i dont know if anyone will actually read this, my blogs dont usually get much attention but i'm at a place right now where i feel like i need to let out my emotions. i dont really have any friends here so it'll be easier to vent here than it would be anywhere else.
first of all, im 18 years old and i'll be 19 in a few days. my life is at a stand still. i dont really have many friends since i've graduated high school. most of my friends come from a different online big brother community (not tengaged), i feel like my life serves no purpose and maybe its just depression but i feel like its much deeper than that. i feel this hole in my heart and no matter how much i try i can't seem to fill that void.
a little over a year ago my best friend committed suicide and ever since then things have consistently gotten worse and worse. i have my online friends to help me feel better but i wonder if i'll ever be able to branch out and find stability in my REAL LIFE.
i have this thing where i care so much about how i'm perceived, its like i dont want people to know my insecurities, i want to come across as this perfect individual with no problems. i have so many insecurities that i can't get over which prevents me from reaching out to old friends or even attempting to go on tinder dates to try and move on from a past fling. moving on has never been so hard especially when you have to see that person with someone else. i've been hung up on the same guy for 2 years, and i'm only 18 so thats a big chunk of my life to be hung up on one guy. it sucks.
i'm not expecting answers or for anyone to help me, trust me i've tried counseling and thats not working. but this is the only place i can vent without it becoming a big ordeal so whatever. i guess it just feels like.. whats the purpose of life when nothing makes you happy. every day is just another day where i inevitably feel a sense of grief and emptiness. i pray for change and for someone or something to come into my life that will take away the pain, or give me some sort of distraction. but nothing.
i dont even really have any hobbies to take my mind off my sadness. i try to write songs and i want to learn how to play an instrument but its not something ive put a lot of thought into.
i know i'm still young, but i can't help but wonder if things are going to change. if i'm already too far gone. i also haven't really expressed any of this to my close online friends because i don't want them worrying about me. its easier to vent to people who don't know you because i don't fear your judgement.
anyways i doubt anyone will actually read all of that but if you do thank you <3 <3
Comments
okay lemme break this down cause i felt the same way for a WHILE and still do somewhat but i have some experience. do you go / are you going to community college/college? the feeling will definitely get better there as ur too busy/focused to dwell on it LOL
so sorry about your loss tho :< i haven’t experienced much loss in my life but i know it can be really debilitating and make it hard for you to open up
“i have this thing where i care so much about how i'm perceived, its like i dont want people to know my insecurities, i want to come across as this perfect individual with no problems. i have so many insecurities that i can't get over which prevents me from reaching out to old friends” this is so wild to me cause i feel the EXACT same way and i only recently realized it so you’re on a good path with self-awareness. i will say right now that ur old friends WILL NOT care and that it’s all in ur head cause that’s exactly what i experienced. never be afraid to reach out!!
and basic hobbies are lame anyway... i do like writing/making music but i’m a total fucking nerd and my biggest passion is the music industry. find something really niche that interests you and you’ll become best friends with everybody who has the same interest. and things will change. i’ve been through some terrible moments but the worst times in my life were when i had nothing to look forward to. no matter how small it is you want something that’ll make you want to live more to experience it. part of the reason i like to go to concerts is because you buy tickets like 6 months in advance so it always feels like you have something to look forward to.
this is kind of a rambling mess but hopefully it sorta makes sense as i see SO much of myself in you and wanted to share what works for me. much love ❤️
so sorry about your loss tho :< i haven’t experienced much loss in my life but i know it can be really debilitating and make it hard for you to open up
“i have this thing where i care so much about how i'm perceived, its like i dont want people to know my insecurities, i want to come across as this perfect individual with no problems. i have so many insecurities that i can't get over which prevents me from reaching out to old friends” this is so wild to me cause i feel the EXACT same way and i only recently realized it so you’re on a good path with self-awareness. i will say right now that ur old friends WILL NOT care and that it’s all in ur head cause that’s exactly what i experienced. never be afraid to reach out!!
and basic hobbies are lame anyway... i do like writing/making music but i’m a total fucking nerd and my biggest passion is the music industry. find something really niche that interests you and you’ll become best friends with everybody who has the same interest. and things will change. i’ve been through some terrible moments but the worst times in my life were when i had nothing to look forward to. no matter how small it is you want something that’ll make you want to live more to experience it. part of the reason i like to go to concerts is because you buy tickets like 6 months in advance so it always feels like you have something to look forward to.
this is kind of a rambling mess but hopefully it sorta makes sense as i see SO much of myself in you and wanted to share what works for me. much love ❤️