Host [BJ]: *walks across stage in stilettos* hello, I’m BluJay Chen-Moonves and welcome to our FIRST season of t-celebrity big brother.
Spending less time it took for my husband to be defamed and fired from the CBS franchise entirely, we have recruited 13 jaw-dropping and money-hungry celebrities to vie for the prize and title as a winner.
You may know them from your childhood, from magazines, or EVEN from other reality television programs, but this time? They’re playing by MY rules.
Before we meet our houseguests, let’s go to the first of several, unneeded commercial breaks this season.
*commercial break, including 7 advertisements from coreyants wanting YOU to apply to the pinkbox @ 10:00 pm tonight !*
BJ: Welcome back, I’m once again BluJay Chen-Moonves. Now, let’s meet our first 5 celebrities!
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Celebrity #1’s Intro Package —
*camera pans to a lavish, Malibu mansion, then a gorgeous pool and patio [sponsored by WAYFAIR furniture]*
*camera then statics out and cuts to a “modest” suburban home in Arkansas*
*camera pans to first celebrity, standing at doorstep*
Padfoot: it’s been a while since the spotlight shined this bright, huh?
I’m Padfoot, and you remember me from my countless stints as a reality television ICON.
*padfoot leads cameraman inside, interior of home is... well.... the opposite of lavish*
Pad: I decided to, uh, take a DETOX from my glorious lifestyle as THE rich and THE famous face in Hollywood, and enjoy the pleb things in life such as..... family! and..... home cooked meals!
*articles stating phrases like “PADFOOT‘S MANSION FORECLOSED?” or “REALITY TV JUST GOT REAL.... PADFOOT IN BANKRUPTCY??” flash across the screen, then disappear*
Pad: I’m here for some extra money.... just like everyone else! But I’m more importantly here to make SURE people remember the REAL star of reality television.
As my good friend, and yes we still communicate, Lisa Vanderpump once said:
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Celebrity #2’s Intro Package —
*camera glitches from Padfoot’s commentary and thunder booms in the background, with ominous cackling heard; new scene is shown of NYC*
WBF: I put the “it” in reality television, baby. Don’t forget it.
I’m WannaBeeFriends, but you have the permission to call me Chance.
As the template for all your favorite reality television gangsters and badass bitches, it’s time for you to learn the history of the past and witness the future of me claiming yet ANOTHER crown for my mantle. Controversy doesn’t BEGIN to shed light to my infamy.
*articles flash on screen including “chance and iceey; is it love or lust?”, “frookies champion wbf speaks on best strategies” and “chance reveals why he QUIT suitman13’s project rewind: ‘I was touched’” *
WBF: Yes, I’ve tried my best to let a new crop enjoy the limelight, but I’ve grown tired of their antics; it’s time for a return.
I’m open to backstabs, front-stabs, and hell, even going straight for the jugulars this game. Watch out everyone *twirls*
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Celebrity #3’s Intro Package —
*cameras start flashing, and photo shoots fade across the screen*
Lex: Pretty hurts, but money can fix the pain. (;
I’m Lexeyjane, and you most likely recognize me from countless magazines, photo spreads, and tabloids as one of the REALEST bitches in the business.
Lex: My squad may not always get the best rap, but coming into this game, I at least know that I can bring loyalty, which is hard to find.
I may be known for my looks, but I’m more than that. I’m smart and my personality can carry me just as far as bluejay7622 carries his survivor tribes, and since I don’t accept defeat, I’m ONLY staring at that money and crown.
Haters can continue coming for my existence, but jealousy doesn’t get you success; winning does. (:
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Celebrity #4’s Intro Package —
*rupaul’s “super queen” plays, and camera lights up to the runway to present the next celebrity*
*camera changes to the werq room, where Shante is packing her bag*
Shante: After being a 3-time, yes I said, THREE TIME guest judge on RuPaul’s drag race, I’ve learned not to judge others... I’ve learned to just beat them!
Known for my occasionally comedic lines and barely sharp reads, I am excited to bring in the entertainment and leave with the money.
Do I practice drag? Yes. Will I practice in the haus? If you consider me clocking these houseguests as a drag, then YES.
I may not be Roxxxy Andrews, but
I am here to make it clear: you’ll be seeing me with that crown.
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Celebrity #5’s Intro Package —
*camera pans to live performance, then our celebrity*
Cat: don’t cha wish your winner was talented like me? Oh wait, they still can. (:
I’m hellocat, but you can call the LOVELY 5th alternate of the famed girl group The Pussycat Dolls.
I know what you’re thinking.. there’s more than one member in TPD? Well, most of America is pondering the same question, and I’m here to tell you that they wouldn’t have achieved anything without me.
Don’t Cha was a pop SUCESS, yet, I never got credit for originally performing it??
*camera shows original cover of TPD, with Cat*
Cat: Yes, I’m the girl in the back, but nonetheless, I played an INTEGRAL part in the formation and legacy of this girl group.
Why am I here to play celebrity big brother? Well, while I wait for Nicole Scherzinger’s response to perform as a feature on my debut album: Hello Catty, I decided I might as well play for some extra cash.
These people may push my Buttons, but I’ll keep Hush Hush Hush Hush as I sneak my way to that cash prize.
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BJ: Well, I’m already regretting this season, but, tune in next episode to meet our next 4 contestants!
From outside the celebrity big brother house, I’m BluJay Chen-Moonves, goodnight!
Host [BJ]: *walks across stage in stilettos* hello, I’m BluJay Chen-Moonves and welcome to our FIRST season of t-celebrity big brother. 
