when having one of the really bad days. I started thinking of how I could have and should have spent more time with my mother as she was dying. How she was alone and scared (even though my mom was rarely scared of anything, or at least ever showed it), and she was dying alone because I had to work a 40+ hour job.
and then feeling guilty about being in my bedroom so much when I was home, when I could have been hanging with my mom in the living room (even though she slept a LOT). I reached out and was honest with my family best friend (cousin) who helped me through the loop - that I had to work to provide for me and my mother, and that I had to have time to myself for my own mental health or I would never be able to take care of her if I didnt take care of myself as well. It helped me so much get over that loop of thought.
Comments
Hindsight is a terrible and beautiful thing, but I am 100% sure your mum was extremely grateful for the time you did spend together! And while you might look back and say "damn I wish I spent more" I'm sure she is in Heaven, or whatever is there after death, thinking "I'm glad for the time we spent"! There is no doubt she would be proud and blessed to see how strong you have become over it, and would be the first to tell you you're being silly!
Always hear if you wanna talk SB! <3