I posted this a couple of years ago, but I feel like the point needs to be reinforced because some people are still not getting the message. As I have come more into being myself and learning to love the way God made me, I am finding that others don't like this new self-aware, independent me. I also find that they preferred when I was ignorant and submissive, as it meant that I was easy to manipulate and control. I like being self-aware and independent, though, as it has helped me to improve all aspects of my life and also helps me appreciate my divine identity.
I hope this doesn't offend anyone, but I sometimes feel like I am in my own 'closet' because I am struggling to find pride in who I am and how my mind works. There has always been a bit of a stigma against those with disabilities because they don't fit the mold that society has created and defines normal people by. People with disabilities used to be institutionalized or forcibly operated on and kept away from the normalacy of society. Though most institutions are now gone, the 'normals' still tend to treat people like me as outcasts and that's sad.
My disability is somewhat different than what the definition of a typical disability is in that it cannot be seen at first glance; it is a social/learning disability called Non-Verbal Learning Disorder, which is on the autism spectrum, that comes out when I try to socialize or learn and it often results in learning difficulties or struggles to socialize successfully. I have improved a great deal over the years in that I am now aware of my struggle and how to adapt to situations as needed.
It is, however, quite a lonely journey because people choose to freak out and/or disassociate themselves with me more often than not when they find out about my disability. I have been teased, shunned, ghosted, and ridiculed over it all my life; I have been denied friendships/relationships and other opportunities over it and that sort of thing really wears on my personal morale. This happens to me both inside and outside of my church and every time it happens, it's like I get body checked to the point where my soul also feels it.
I want to be proud of how God made me and I want to be proud of what I am doing to get along in this world and also in the progress I have made over the years, but nobody likes being on an island when it comes to life. I am repeatedly shutting myself in an emotional closet simply because people don't like it when I am myself and they don't hesitate to cruelly mock me and tell me that I am nothing. I know I am worth much and I want to be out of the closet as far as choosing how I live and loving the life that I choose goes.
I just need compassion, patience, love, and understanding so that I feel encouraged enough to be who I really am. I will still live even if hated, but to know that there are those in the world who care and love me for me will make me want to show my genuinely kind self. I may appear rude or shy, but I am only protecting myself from pain I've already been through and fear experiencing again. I am a person and I have value; I would love to be loved just as I am.
