It's not your fault that he didn't clearly express his boundaries after the first so-or-so times that you did it. But I think you overreacted a tiny bit. It would have probably been better if you just apologized, and explained that you don't have any feelings for him other than platonic, and you guys probably would have just moved on from there. Thats just my opinion though. Best of luck!
RedFabFoxyDelete2544Zachbbs Thanks for your input, I think what really threw me off is he didn’t tell me this privately but in a group chat among 2 other girls. His mood changes all the time, one minute he’s fine the next he isn’t.
Just the thought of being accused to be some sort of sexual predator and that too by someone you consider a good friend scared the shit out of me. I just felt for mine and his sake we just don’t talk anymore. If he held this in for so long, god knows what else he’ll come out with next time
idk why i opened this since i'm not a gay man. I don't know the situation entirely (despite you describing it pretty well) but i'm gonna try to see it from both of your perspectives:
1. he may have been trying to be polite before and not said anything and maybe then he finally said something bc he found that 1 second of courage to speak up. Like I know a lot of times people say annoying things to me and i try to be polite and tell them it's not funny or like completely ignore their comments because i still wanna be friends but i dont want them to continue. But then eventually i'll be pretty blunt with them if they can't take polite hints (often even after i am blunt, they dont understand and persist so idk).
2. On the other hand, you're saying this is mutual so if he's been reciprocating, i dont think it's fair of him to say that out of nowhere. So i understand you saying you dont wanna talk / be friends anymore but idk if you told him it wasnt meant that way; idk if you needed to block him? But at the same time him saying that he has a girlfriend is kinda rude. I'm sure you knew that he had one. Idk if you guys were super close, i would try to salvage it. If it was like a 50-60% level friendship... then idk it's probs too awkward? But then again boys are kinda weird and make up with each other easily.
I think maybe a few people have been in his ear about you guys. Maybe even his girlfriend who knows. I feel like you did overreacted by ending the friendship and blocking him because it kinda shows you might have feelings for him an May feel embarrassed. I think just give him some time and then reach out to him. Communication is keeeeey in relationships! Can’t fix a problem if no one speaks about it. Straight men will always be a little hesitated about being to close with a (gay male) just because they don’t want people thinking that’s them which does suck but that’s the world we live in. anas
Kindred7Yoboyy_lukeYonaka thank you for your comments guys, I have added an extra edited part but to answer the question about blocking, he’s previously pulled me and other friends on very harmless non sexual jokes/pranks, just the type of person you walk on eggshells around.
I always apologised because i don’t mind doing that to friends if I feel I’ve upset them. The hair touching is honestly so subconscious to me, the fact he pointed out that too among other people just made me feel so embarrassed and targeted. Reiterating he has a girlfriend who I know of to remind me he’s off limits
It’s made me rethink my relationship with all other straight men, who again have never expressed anything against but what if they’re thinking the same???’ Idk it’s really messed with my head
Anas yeah that was a shitty assumption on his part - but I guess if a straight guy was doing that to me I’d think the same thing (even if it meant nothing to them because Ive only recently let even my female friends hug me and not felt overall uncomfortable). However if he’s always hard to talk to / overreacting then it’s probably best not to talk to him. I don’t think you should let it affect your perspective of all straight guys; there’s definitely going to be assholes out there who act that way but a lot won’t be that way either. My one friend shared a dorm with a gay guy who had a crush on him / flirted with him for 3 years and he didn’t even realize. And when he found out he didn’t care and they’re still really good friends
Silence does not mean consent! As a straight male, gay people on here constantly flirting with me can get overbearing and annoying at points. Also, there is a line and you probably crossed it with the naked comment. That's a bit too sexual and I wouldn't consider it platonic but again holding hands, cuddling, etc., is a bit weird that he was okay with that but I'm not one to judge. He might be comfortable with some things but doesn't mean he's comfortable with every action/comment you do.
Also you blocking him probably makes him think you want him. It comes across as you're giving an ultimatum "fine if me touching you bothers you then I won't touch you AND we just won't be friends." If you two do become friends again, he will probably never speak up about his uncomfortableness since he knows you'll throw him out if he expresses any sort of disinterest.
One time I got rly drunk and kinda harassed my straight friend. I didnt touch him or anything but I said things I definitely shouldn't have. The next day I apologized and he was super chill about it and said it was ok but it still haunts me to this day because I never wanna make any of my straight friends uncomfortable
Regardless, all you can do is apologize. he should have made it more clear early on that he was uncomfortable
Piddu appreciate the comment. He consented, reciprocated and initiated both physical contact with me during this entire time, as well as engaging in verbal dialogue much more graphic than this. It’s sexual for you, it has been our norm, hence the confusion.
I blocked him because he’s demonstrated mixed signals multiple times i.e in this case, resting his head on me, making me stroke his hair then months later saying he’s uncomfortable with it. It’s dangerous for both parties, I don’t want to be accused of anything nor do I want to invade his constantly shifting boundaries.
If all he’s taken away from this is me ‘wanting him’, maybe it’s best I dropped contact.
As a general rule of thumb I’m just going to be more conscious around my straight friends, there’s always room to improve.
Cotbey that sucks, I mean it’s nice of your mate to have given you benefit of the doubt. I’ve heard he actually wants to apologise but I feel so unsafe around him now, thinking my name will be thrown under the bus at any given moment. So I think I’m going to just cut ties instead.
I'm a gay guy with a lot of straight mates, and I'm constantly having to work out boundaries because they vary from person to person, and they don't always seem to be linear. I'm also a very tactile person. I greet lots of my straight male friends with a kiss, I just don't see the issue, but I've been accused of being OTT. I've also however, been accused of being too holdbackish. It's about working out an individual dynamic.
I think however, you need to try and be a little calmer about how you deal with him. Even if you feel that you're in the right to react as strongly, the chances are that such a strong response will be more likely to play into him looking to balance the score as per the justice fixation you suggest he has.
Personally, I would simply have said "OK, but you could just say that rather than get angry", and try and accept it, whilst killing it dead. It sounds to me like there is some kind of trigger there that's being pushed, and the fact is it's often better to stop situations dead rather than let them roll on by creating awkwardness. There's a deep difference between going "I'm going to block you on everything" and just creating a natural distance.
Don't let him change you as a person though. You're clearly both vibrant and popular, and if you piss someone off once in a while, they'll be in the minority. Focus on those who love and appreciate you.
Sorry for the ramble Anas - I hope it helps though x
Girl did we swap roles? Hahaha no but seriously what prob happened was the girlfriend made a comment that it was weird for you to be touching him and so he felt like he had to say something to not have his masculinity questioned. Trust and believe you know I’ve been there and straight boys suck...literally ;)
I don't blame you for feeling unsafe. You just need to decide if this is a friendship worth losing or a friendship worth fighting for and base your decisions around that. If you're willing to cut ties so quickly, maybe through the fog the friendship wasn't that great to begin with
Great advice has already been said here... My piece, I do think the blocking on all social media was a bit far, everyone has boundaries... Just keep some distance and if he is a true friend he will still be there for you.
Hmm I don't know if this is just me. But I don't cuddle my straight male friends. I'll have flirty banter with them because that's who I am but I don't cuddle them. I don't think you said anything bad about getting on call as that's exactly what I would have said. I think will gay guys would have.
iAyeEye I think what you’ve written has been by far the most helpful, thank you. You’re right about it not being linear which does worry me honestly.
I get why everyone sees me blocking him as an overreaction but at the same time like you know, it can be so draining to have to monitor yourself all the time. As gay men we do it all the time whether it be for family members, at work etc... atleast around my friends I’d like to switch off and feel comfortable. There are perks to our friendship but I feel the cons really outweigh them at times.
I’ve been told he wants to apologise but idk what to do with it all, do you mind mailing / Skyping if you’re free at some point? Would really appreciate it
Mikec51 : They suck big time, we’ve totally swapped roles.
Timster love you but that’s not funny. If any straight guy got accused by a female friend like this out of nowhere they’d be taking it seriously.
Damo1990 we lived in like student accommodation with a shared lounge so everyone just cosied up to watch a film or something since there wasn’t much space.
I literally have a male friend like this. We only just became friends and he has no boundaries whatsoever. He literally told me that when he was coming over to my house for predrinks before coming out that we were gonna suck each other off
I think you should respect and listen to what he has to say, however he didn't go about it in the right way and I don't know your relationship beforehand so it's hard for me to comment onto this. If you make someone uncomfortable you should just apologise which you did and if he further talks about the situation then that's out of your hands and you were the better person.
Unfortunately I hope you learned from this situation. Being a “touchy feely” person also means reading signs if someone is uncomfortable with a situation. Although they didn’t say anything, it’s still your responsibility to figure out everyone’s boundaries, even those who are close to you.
This is a situation that I think you need to step out of your shoes and put into his. I understand he didn’t say anything but who knows how he has felt?
LivvieBoo12 I think I was so shocked that I didn’t even apologise, I did tell him that it’s be in both our benefit to stop talking though
DanielKennedy111 Trust me I totally get that, and I would never scrutinise a friend for telling me their boundaries - I’ve had these conversations before, either telling someone to stop or watching my own behaviour.
The thing is he he would initiate physical contact, i.e rest his head on me etc, I know silence isn’t consent but equally not all consent is verbal either. It always felt mutual, but now I know that wasn’t the case
Donaam I think maybe upto 6 months? She’s in long distance and I’ve never met her but she knows of me apparently. I don’t want to accuse her without full facts.
anas I'm sorry I was hoping you'd understand my sense of humor and it'd make you laugh during a tough time. Like others said you probs shouldn't have blocked I suggest either continuing the friendship NO MORE TOUCHING. A handshake and that's it when greeting. If he wants to be touchy one day say no. Be consistent with it. You don't have to end your friendship over this outburst unless it's not worth it.
FFS act like an adult, let things cool down for a couple of days and talk things straight. It is such a BS move to just block the problem like that. Express yourself like you did in this blog, say you were hurt, hear his reasons. Then try to reach the mutual agreement how to continue.
To me it sounds like he could have been developing feelings for you, which would be pretty scary for a self-identified straight person. That kind of feeling shakes peoples world view and self-concept, so to compensate he may have lashed out at you in the moment.
SabrinaRayexxx I think I may reach out to him at some point but I really don’t know how to approach it. I definitely don’t want to remain friends with him after this bc I don’t feel safe around him. Is it worth messaging him if we aren’t going to cross paths?
Moonfelar he has a reputation with the girls, I really don’t think he has feelings for me not would I want him to either
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