Hello ladies! Welcome to the main stage of Dawns Drag Race!
This week, I challenged my girls to one of my favorite things... Stand up comedy! Most of this cast are actual comedy queens so I don't wanna be let down, I don't think I will but it most likely will happen. ANWAYDSY, I can't wait to begin!
And on the runway, I wanted LATEX GLAMOUR! I excluded dominatrix looks due to how an obvious choice it would've been so if I see one dominatrix look on the runway, automatic 9th. xoxo
Now... TO THE STAND UP!
First up... It's Litter Ally!
Hello everyone. I didn't realize this was happening today.
So when I got this challenge I thought "how can I possible be entertaining without any material?", but then I remembered Misty Shade was still in competition and I felt better.
Speaking of feeling better I have aids. Mmmhmm, hearing aids. They work really well. Except for when I was in the doctor's office, I couldn't understand them when they were calling my name. All I heard was hiv... hiv.... hiv plus? OH! Litter Alley! The doctor will see you now! Very confusing.
Also confusing: what is the difference between Jerryonthesunday and Jerry Springer? The answer is one appropriates black culture and the other does black face. I know I know, the joke has been used before, but like a used condom Jerry too is lost inside a twink's anus trying to gasp for air but just talks shit.
Speaking of shit, Blonde is here.
No no, I'm kidding she is my sister! Ugly step sister. The 2nd ugly step sister that no one talks about. The other is Analiese who last I heard is still getting chased away by the fat DILFs from west coast. And me? They call me-
*Azealia banks points a AK-47 at litter*
CINDERELLA. CHILL AZEALIA CHILL.
Anyways, It's time for me to go. If you liked my set, my name is Litter Alley, and if you didn't like me, my name is Ivonka Slut.
JerryOnTheSunday!
gets mic passed on Thank you Gretchen the singer, that was really a hilarious comedy routine you gave us, the only thing funnier is this mess of a cast. Without taking a second glance, you could mistake us for the cast of, "My 600-lb Life". All of you are always nagging the hell outta me, "Jerry, Jerry, do this and that, and you'll get better!" You want some advice from me for a change? Bitch, eat a salad!
Now I've competed in a lot of drag races, I mean as a twelve year old inexperienced asian gay boy, I think I can say without a shadow of a doubt I have never seen a worse cast than all of you albino waste of sperm. I have never before Ethan, met such whites like you. You guys would sprinkle ketchup on bread, because it would STILL be too spicy for you! White people are really something else, you have like- this INSATIABLE need to spray ketchup on everything. Rice? Ketchup! Nachos? Ketchup! An open wound? Ketchup! Ketchup? Ketchup!
I wish sometimes I lived with a white family. Who am I kidding I wouldn't if someone held me at gunpoint, but it would really be something else. My mom and dad are Tibetan, which is a region in China right, so I eat cats and dogs for breakfast, have a black belt in karate, and a tiny dick. I'm just kidding you guys, I don't know karate, who do you take me for?
I'm not sure I have too much time left, so now I will pass the mic to the gorgeous, the beautiful, the amazing, the show-stopping, Rosie O'Donnell. Ivonka, Rosie, same person anyways right? Bitch is so unfunny, the season's gonna get cancelled.
Ivonka Slut!
*Walks out on stage with mop*
Sorry y'all… sorry y'all… don't worry, that shit fest is over, let me just clean up the stage real quick... https://media1.giphy.com/media/l2YWkhCvZ2ufDVar6/giphy.gif
*Throws mop to the side*
Now, it's really hard being... a minority... in this time period. With the crazy people nowadays, you just never know when they'll target people like me. Wait, you don't know how I'm a minority? Let me show you...
*Rips off pants*
I'm THICK. All these wanna be skinnies on Tengaged… they're not EMBRACING what it truly means to be thick.
*Turns around and twerks*
Let me tell you guys something about the good, friendly host, Dawn. Dawn is a pretty nice, all-around guy... everyone loves him... until you actually talk to him.
The moment I met Dawn I said "Wow, Im meeting my biggest idol!", but do you know what his first words to me were?
"Abortion."
I did a COMPLETE 360 TURN AROUND DEATHDROP SPLIT I WAS ENTIRELY SHOOK.
It just... came out of left field... I really didn't know how to respond, so I went home... got my laptop, and uploaded to my YouTube... "STORYTIME | SEXUALLY HARASSED IN WALMART (NOT CLICKBAIT) (18+)"
I may have gotten 8 million dislikes, but nonetheless, that shit got viewed... and Dawn got exposed.
I won last week's challenge... you may think... Ivonka, you're so funny! No bitch... you want to know why I won?
Because this bitch Dawn.... has a crush... on Lizzie Velásquez. If you don't know who it is... look it up... I'll give you time.
You're shocked... I know, I really think we all are. I don't know what attracts you to her... I mean... I just really don't get it.
So, I decided I want to look like Lizzie tonight, so you know what I did?
I modeled this runway look after her... (For Reference: https://imgur.com/a/Nk014VK )
I bet you have no idea how.... Well, let me give you a comparison...
Look at Lizzie's eyes.... and look at mine.
*Turns to side, dramatically*
I know... I'm a phony… I'm exposed... but do I care? NO.
The bigotry and defamatory nature expressed by your host over here Dawn Peacly….
*Whispers to audience*
What even kind of last name is Peacly…
*Talks loud again*
is DISGUSTING. Truly, as a person who values creative integrity and originality, THIS bitch... is a RIGGER...
I'm doing this for you Lizzie... *Blows kiss at camera*
Now, it's time to move onto the next piece of shit this show could afford....
Naysha L- Red Ruby!
Red Ruby!
*Runs out on the runway smiling* hey y'all!!!!! I'm very excited to be here on Dawn's Drag Race. I was already eliminated by our very own Aurora, the drag equivalent to a starving model. You can imagine my excitement when a fucking dying African child was lip syncing next to me and somehow managed to not just... Finally die ya know. Erotic yet.... Enlightening. Now, I'm not gonna stand here and just talk about how bad I've been doing so far, but I do wanna talk about my favorite topic... Black face Willow. Kidding, kidding. She claims it didn't happen. So I'm just gonna believe our own inner sabatour. But on a more serious note I do wanna have a small chat about things that are going on in America today. It's a scary time to have someone the colour of a orange bruise from a woman after she got beat by her very angry and very drunk husband. It's not reassuring. Toupee man and Korean Paul Blart keep threatening to blow each other, and im just.... confused!? Where the fuck do I get someone to threaten to blow me to?! Thank you guys so much for being here and if you wanna buy my merch it's in the back of my drug van. *Smiles and blows kisses as I leave the stage*
Misty Shade!
*insert video of Mistys comedy routine*
Aurora Belarachy!
Stand up comedy:
Hello ladies and gentleman! Oh yeah I forgot that it's just you. Hello lady! Or gentlemen? Whatever let's just get to it!
Ok I'll start off easy, um......
Ask me what the best thing about Switzerland is.
Dawn: What's the best thing about Switzerland?
I don't know actually.
Dawn: That's terrible.
But the flag is a big plus!
I thought I'd get a bigger laugh then that. Oh well
You know, I've always wondered why people are telling actors to "break a leg."
And I've finally figured out why.
Dawn: Why?
Because every film needs a cast!
Ok enough of these stupid jokes, now I'm really gonna make you laugh with your favourite types of jokes. Dark jokes. Enjoy!
Recently I've found out why not many orphans play baseball?
Yeah it cos they dont know where home is!
I'm black so let me tell you some of my favourite racist jokes that I found off of the internet I-I-I mean that I umm- made up.
A black guy and a Mexican are in a car. Who's driving?
Dawn: I don't know, who is driving the car?
The cop!
Why was six afraid of seven?
And it's not because seven eight nine (even though that is funny!)
Seven was black!
What do you call a bunch of white guys sitting on a bench?
The NBA!
Come on it's true.
I've always wondered why white people own so many pets?
And I realised it's because they're not allowed to own people anymore!
Why are black men good at basketball?
Dawn: Why?
The whole purpose is to run shoot and steal!
Here are some more of the dark jokes that I have.
How many dead babies does it take to paint a wall?
Depends on how hard you throw them.
What do spinach and anal sex have in common?
Dawn; Oooooo what?
If you were forced to have it as a kid you will hate it as an adult.
Ok here's my last joke of the night.
I mean people always say stuff about pedofiles but hey they do drive slower through school zones!
Hey yall! My name is Tabestbicha and some of you may know me as the fake Pakistani Latina Queen. Others may know me as the black people critic. Turns on loudspeaker If anyone in this room is of African descent, please leave immediately. No one leaves Looks at the audience Black cock counts too. Everyone exits, leaving Jerry alone in the audience Oh wow now I feel like Blonde at one of her shows. Everyone but her mom left cos she couldn’t get the technology to work.
I’m just kidding! Obviously… The audience return https://media.giphy.com/media/l0HlvtIPzPdt2usKs/giphy.gif
But really, I can’t blame you for fucking a black guy cos not only can you get him to do the gardening afterwards but there’s this whole added pressure to the ordeal. Because you’re not bouncing for yourself, you’re bouncing for your race honey. You gotta represent your people! Just like Litter Ally represents the survivors of the Grenfell Tower fire… https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2017/dec/11/homeless-because-of-a-tragedy-struggle-to-rehouse-grenfell-survivors-continues
Now you’re probably wondering what the Grenfell tower fire was, well it was a fire that ripped through many stories of a block of flats in London. You’re also probably wondering who Red Ruby is… no? I don’t know either.
Now, I’m gonna move on to terrorism. Don’t get me wrong, making fun of terrorism is not something I wanna do, but Ethan likes dark humour so I’m doing it! Because, it does scare me! Just like Misty forcing us to torture our eyes while trying to look at her runway… choices. But you know Willow Blue, the most famous black face queen in the magazines right now, doesn’t have to worry about these things. Terrorists don’t take black hostages! I am yet to see one of em reading a hostage letter like, “Uh… They is treatin us good… Uh we are chillin and shit. I’d like to give a shout-out to Ray-Ray and Big Steve” Willow, gurl, you are safe. So we’ve established that terrorists like the blacks, but who do they not like? Naturally, they must hate racists! So, Miss JerryOnTheSunday, You in danger gurl!
So a lot of you may know my secret. Last year I married a 19-year-old German girl called Scezia. And I didn’t know she was a vegetarian until she told me she stanned Ivonka Slut. I never liked the wheelchair people. But I always wondered, when I look at a nice juicy steak and my mouth starts watering, does the same thing happen when they see their neighbour mowing the lawn?! Now… clearly, I am a man dressed up in woman’s clothing, so me being straight may be a little confusing. But I’m just gonna have to come out and be honest. My wife is vegetarian. When I’m with my wife, I eat vegetarian. When shes not around, I eat meat. Just being honest, just being honest! But love is like a fart… if you have to force it… it’s probably shit.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, I have been Tabestbicha, your one stop shop for racist jokes and self-deprecation! Thank you and goodnight!
JerryOnTheSunday: Hi Jerry! So lets start with your challenge, it actually made me laugh like I enjoyed, and im gonna be honest, I was a little worried for you considering how you’re not much of a comedy queen but I think you did okay tonight. Now onto your runway, im so happy you changed it because now you actually look good. You look like a punk rock bitch and I love it. And your mug looks good!
Misty Shade: Hi Misty! So onto your challenge... erm... probs for making a video of yourself! I liked that... but the thing is you talked so much and barely ever got to the jokes and when you did get to the jokes, they weren’t very funny... Misty you’re scaring me in this competition because I wanna see more but I feel like we’ve already seen what all you have to offer... I don’t know how long you’re gonna last if you keep going down the route your going. Now onto your runway, you and aurora have the same dress on and you don’t look bad, I feel like you’re trying to tell us a story with the makeup but I don’t quite get it.
Aurora Belarachy: Hi Aurora! I’m gonna be honest, i’m kinda disappointed in you when it comes to your challenge because these jokes we’re just like... one liners. In stand up, you kinda have to go with a story that has a bunch of jokes in it but you just got up there and told us a bunch of one liners, and not only that, these one liners didn’t even feel like yours, i feel like you legitimately copied and pasted them from the internet. Then to your runway, it actually isn’t bad. The latex gown is super cute along with the latex umbrella but it feels basic. You and Misty we’re both honestly basic. I had high expectations for you considering how you had a great week last week.
Red Ruby: Hi Ruby! So it started off funny, I laughed a little, but the end felt really rushed. You like got up there, told a few jokes, and blasted off like I wanted it to be longer and funnier in all honesty. Im not saying you did bad but like you could’ve done WAY better. Now onto your runway, I actually really like this! Probs for being bald, that was a bold move and I like it. It’s very alienated and I like it. You definitely stand out tonight on the runway... only if your challenge lived up to the runway.
Ivonka Slut: Hi Ivonka! Your stand up actually made me laugh. I’m happy with it. The Walmart sexual story and pinning it on me made me chuckle. But near the end we kinda lost it. In fact after the walmart joke, I didn’t laugh anymore, I just kinda smirked at it. You know? But you did not do bad. But now onto your runway... This is where the problem is... I didn’t like this runway very much. It just feels really basic. Like evil queen? I think you could’ve done better. You’re just now fresh off a win so you needed to walk into this week and push yourself even harder but I don’t really think you did that when it comes to the runway.
TaBestBicha: Hi Bicha! So your comedy was funny but confusing haha. Like I was confused through half of it. I didn’t really understand where you were going with half of it but then i caught on and fucking died. You are hilarious! And then this runway... girl! You look AMAZING. This is by far the best look i’ve seen in the entire season. You did great this week Bicha! Im proud of you.
Litter Ally: Hi Litter! Your comedy made me laugh, you’re a very funny queen! In fact, I don’t have much criticism! Now to your runway, it’s okay. It’s just okay. I love your body girl, you know your curves and i love it. That hair too, so good. But the outfit itself i don’t really like.
Blonde: Hi Blonde! Your challenge made me CACKLE. god you’re so fucking funny! You’re probably one of the funniest queens in the cast! No criticism to be honest... good work. Your runway is SO fucking funny. Why would’ve fucking thought of this? NO ONE. Its so good. Great work this week. Love the utters.
Camryn Venti: Hi Camryn! So lets start with your runway, I like this. Its really cute! The gown is so pretty and your mug is beat. The flower seems a little unnecessary but I feel like you should’ve done more accessories neck down but you still look good. And you had no comedy. Disappointed.
The jokes were there, but they crashed...
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Aurora Belarachy...
Your one liners made me want to snort one line.
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I'm sorry my dears but you are apart of the BTM 4 this week.
Beside you are four girls who did not reach their full potential this week... You now have the power to decide which of these two girls will...
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LIP SYNC...
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For their....
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LIVES!
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Will it be Misty Shade? Aurora Belarachy? Camryn Venti? Or Ivonka Slut...?
Due to Camryn not posting comedy, She is in the BTM 2 by default.
