I've lost everything in the past 3 years. Everything that i've cared the most about, i've lost. I've often been told I dwell too much and it's very much the case, i've come to find out that my brain just tries to work through trauma by reliving it and it's clearly not helped me at all in my 28 years on this planet. However, I now know that a large part of it is uncontrollable because it is an illness. Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Your brain worries about any and everything, all the time. It's torture.
Forgiveness is not easy to me. I hold grudges because I feel pain much more intensely than others. Why? No clue. So when my life was literally turned upside down, I very much so went into myself as I always did and dwell on things I wished I could change.
I remember when I was told my dad died, out of nowhere. I can't really describe that feeling but if it helps paint a picture, all I could do was scream. I gave my car keys to my roommates and literally broke down. Death is such a physical intense PAIN that changes you, unfortunately. It makes you stronger because there's no greater pain, but it's incredibly hard.
I've never wanted to harm someone, ever, in my life, even if they harmed me. Until my father died. I think I lost myself this year in seeking out revenge and trying to get through grieving while in legal battles just to get my dads personal items that were kept for me and that I never got.
I'm sick of this pain, i'm sick of the pain of helplessness and not able to do anything. I'm sick of the revenge I want so desperately for the two women who hurt me more than anyone in this entire world would ever hurt me. But I need to release that pain and trauma and torment i've went through this past year and do what my dad would have wanted - move on and live my best life. Regardless of what anyone else thinks or does.
These two women are the lowest of the low. They refused me my dads personal items that legally belonged to me and I was told the entire year that it isn't worth it to fight it in court. I think i've rested with this argument. But the pain is still so immense. The pain of what those despicable women did to me is something I can and have to let go of.
So, I forgive them. Not for them, I don't give a flying fuck about their feelings, their personal lives, or what happens to them. I'm being selfish and forgiving them for ME. To release my pain and anger, resentment, dread, worry, torment, and despair from these two and the power they have over me. They have no power to effect my emotions anymore and are dead to me. Dead to me meaning no anger, no hate, no resent, but also no care for what happens to them. They don't exist. I have to let it go.
All that exists now is the memories I have with my father for 28 years, that is something no one can take away from me, and no one else has or can share. That's for myself and him. The pain of losing my father is not gone, nor ever will be, but the pain from these two vile and disgusting creatures is being released. You hold no power over me anymore. My dad wouldn't want me to suffer or live like this - so I refuse to anymore. The old me is dead and gone and with it, those two women who deserve nothing of my emotions, thoughts, time, or pain. Its time to do what my dad would want and continue on with my life and be happy.
