Scandinavia Mockumentary
*Camera zooms to Ruby lounging in Norway*
Hi! I’m Ruby Velvet. For the past year I have been quarantined in Norway. I’m currently in-your-way, right now! And I have learned a thing or two about their traditions and customs. For one thing, they sure aren’t messing around when it comes to the Olympics. And their Olympians sure aren’t messing around when it comes to a discount on Dopamine, either. Norwegians are so brilliant, what sets them apart from other Scandinavian countries is…. their fondness of trees? I have lived here for a year now, and I still don’t know what the hell these people do. Norwegians have so much game, they in fact have been the worst dates of my entire life. The men hardly speak! They will barely look me in the eyes! Where is viKING?!
I was drawn to Norway for a couple of reasons. Above all, Norway is an introvert’s dream. They sure do have one modern trend right- “stay the FUCK away from me.” Seriously, imagine Norways response to COVID-19. The rest of the world was devastated; in Norway, they all got drunk and celebrated not having to go near anybody! Now everyone can pack up all their things and.. er.. go live in the woods? Seriously, who are these people?
Let me open you a little secret. Norway is a very long country, you see. You cannot understand how LONG of a country Norway is. It is said that you can ride from top to bottom for SIX hours! Can you believe it? And we have great infrastructure, too! Yes!
Another thing people don’t always know about Norway is that it is very common here in Winter to fill up your car with a lot of food, winter clothes, and drive all the way into the mountains. We stay for a week, and live in a cabin, with no electricity. It is very wildly. Essentially, everyone feels like a Viking. In reality, it looks more like a bunch of people who have never camped before in their life all stumbling around.
It is a quiet place, Norway. Peaceful, you could say. That is until you pull up the receipts examining expenses for the month. CRIMINAL! There is nothing natural about that! Maybe the reason nobody wants anything to do with one another around here is because everything is so damn expensive! You call up your girls… buy a cute dress, go for a bite to eat, a bottle of wine; BANKRUPTCY!
Next up… Sweden!
*camera switches from Ruby in Norway, to Plai Station in Sweden*
Plai Statión's A British Zoomers Guide to Sweden
Yo Yo, wuddup all my fellow Zoomers out there. The name is The Big PP, Plai Statión herself, and today I'm here in Sweden. Now if your like me, a Zoomer, you've heard nothing about Sweden other than shit meatballs that are harder than my swollen testicles, flat pack furniture that was so hard to put together mum and dad got divorced and our lord and saviour PewDiePie. But Sweden is a lot more than that, innit? I dunno, so let's go see Swedish shit bruv!
Let's start by looking at the streets of Sweden. They mad clean, and that pisses me off no end bruv. Where's the fucking litter that gives streets character? Where's the smell of piss that makes you wanna shit the streets? There's none of that here and I'm mad vexed.
Now we move on to clothes. Sweden is home to H&M, which the producer has told me is short for Hennes & Mauritz. Personally, I thinks it should be short for Holy-shit-these-clothes-are-shit & Make-my-fat-balls-rash-up. Look at this suit:
https://i.pinimg.com/originals/8a/95/da/8a95da9a14e49cea9a5606ba0a4ba4d5.jpg No Supreme logo, no Gucci logo, not even a Louis Vuitton logo! How am I supposed to know this shits fresh!? Not cool!
Moving on to music. What are some of the hottest music acts today? Post Malone. Kanye. Billie Eyelash or whatever the fuck her name is pronounced. Well, in Sweden, one of the biggest acts of the day was ABBA. What they made was some pussy as pop tunes about love and joy and bollocks like that. Nah mate, none of that. What they needed was some fucking rap in one of their album. I mean, who the fuck have even heard of Dancing Queen? Your 200 year old mum, that's who.
Speaking of entertainment, Sweden is also home to Mojang, who made the best selling block building game Minecraft, except minecraft is shit mate. Its basically Fortnite without guns! That's basically the equivalent of sitting in an empty room on your arse for 4 hours! Fortnite is way better than Minecraft innit?
Enough about entertainment so bad it makes doing your dad enjoyable, let's talk about food and how Sweden fucked up meatballs. I mean, 50/50 pork and beef flavoured with nutmeg and all spice? I'd rather be struck down by PewDieGod himself than suffer through that. And don't get met started on that sirstrumming stuff. It smells worse than my bedroom after ive eaten 2 of those peice of shit meatballs.
Moving on to the tourism, I've never seen such shit museums, and I've been to the Transport Museum! Ever want to fall asleep while standing up? Visit the Vasa Museum, a museum about a 17th century gunship that sank. Yawn! Even thst shit band ABBA has their own museum in Stockholm! They so old, they get a museum! 0/10, needs more weed references.
And when your done with the shit food, the trash museums and godawful not at all frash clothes, you go to your hotel. Except the Swedes thought "Let's make the concept of a hotel and make it colder" by constructing these ice hotels which are hotels, made of solid ice! They expects me to get a blowjob sitting on a block of ice for a bed!? Nah mate, I'm mad vex about that!
So in summary, in Sweden, you can go walk around a bland as wet bread Street while eating your herring that smells like an open sewer visit museums that celebrate things older that your mum while listening to some no-weed-having pop songs and then get your small sick sucked on top of an ice-cream while playing a baby game. All in all, Sweden sucks.
I've been The Biggest PP Queen Plai Statión, see ya later. *walks off listening to Waterloo by ABBA*
Next up… Denmark!
*camera switches to Reality Warped in Denmark*
[Camera Action]
Hey bestiessss, Reality Warped out here in Denmark. Pack your bags loser and lets get ready to for a tourrrr. Home of the Danish, and before you ask, yes, it is the name of that pastry your crusty ass gets each time you go to Starbucks.
In Denmark, we boast a lot of scrumptious food from almond rice pudding, a dessert so good that Marie Antouinette would immediately nut. But let us talk about the fish, the herring, the cod, the flounder like the one you saw in the Little Mermaid. Oh yes, did you know the Little Mermaid was filmed here? By the way, Sebastian looks great poached.
But while Denmark is pretty beautiful from the Nyhavn canal to the Tivoli Gardens, we haven’t had the prettiest history. Honestly, it has been a bit rough, rougher than it takes for Rubes to secure a date. The Vikings yeeted people left and right (rip England), kinda savage like maybe Charlie D’Amelio level. But Denmark persevered and entered union with Norway, yay for treaty besties.
Clearly my energy shows that this is the happiest country in the world. And that’s not just because we contain that sexy beast Jamie Lannister <3 <3, but it’s because of the people (especially because no Rubes). Sorry Brexit!
But come visit us, we have more to offer. Who doesn’t titillate at the thought of being subservient to a constitutional monarchy (yes Queen Margrethe) <3 <3 <3 <3
Next… Greenland!
*camera switches to T'kay Runwae in Greenland*
*T'Kay comes up on screen*
https://ibb.co/XSQfPsd T'Kay: "Hello everyone! My name is T'Kay Runwae, fierce fashionista and journalist queen all the way in the beautiful, sunny country of Greenland to educate you on-" *turns around*
T'Kay: "What the HELL Joe I thought we were going to Greenland????"
Cameraman: "Yes gurl we're in Greenland. You see, there's this whole ironic thing about Iceland being sunny and Greenland being-"
T'Kay: "Oh for FUCK'S SAKE-"
*The camera goes blank for a few seconds before coming back on*
https://ibb.co/fYp7czy T'Kay: "Hello everyone. My name is T'Kay Runwae, fierce fashionista and journalist queen all the way in the cold ass country of Greenland to educate you on the country's... um.... icy history and culture." *Groans*
Cameraman: "Give us a little more enthusiasm!"
T'Kay: "Joe I will literally shove this microphone up your ass if you don't stop talking."
*Smiles brightly at the camera*
T'Kay: "The history of Greenland is a history of life under extreme Arctic conditions: currently, an ice sheet covers about eighty percent of the island, restricting human activity largely to the coasts. The first humans are thought to have arrived in Greenland around 2500 BC!"
*looks around and whispers* "Gurl who would even wanna live here?"
Cameraman: "You know we're still rolling right?"
*T'Kay smiles brightly again*
T'Kay: "Oh yeah! Here we have the oldest person in Greenland to educate us on the country's cultures! Oooh interesting!"
https://ibb.co/74yfLrt Old Woman: "Sinilluarit. In Greenland, we have dog sledding races. We also do the ice fishing. We eat fish. We like the fish soup. We also eat the seals and the birds. The dogs also eat fish. We do not eat the dogs."
*The woman throws a fish at T'Kay*
T'Kay: "Girl what the hell is wrong with you???"
Old Woman: "Iluatitsilluarisi."
*A pack of dogs start chasing after her*
*Shot switches to T'Kay running*
T'Kay: "FUCKING RUN JOE THEY'RE RIGHT BEHIND YOU!!!! WHY THE HELL DID I WEAR HIGH HEELS??? I DON'T WANNA FUCKING DIE-" *the screen goes blank*
INTERMISSION
*The screen comes back on*
https://ibb.co/7vF94st T'Kay: "Hello again viewers. My name is T'Kay Runwae and I'm... lost in the mountains. I'm gonna die out here aren't I?"
Cameraman: "Let's make lemonade out of lemons! The harsh cold is great for fossilizing animals long extinct! Maybe we'll find a rare fossil!"
T'Kay: "For fuck's sake Joe do you think we're just gonna walk around and stumble across some old ass animal that was alive 4000 years ago? Think agai-" *trips over something*
T'Kay: "O-M-G! We just discovered a rare, purely fossilized turkeylover! This is an amazing find!"
Cameraman: "Gurl you can find those things at the gift shop for $2."
T'Kay: "Goddamit... I can never catch a fucking break. You know what, let's just ask for directions on how to get back to town!"
Cameraman: "We are literally in the middle of nowhere. There's nobody for miles!"
T'Kay: "There's someone right over there! Let's go ask them!" *walks over to the person* "Hello! Do you know the way back to the town?"
https://ibb.co/Jttwszv Cameraman: "That is literally a seal you dumb bitch..."
Seal: "Gå ud af mit land, inden jeg spiser dig."
T'Kay: "Um, what did he just call me???"
Cameraman: "Uh... I think we should leave..."
*They walk away quickly as another seal glares at them from a hole in the ice*
T'Kay: "Ooh! There's someone else over there! Let's go ask him!" *whispers as she walks over* "Wow... Greenlandic people sure are tall... and hairy. Somebody needs to introduce him to waxing."
*Walks up to the man*
https://ibb.co/zfNvRdV T'Kay: "Hello Sir! My name is T'Kay Runwae and I'm a FIERCE journalist! Can you show me the way to the nearest town?"
Cameraman: "Uh... T'kay. I don't think that's a man...."
*The scene cuts to T'Kay running again*
"FUCKING RUN JOE HE'S RIGHT BEHIND US!" *roar in the distance* "I TOLD YOU WE SHOULD HAVE JUST TAKEN THE STORY ON FLORIDA AND CALLED IT A DAY! JOE GET UP! OH MY GO-" *The camera cuts off*
This documentary was based on true events. T'Kay Runwae and her cameraman Joe were never seen again. To this day, this is the only footage that exists as solid proof of Bigfoot. What happened to T'Kay and Joe out in the Greenlandic wilderness... we may never know. The end.
Next… Greenland!
*camera switches to Enobaria in Iceland*
Around the world with Enobaria
[ CAMERA TURNS ON ]
* Enobaria is in the image. She’s distracted. A camerawoman can be heard clicking the camera buttons, she's grumbling *
Enobaria: Are we already recording, Suzanne?
Suzanne, the camerawoman: I don't know, these buttons only have a tape that says "Slökkva Kveikja".
Enobaria: No, honey, it says "Set Kevin adjmt", that's his camera. Do I write like a doctor?
Suzanne: I don’t know... it’s written with crayons.
[***]
* Enobaria appears standing in front of Reykjavik's main square *
E: Volkswagen! Welcome! To a new "Around the world with Enobaria". Today we arrive in one of the most interesting and exciting countries on the planet. Place where Bjork, the volcanoes, and that blonde DJ from Sense8 were born. This… is Iceland!
Now we are in the city of Reykjavik, the capital of this beautiful country, but we have many destinations to visit:
We will visit the Jorusalem lagoon, a land with beautiful glaciers.
We’re gonna travel to the Ey...jaf...jal… * the image turns black and white * … Kevin, did you sleep over the keyboard again? Wa… This is a real place? How am I supposed to s… Can we go to some other place easier to pronounce? No? You already bought t-shirts for your kids with the volc… Okay, I get it.
[***]
* Enobaria appears on camera wearing an ugly t-shirt over her dress*
Enobaria: We’re gonna travel to * points to her t-shirt. It has a smiling volcano, underneath it says "Eyjafjallajökull" * this volcano * smiles and keeps pointing for an awkward couple of seconds *
And last but not least, We’ll visit Selfoss, the place where Paris Hillton invented the selfie.
All that and more, today, in "Around the world with Enobaria"!
[ OPENING ]
* Enobaria appears on the screen, she’s walking over a glacier *
Enobaria: Here we are, on the Jokulsarlon, one of the most amazing places in Iceland. Look at this beautiful landscape…. Ice. So inspiring. Yeah… So much to see… * the image remains fixed on Enobaria for several seconds. Nothing happens * Oh look! There’s a seagull over there! Let’s try to feed her!
* Enobaria and the camerawoman run towards the seagull *
Enobaria: * stirred breathes * False alarm! My bad! It was just a rock. * picks the rock up and shows it to the camera. It doesn’t look like a seagull at all*
Suzanne: What is that? * focus on the ground towards the place where the rock was *
* Enobaria bends down and picks something up off the ground *
Enobaria: Is this…? [* looks surprised at the camera, shows a key and a stone key ring attached to it. It has an inscription that says "Atlantis" *]
[***]
Enobaria: We’ve found what seems to be the key that will unlock one of the world's greatest mysteries. We think the door of Atlantis is around here, so we’re going to look for it right now, live. Well, this is a DVD so it’s gonna be live just for us, but you can pretend.
* different footages of Enobaria picking rocks randomly and making some holes on the ice *
Enobaria: Oh! Look! There’s a rainbow in the sky! That means the leprechauns are showing us where we should go. That’s another legend here in Ireland, they he--
Suzanne: ...But this is Iceland
Enobaria: I-- Ireland and Iceland are not the same country?
Suzanne: No...
Enobaria: W-- Well… that’s exactly what Kevin told me, RIGHT KEVIN?
Kevin: Yeah… * he sounds stoned * I must’ve typed wrong when I was searching on Wikipedia.
Suzanne: What are we gonna do now?
Enobaria: I guess we’re gonna follow the rainbow anyways
[***]
*footage of Enobaria walking on the snow. She’s eating a snack*
Enobaria: Suzanne, this thing is delicious. How do you say this thing is called here?
Suzanne: It’s a Snickers…
Enobaria: Oh… *reads the packaging*
[***]
* close-up of Enobaria. She seems inside of an ice cave. The light is bad, the image too *
Enobaria: Suzzane, are you recording this? * the camera moves slightly up and down * Yeah? Okay. Pals, we followed the rainbow even though there’s no leprechauns here and we’ve found a cave with what seems to be the door to Atlantis. We’re very scared and it’s freezing in here, but we can’t go back anymore.
*Suzanne stumbles and the camera deflects and for a moment we can see the set behind the camera, a fan and Kevin can be seen throwing fake snow*
Enobaria: *in a very low voice* We’ll try to move in silence, we don’t know what may be around here.
* a phone rings loudly *
Suzanne: Hi mom, I can't speak right now, I'm at work. Yeah, save me some meatballs for dinner. Love you, bye.
Enobaria: How do you have signal here if we are literally IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE?
Suzanne: Maybe I'm picking up a signal from an Atlantis antenna?
Enobaria: Oh... I didn't think about that. You’re right, we should be close! ! Let 's go!
[***]
Enobaria: This is it. We made it. The door to Atlantis is behind me
* a simple wooden door is in sight. It has a sign nailed to the front that says "Entrance to Atlantis here." *
Enobaria: We’re gonna use the key to unravel this mystery for good. Are you ready, Suzanne?
Suzanne: Hit it.
* Enobaria slowly inserts the key into the door *
* she begins to turn the lock *
[ CAMERA CUT ]
* Kevin is the image holding the camera. He sees his body naked from the side, reflected in a mirror. He is kneeling on a bed, groaning. Someone else's legs can be seen in the mirror *
Suzanne: Are you sure no one's gonna see this?
Kevin: Yeah sure, I already know how to lock the file, I googled it
-----
The end.
