My black friends are right to demand an apology, and I will talk to anyone who has been offended or shocked about the blog from 2016 that came to light yesterday.
So let’s turn back the dial to high school, 6-7 years ago.
I am deeply sorry for my past wrongdoing. The truth from the bottom of my heart is that I didn’t think it was racist the way I used it. I didn’t understand my wrongdoing. I wasn’t using it to abuse or insult anyone, I didn’t say it to a black person, and I only used its modernized form when to refer to friends. I thought as long as I didn’t use the hard r, and I wasn’t talking to or about a black person, then it wasn't racist, just another NSFW phrase.
I am now astutely aware of my error in judgement. I am ashamed by it if not for embarrassment caused by having ever used it, but simply for the disrespect conveyed by the word. In my ignorant teens, I was unaware of just how bad taste it was for me, a white man, to use it when referring to anybody in any context. That’s even in a seemingly non-derogatory, “friendly” sense without the “hard r” as I used it. I want this to be clear, again, I never once used it to cause harm to anybody, and I’d never say it with the hard r. This does not excuse it, however.
These are not recent epiphanies. My main realization came when I started college and had black trans and gay roommates who were 10+ years older than me. I became informed about the connotation of my usage. How I perceived I was using it was not always perceived the same by others. It had an innate racist tone, regardless of context. When I learned the word was simply off-limits for me, I didn’t say it again. Why would I have a problem with that?
I could’ve deleted the blog immediately, but I decided that if I would ever redeem myself, I had to let y’all see it. Being upfront and honest is better than cowering away from it in shame. I have since deleted the blog, but I screenshotted it all if you wish to see it (I’m sure I’m not the only one who did).
The truth is, we have all done worse things than what I did. In our past, we all have things that helped us grow into who we are today. I’m not talking about seriously fucked up shit that’d land you in prison, but we’ve all done or said things that were downright wrong, and we became the people we are today thanks to learning from those experiences. I am proud of who I am today, but disappointed in who I was in high school.
If you knew who I was in high school (a drunk who turned hard-drug addict) this ignorance wouldn’t surprise you. You’d instead think, how is he where he is today, in the position he is today? I mean, I got a sent to alternative school for getting a blowjob in the bathroom at school in 9TH GRADE.
It’s because my adolescence does not define me. I have demonstrated immense change over the past 6 years — I grew up, became more informed, respectful, and educated. I was not evil before, not even antagonistic, and certainly not racist, just downright ignorant.
Really did not need the annecdote about your 14 year old sex life to make your point. But I do think you have done a good job of apologizing and seem to be mature now. I hope people who were offended by your actions can accept your apology.
