Tonight, I started reading a book called 'The Elephant in the Playroom' and it's composed of parents sharing their experiences about raising children with special needs. One of the first things I came across was some definitions of various disabilities and I quickly found mine, ADHD and Autism, in there. In reading the definitions, I totally get that I have ADHD and have to work very hard in managing it on a moment to moment basis because I can be very impulsive and inappropriate at times and not realize it due to my deficiencies in picking up cues.
Then, I got to the definition of Autism and OH MY LORD; that's me. The book describes autism as a pervasive developmental disorder that involves delays in development of basically everything, inability to bond with family, inability to properly comprehend the world around them, and giving off the appearance of being atypically self-absorbed. I have all these challenges and people have tried to tell me, but it didn't really connect because it just couldn't.
Now that I'm reading about how these types of disabilities affect others from their point of view, I'm really beginning to understand why I've been outcasted and taken to task so much over the years. I didn't get that people picked up on things about me that bothered them and didn't know how to tell me for fear of hurting my feelings. I couldn't grasp that my quirkiness and my constant inability to recognize my need to change was administering a mental beating on everyone in both my real and virtual lives. I can't change what's happened in the past and I can't fix or change how people felt about me then or how they feel about me now.
What I can do, however, is get better at analyzing what I do and say and also think about how it might affect, be perceived, or be interpreted by those who observe my behavior. I can't expect others to forgive me for exasperating or running them dry even though I would very much like to seek it and maybe work with those I've 'overworked' to try to come to a stable peace. I don't know why people simply telling me about my flaws didn't really work, as I have tried hundreds of times to change how I am and how I behave based on what I have been told. I've tried and failed repeatedly, so it's obvious to me now that I really didn't get what they said. Reading detailed descriptions about how it makes others feel about having to deal with the intensity that neurodivergent people like me can be, though, is a very good wake-up call for how I need to change.
Learning to be quieter, gentler, less communicative, less intense are behaviors not only to make myself better as a person, they're things I can and should do so that people will want to be around me. I've already pushed so many people away because of not being able to get it to the point where people simply have chosen to give up and cut their losses, but my hope is that some of them might come back if they can see that I want to actively improve. I also know that many are on the verge of giving up on me because to them, I'm a lost cause with an unwillingness to learn or accept any help in becoming better. I'm really not, y'all; it just took me some time to get to the point where I could see properly and actually think about how I am seen by others.
I'd like to formally and officially apologize to everyone in my past and present who I have exasperated, drained, emotionally and mentally abused, and pushed away with my blindness and behaviors. I want to avoid becoming the monster that I survived, as I am pretty darn sure he had the same type of impairments I currently struggle with, but he was never diagnosed. Please don't give up on me and see me as a lost cause and if you already have, is there a chance y'all could come back? I want to start over and start fresh. I want to be forgiven for my own messy self...if forgiveness is possible. Is it?
