I lost my mom on October 3rd, 2021. That was, and remains, the absolute worst day of my life. Not a single day goes by where I don't think of her. I miss her terribly. They say boys tend to have very special relationships with mothers. I'm unable to speak for others but it is true for me. For many years, all mom and I had was one another. We were only able to lean on and support one another. It was "us against the world." I have precious memories that I hold dear to me. From inside jokes and special songs to birthdays and dinners together.
One of my favorite memories is spending New Years Eve together. Watching the ball drop in times Square (from home of course.) We made it another year and we would pray for a better coming year. I have a hard time doing certain things now. Some songs, TV shows and movies, and even books are off limits. The sadness is too hard to bear at times. I talk to her everyday and I'd like to think she does hear me. She didn't have an easy go of it and her last year was very trying. Kidney failure and dialysis are, excuse my language, fucking awful.
She was only 69. She had so much more life to live. She didn't get to see milestones from me. She didn't get to go certain places she'd always wanted. When I see a beautiful butterfly or the love of a mother to her baby, I wish she could see it too. And perhaps she does. She'll tell me about when I see her again. After her passing- all I could think about what leaving this earth to go be with her. It took me almost two years to overcome those suicidal ideations. I finally realized that the only way to honor her life was to live mine. That's what she'd want. And I will see her again. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but one day.
The song Ghost by Justin Bieber holds a really special place in my heart. Because I will settle for the ghost of her if I can't be next to her. And I sure as hell miss her more than life. I say this to all of you- cherish your mom's. Love her. Tell her you love her. Never take her for granted and never assume you have more time. Just be present now and feel blessed to have her. I hope none of you have to experience the loss. But if you do...when that inevitable day comes, please know your life has meaning and you have to carry on. You need to do that for you and her. I'm not saying it's easy. Don't believe when people say it gets easier. It doesn't. The pain and longing is always there. But there's comes acceptance and that's when you pull all the strength you have into living life. I included one of my favorite photos of her because it makes me smile to see her smile. Thanks for reading and letting me get it out. May hope always linger in your hearts. ❤️ 💙 💜
thats heavy, she looks like a really sweet lady <3 and I don't know you well but your words are astounding, you clearly would be doing her proud with this. Getting through some of those really dark times takes a lot of strength, and sharing it takes even more 🌹 sending love
