and headed towards the city, since I was told I had to go register for a gym membership with the personal trainer.
He also spoke with a strange accent. I wanted to ask him where he was from, but I didn’t wanna seem rude. If I had to guess, I think he’s from one of those European countries that’s way far to the East; you know, the ones you’re not sure if they classify as European, Middle Eastern, or Asian. If I had to make a guess, I’d say Armenia, but maybe I’ll pick up more clues in the coming weeks. He wanted to run me through a quick fitness test to see my baseline. Let’s say, I didn’t really do that well. He had me do some aerobic routine with moves I never heard of before.
I was not getting it down, and he shamed me for not being physically fit. Like, I’m sorry I’m not from Azerbaijan. I’m sorry I had toys growing up. I’m sorry I had better things to do than starve and use my body as my only form of entertainment. Whatever.
As I was leaving, I met the final girl of the competition, Nicole. She’s blonde and skinny, so obviously she was going to be a raging cunt. I didn’t have time for her. So, I just walked away while she kept yelling obscenities at me.
I’m getting a memo from my production aide right now. Apparently I forgot to introduce the audience to someone named Barbara. Apparently she was one of the first people I met on the show. Either she was just really boring and unmemorable, or Sarah hit my head so hard I lost all memory of her. But yeah, Barbara. She wears a pretty cool black coat.
After a night out of some more shopping in the city, I head to bed. The first runway and judging was the next day, and I wanted to be well rested. The night was cool and calm. The morning, the complete opposite.
Remember that bitch Vanessa who called me fat day 1. Well she must’ve gotten a tip from production that she was one of the judges’ favorites or something cause she woke me up out of bed just to tell me that she’s winning the competition and I’m going home. Again, couldn’t you wait till I actually woke up at 11am for this? I fired shots back at her, telling her she’ll never be a runway model with her bowlegs.
Model legs should look like this: ||
Not like this: < >
And for the 2nd time, before even the first elimination, a fight broke out. I was still groggy from being abruptly woken, so when I all my swings were misses. Eventually I got pushed down hard onto the wooden floors. I decided to just lay there instead of continuing the fight. Mostly cause I just wanted some more sleep.
I’ve already been in 2 fights and they were with the only 2 black people in the house. I hope this doesn’t come off racist on camera.
Anyways, later that evening was the first judging. We would walk the runway and then receive critiques on our fitness, fashion styling, and overall walk. In terms of runway, I say I killed it. I could see the stankness in the faces of the other girls as they watched me pound the catwalk.
Eventually it was my turn to be judged.
Dave told me I was fat. An obese blob. The center of gravity in the ANTM house. Well not really; he just said I needed to work on my fitness. But as an insecure woman, I heard the previous statements in my head.
I was feeling confident going into the call-outs. I didn’t think I would win, but I figured I probably did enough to be in the top 3 or 4.
Victoria started the call-outs:
First…. Sarah (*glares stankly*)
Second… Hannah
Third… Nicole
Fourth…. Barbara
At this point I realize I may not have done as well as I thought….
Fifth…… Jamie (clearly lack of professionalism does not matter to this panel)
Sixth…. Kimberly
Seventh…. Monica
What is happening? How am I in the bottom 4 girls? This is inconceivable.
Eight…. Katie
Ninth………………………….. Mel
Holy fucking shit finally. I am in tears as I go to pick up my photo. Victoria tells me a moment on the lips does not have to be a lifetime on the hips if I do some cardio.
The bottom 2 of Heather and Vanessa step forward. Obviously, I am praying that Vanessa goes home. It would be extremely satisfying to see her conceited ass go home after all the shit she talked this morning. Plus, Heather brought a huge wardrobe with her when she moved in. I feel like I could steal an outfit from her and she wouldn’t notice. I have a sinking feeling in my stomach that Victoria is going to save Vanessa for the purpose of the drama she causes around the house. I swallow the spit that I have been holding in my mouth as Victoria announces the final girl moving on
Victoria: my final photo goes to………………………… Heather
*twerks so much, but in my mind as to not seem disrespectful to the judges*
Vanessa actually had a genuine sadness as she hugged Victoria for the final time. Maybe I misunderstood her. I doubt it though. Fucking glad she’s gone.
Let it be said though. ANTM replaced all the black judges with European bitches. And of the two black girls cast, one of them went home first. I’m really feeling *eyes emoji* at this, but I guess at the end of the day this works to my advantage as an exotic white woman. Plus, I will not shed a tear if Sarah goes home next week.
