i dont know if anyone will actually read this, my blogs dont usually get much attention but i'm at a place right now where i feel like i need to let out my emotions. i dont really have any friends here so it'll be easier to vent here than it would be anywhere else.
first of all, im 18 years old and i'll be 19 in a few days. my life is at a stand still. i dont really have many friends since i've graduated high school. most of my friends come from a different online big brother community (not tengaged), i feel like my life serves no purpose and maybe its just depression but i feel like its much deeper than that. i feel this hole in my heart and no matter how much i try i can't seem to fill that void.
a little over a year ago my best friend committed suicide and ever since then things have consistently gotten worse and worse. i have my online friends to help me feel better but i wonder if i'll ever be able to branch out and find stability in my REAL LIFE.
i have this thing where i care so much about how i'm perceived, its like i dont want people to know my insecurities, i want to come across as this perfect individual with no problems. i have so many insecurities that i can't get over which prevents me from reaching out to old friends or even attempting to go on tinder dates to try and move on from a past fling. moving on has never been so hard especially when you have to see that person with someone else. i've been hung up on the same guy for 2 years, and i'm only 18 so thats a big chunk of my life to be hung up on one guy. it sucks.
i'm not expecting answers or for anyone to help me, trust me i've tried counseling and thats not working. but this is the only place i can vent without it becoming a big ordeal so whatever. i guess it just feels like.. whats the purpose of life when nothing makes you happy. every day is just another day where i inevitably feel a sense of grief and emptiness. i pray for change and for someone or something to come into my life that will take away the pain, or give me some sort of distraction. but nothing.
i dont even really have any hobbies to take my mind off my sadness. i try to write songs and i want to learn how to play an instrument but its not something ive put a lot of thought into.
i know i'm still young, but i can't help but wonder if things are going to change. if i'm already too far gone. i also haven't really expressed any of this to my close online friends because i don't want them worrying about me. its easier to vent to people who don't know you because i don't fear your judgement.
anyways i doubt anyone will actually read all of that but if you do thank you <3 <3
