McKenna Matthews pulls her car up at the Starbucks parking lot, turning off the radio currently blasting Ke$ha's "Die Young". She looks down at the text on her phone from an unknown number.
-come to starbucks-
McKenna sighs, typing up a response.
She sends the text in frustration and gets out of the car, swiftly walking up to the Starbucks. She walks in, the Starbucks employee around her age scoffing at McKenna walking in.
EMPLOYEE: "You can't come in. I'm about to close the store."
MCKENNA: "Keyword there is 'about to'. I'll have a no foam caramel macchiato, thanks."
The employee reluctantly follows through her order. McKenna looks around the store, hearing a distant ticking noise start to go off, before locking eyes with a duo of badly-dressed teenagers staring back at her: Elijah Rothschild and Fern Mayfield.
McKenna narrows her eyes at the two, causing them to stop looking. As the coffee stops brewing, the duo make their way out of the store at a fast pace. McKenna looks back at them in suspicion, before being startled by the Starbucks employee.
EMPLOYEE: "Here's your order, miss princess."
McKenna snags the order from the employee's hand, looking over at her misspelled name.
MCKENNA: "Um, yeah, I'm gonna have to take this back. You misspelled my name."
The employee furrows his brows in anger, as the ticking gets louder and louder.
EMPLOYEE: "You don't even remember who I am, do you?"
MCKENNA: "...Do you hear that… ticking sound?"
EMPLOYEE: "All I hear is the voice of some privileged daddy's girl who thinks she's too good for the rest of us."
MCKENNA: "What the hell are you going on about?"
EMPLOYEE: "Duh? I'm Carter Evans? We had classes since the first grade at Lakeview Elementary. You tricked me into writing 'maggots don't deserve rights' in the school chalkboard once because I get Ms and Fs confused and I got kicked out of the school?!"
MCKENNA: "Oh. Ew, you still have that weird pimple on your chin."
EMPLOYEE: "It's a birth mark."
MCKENNA: "Cool sob story, but I gotta go. Some of us have an actual life to get to."
McKenna starts to strut out of the store when the ticking gets louder and louder. Carter, the employee, notices the sound and traces it back to a cabinet. He opens it and finds a bomb inside about to go off.
EMPLOYEE: "...Oh sh-"
The next second, the entire Starbucks store explodes.
A news reporter impatiently taps her foot as a cameraman sets a camera up.
NEWS REPORTER: “Can you hurry the fuck up?? I need to interview these homeless teens about the starbucks explosion!”
Elijah and Fern stare at each other before turning to the news reporter.
ELIJAH: “We’re not homeless.”
The news reporter blinks.
NEWS REPORTER: “Oh.”
The cameraman gives the news reporter a signal that the camera is up and running. The news reporter quickly turns into a smiley and energetic person.
NEWS REPORTER: “Good morning folks of Lakeview! As most of you probably already heard, last night we lost Lakeview’s most prized possession, McKenna Matthews. And some starbucks employee no one knows. Now, I’m here with two survivors of the explosion. Elijah Rothschild and Fern Mayfield.
The news reporter turns to Elijah.
NEWS REPORTER: “How was surviving the explosion?”
ELIJAH: “It was cool or whatever but I think the starbucks explosion is a metaphor that people’s obsessions with material goods will be the end of them. McKenna Matthews was young and full of life but her obsession with starbucks is really what caused her death.”
The news reporter wipes a tear.
NEWS REPORTER: “Wow, that was so powerful-”
Fern snatches the microphone from the news reporter.
FERN: “Yeah the starbucks burning down was horrible. But on the bright side, we actually have just opened our own little humble coffee shop right next to the starbucks! we are actually handing out coupons -- everyone that shows us proof of buying a physical or digital copy of “Born To Die” by Lana Del Rey gets 50% off our coffees! So, come stop by The Brew (Or Whatever)!”
The news reporter grabs the microphone back from Fern and continues giving some standard news report thing.
Lucy Luscious parks outside of the gym. She looks at her driver's test results and sighs.
LUCY: “Not this.”
Lucy shoves the paper into her purse and then gets out of the car as Bronwyn Hartfeld walks up to her.
BRONWYN: “Why are you late??”
Lucy adjusts her white fur coat, that’s made of anally electrocuted minks.
LUCY: “I thought I hit an old lady but turns it out it was just a squirrel.”
Lucy walks towards the school as Bronwyn gets a news alert on her that some old lady has died in a hit and run.
BRONWYN: ‘What a coincidence.”
Bronwyn catches up to Lucy.
BRONWYN: “Isn’t it so sad that McKenna died?”
The two girls walk into the school as Lilith Harker blows cigarette smoke into Leonie Colete’s face.
LILLITH: “I’m actually kind of happy that bitch, McKenna, died. She ruined my life. I hate her and the other cheerleaders so much.”
Leonie waves the smoke out of her face.
LEONIE: “Tais-toi pute lesbienne gothique. cesser d'être obsédé par la pom-pom girl maléfique morte.”
Lillith, who didn’t understand a word Leonie said, slowly nods.
LILLITH: “I agree?”
Their convo is cut off short by Kore Ortega, who strolls in and grabs Lillith by the wrist.
KORE: "Come on! Didn't you hear the announcement that we were all supposed to meet at the gym?"
LILLITH: "Yeah, I was gonna ignore it. Are we still up for the swim team practice today?"
KORE: "That Lilac girl had a panic attack and threw up earlier in the abandoned pool after she heard McKenna died so… Raincheck for tomorrow?"
LILLITH: "Gross. Even in death that whore manages to mess up our plans, huh?"
Kore rolls her eyes as the two sneak into the packed auditorium, grabbing the free two seats available next to Sammy Cunningham, as the cheerleaders perform a cheer routine in tribute to McKenna, set to a bad dance remix of "Candle in the Wind" by Elton John, as the crowd watches, mostly confused and/or bored.
After the cheer performance ends, Sasha Shayne approaches the mic.
SASHA: "Thank you all so much for attending this emergency tribute to my dear friend McKenna Matthews. I asked our lovely dean if I could say a few words about McKenna."
The Dean gives her a thumbs up as Sasha clears her throat.
SASHA: “As McKenna Matthews’ best friend, no one is totally sadder about McKenna going up in flames in a Starbucks than me. I’m really going to miss Starbucks. Oh, and McKenna too. McKenna was always a very… thoughtful and giving person, and she was always a helper. She helped me in a lot of situations in fact. She was the person that helped me get into shape for the cheerleading squad after I turned into an, in her own words, “mentally challenged hippo with the waist of the size of a ferris-wheel”. She was also the person that warned me never to wear crackle nail polish because that was HER thing and HER thing only. But alas, she’s gone and I’m still here. As I’m sure most of you heard about already, I decided to plan a little small intimate gathering at my house to mourn over the loss of our dear friend.”
The crowd blinks in boredom.
SASHA: “...Which is why I invited some of McKenna’s closest friends, the band-members of THE WANTED TO PERFORM!!!”
The crowd gets up from their seats, cheering on enthusiastically, specially Dalton Jefferson.
DALTON: “OGMKFDNJKDNDSKJN THE WANTED YESSSS!!”
SASHA: “...But they declined so I got the next best thing, Union J!”
The clapping dies down, besides Dalton who squeals even harder, before cautiously getting back in his seat. His best friend Drake Alexander bumps him in the shoulder.
DRAKE: “Dude, you just screamed like a thirteen year old girl One Directioner over Union J. You sure the tap water didn’t catch up with you?”
Dalton narrows his eyes.
DALTON: “What’re you trying to imply? You think I’m a knob gobbler? You want me to fist your arsehole?”
DRAKE: “What, no, dude, it was a-”
DALTON: “I’m not a little sissy!!!”
Dalton’s screaming echoes through the gym, as Sasha looks on embarrassed.
SASHA: “Um… anyhow, I hope to see you all there. It’s gonna be THE party of the year! Oh, and of course, tomorrow our honorable Lakeview Chickens will be having their own wrestling match against the Riverside Cock-a-Doodles.”
The Wrestling Team cheers on Sasha’s announcement, as most of the other students roll their eyes and wait for the gym meeting to end, when suddenly the infamous hipsters Elijah Rothschild and Fern Mayfield walk inside the gym. The crowd instantly starts whispering.
ERICA: “...Is… Is that Robert Pattinson?”
JORDAN: “What? No, those are the two poor homeless teenagers that survived the Starbucks explosion. They’re new students at Lakeview. Didn’t you watch the news?”
ERICA: “I got stuck having to write Aidan’s English essay.”
Jordan rolls her eyes as a curious Alvin Adams, sitting next to Erica Anderson and Jordan Crawford, locks eyes with Elijah Rothschild as him and Fern sit down.
After the gym meeting ends, Karolyn Vega gets off the bleachers, turning to her fellow news club members and holding her notepad.
KAROLYN: “So, did anyone you get any sort of details on McKenna’s possible murder? Like, who did it? Why did they do it? “
SANA: “Um, the police said it was an accident. So, it probably was an accident!”
OWEN: “An accident doesn’t sell! There’s no drama in it.”
KAROLYN: “Okay, Owen, pipe down, I’m the one who’s supposed to get mad at your incompetence. Besides, the police force in this town is totally incompetent.”
Owen rolls his eyes as Josie Allan speaks up.
JOSIE: “Actually there were two survivors.”
Karolyn snaps her head in Josie’s direction.
KAROLYN: “Who are the survivors?”
JOSIE: “They’re homeless teens. And I didn’t catch their names because I was um…”
- A cut scene shows that Josie was doing attention seeking poses in the background of Elijah and Fern’s interview -
JOSIE: “Busy? I was busy. Let’s go with that?”
Karolyn glares at Josie.
KAROLYN: “Don’t take this the wrong way or anything, but your mother should’ve smothered you when you were a baby!”
Josie gasps dramatically as Chloe Versace side-eyes the news club freaks before turning to the other cheerleaders.
CHLOE: “She’s literally so obsessed. It’s concerning.”
LINDSAY: “It might be a mental illness or something.”
The two nod in agreement as Lilac Williams begins to sob into Kori Morgan’s shoulder.
LILAC: “It’s just so sad that McKenna died. She was, like, my friend.”
KORI: “No one cares.”
Sasha approaches the cheerleaders after her incredibly long speech.
SASHA: “As head cheerleader and captain of the cheer squad, I feel like you guys should’ve paid more attention to my speech.”
Kori mumbles something under her breath.
SASHA: “What was that, Kori?”
KORI: “I don’t think you should be the head cheerleader or the captain. If McKenna wanted you to have that role, she would’ve said something.
SASHA: “She literally died in an explosion. It’s not like she knew she was going to die and could’ve said something. Plus, I was her second-in-command so it makes perfect sense that I’m the head cheerleader of the cheer squad. And I think it’s totally rude that you don’t think so.”
KORI: “Well, guess what Sasha? I do.”
SASHA: “I swear to God, Kori. I will not hesitate to kick your ass-”
Flora Bella grabs Sasha’s hand and pulls her to the side.
FLORA: “Sasha. You cannot threaten someone at a funeral.”
SASHA: “She started it.”
Flora shakes her head in disappointment.
FLORA: “Get it together. Also… Who gave you permission to host a 'small intimate gathering' at your house?"
SASHA: "Okay, quick pro-tip. I get it, my parents are out of town and you wanna act like you're in charge of me, but you're not! I'm having a very stressful day and I don't need your shit. Got it? KK, thanks."
Flora reluctantly walks away as Sasha rolls her eyes.
Aaliyah King smiles at Fern Mayfield before turning to Christian Fleetwood.
AALIYAH: “Isn’t she, like, so pretty?”
CHRISTIAN: “So pretty. Like, so pretty that I want to be her boyfriend or something?”
Finley Reed walks up to Elijah Rothschild and hands him a dollar.
FINLEY: “Just giving money to the homeless.”
ELIJAH: “But I’m not homeless?”
FINLEY: “Oh. Of course, you aren’t because you’re the guy from Twilight! I’m team Jacob but Edward’s cool, I guess.”
ELIJAH: “I’m not him either so…”
FINLEY: “Oh. No, I mean, I know. I knew that.”
Lucy Luscious and Bronwyn Hartfeld walk past Elijah, and Bronwyn stares and raises an eyebrow at him.
LUCY: “Are you going to the ‘I’m so sad mckenna died :(‘ rave at Sasha’s house tonight?”
Bronwyn snaps back into reality.
BRONWYN: “Huh? What? Oh. I might.”
LUCY: “You better go, girl. I don’t want to have to be stuck talking to Jordan all night.”
BRONWYN: “I don’t know… larrystylinson123 has sent me numerous death threats if I didn’t finish the smut chapter of my 1D Purge fanfic I said I would write since May. But um… If Alvin stops by, I’ll gladly show up!”
Lucy shakes her head as they get inside Lucy’s car. Bronwyn turns the radio on and “Die Young” by Ke$ha starts blasting from the speakers as Lucy starts swerving around the road dangerously.
First and foremost, welcome to the first season of So Uncool™!
As stated before, the episode opens at 5PM EST, so from this comment's time, about an hour from now. So obviously, no posting before the episode's open!
Also, if you spot any spelling errors, we don't really believe in proofreading so yeah!
Hope to see you all there!
NOW: Classes are out for today! People should be roaming around town or school, getting ready for Lakeview's first winter social event of the year, that one being...
LATER TODAY: The big 'McKenna Matthews Is Dead 😔' emergency rave party hosted by her dear friend, Sasha Shayne. The party begins at 7PM EST and Union J are performing, and you sure don't wanna miss THAT!
TOMORROW: A normal day of classes at Lakeview High, and then later, Lakeview High's first wrestling match of the season. Good cluck, Lakeview Chickens...?
Bronwyn is trying out dresses in her bedroom, while typing out the 1D smut chapter on her Notes app in her iPhone.
Dalton is in the school hallways, chatting up with a couple of NPCs from the Wrestling Team about how Union J should've won The X Factor UK.
Elijah Rothschild is moving some boxes around "The Brew (Or Whatever)" alongside fellow friend Fern Mayfield.
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