Time to get a little real!
So, many of you know my mom passed in October 2021. Well, what happened to me after that is why I wasn't here for so long. I fell into a deep and dark depression. I wasn't eating (lost way too much weight), wasn't showering, wasn't doing anything but crying, sleeping, and swallowing Xanex.
In May of 2022, I decided enough was enough. I felt the best thing and really, the only solution was to kill myself and go be with my mom. So I purchased some razors and planned to slit my wrists. I gave my beloved dog Max to a caring family and I wrote a goodbye letter to anyone who found me. It explained everything. And I was ready. So ready.
The night I planned to do it, I called all the companies I had accounts with to cancel them. I threw away everything in the refrigerator. I gave my next door neighbor (this very sweet old lady) a frozen cake from my freezer and told her to enjoy. And then I went in my room, razor sitting on the bed and took a deep breath. Then I heard a crash in the living room. It scared the shit out of me. I ran inside and it was a picture that had fallen off the wall. Not just any photo. It was the only photo out of ten hanging up of just my mom and I.
So, I took this as a sign. Mom didn't want me to do this. She wasn't ready for me to join her. I called 911 and did the scariest thing I have ever done- I had myself voluntarily admitted to the hospital. And because I was still having suicidal ideations, which led to self harm, I was changed to involuntary status. And I remained hospitalized from that point until May of this year.
I took my time in there seriously. Went to therapy 3x a week, participated in all the groups, had meds adjusted and readjusted, and made some lifelong friends. The doctors formally approved me for discharge in March but it takes a little time to set up a discharge treatment plan. Even though I had been cut off from the world for a good part of 2 years, I don't think a second of that time was wasted.
Why am I revealing all this? Well, maybe it could help someone. Suicide is not the answer. Self harm is not the answer. Self medicating is not the answer. There is help out there. There are people you can relate to, bond with, and grow with. When life seems to be at the end of the road...make a u-turn and walk back up the road. It's a bitch to do and easier said than done but it's not impossible. You just have to be honest and want help. You'd be amazed at how strong you really are.
If you or someone you know is suffering from depression, wanting life to end, or engaging in harmful acts...please reach out. Call or text 988. Text HOME to 741741. Just reach out. Give yourself a chance. Give yourself a break. You are needed and wanted and you're here, alive and well, for a reason. Please stay safe.
Thanks for reading. It was scary but freeing to write all that. I'm here if anyone needs to talk. Don't hesitate to reach out to me.
Comments
why are ppl negging this
fucking sickos how would you feel if you almost killed urself
Plussed this. You should be so proud of yourself for getting yourself some help. I know that must've been a hard decision, but it sounds like it was worth it in the end.
I really appreciate you sharing your story and experience ma, I’m so sorry you were in that headspace and I’m glad your mum sent you a sign- it was not your time. So glad you’re here with us and I hope you continue to take care of yourself. That is so admirable to have the courage to self-admit and reach out for help. I really needed to read this rn.
Im so sorry to hear about what you’ve been through, it must have been the most difficult, scary time for you. Thank you for sharing this with us all - hope is such a powerful tool and I think that by writing this blog, you could be helping more people than you realise. If you ever need to talk, please don’t hesitate to reach out 😊
I am glad to have read this on today of all days. I feel you. I never wanted to kill myself because I do have so much to live for but at the same time it wouldn't of bothered me if God took me in his own way. Losing my parents a month apart was so hard and even after a year and half is still hard. I would do anything to turn back time. I know this sounds funny but it is good to know that if needed I can reach out to you to just talk. Thanks for this. It helps me more than you will ever know.
Wow. Thank you so much for sharing your story WhateverTheF 🩵🙏 I didnt see this post until now, but your mom absolutely wants you to be here. She is always with you, and what happened that night proves it. Feel free to reach out if you ever need anything. We love you
fucking sickos how would you feel if you almost killed urself