Hello everyone!
I know it's a little late, sorry. But you know what they say: I wasn't late, you all just didn't have to deal with legal problems yesterday.
First of all, I want to thank Mama Talian for letting me participate in this Roast. You know, Mama Talian reminds me of my first breath in the morning. Strong, thick and always smells like semen.
I know that all of you are very young, but when I met Talian, she was actually very different from how she is now. She was a poor girl with no education, desperately trying to fit into the industry. But look at her now... She is no longer poor.
I'd like a round of applause for the judges this season. I would like to congratulate you, girls. You really made the right decision by not being locked in the same Werkroom as La Cucaracha for a whole month.
Mesothelioma, let me tell you that you have a unique mermaid voice. You remind me the mermaids in Harry Potter, you know? The ones that screech when Harry opens the egg.
Crystal, my sister from another mister. It makes me a little sad to read you, you know, because of your little problem. Don't worry, I'm sure it has a cure, it's called "Stop trying to make Zwooper happen".
Mustard is so dumb that she can't tell the difference between an iPhone X and "I phoned my ex." Anyway, she's such a sweetheart. Her heart is like her ass, there's room for everyone.
How could I begin to describe Bella Black? She is so dark, so deep. So mysterious. When her sleep paralysis demon visits her, he is the one having nightmares. Thanks to Bella, her therapist now has to go to a therapist.
Now, it's time to tackle the big deal:
Catalina is a combination of the two things I like most in a man: A great talent and ghosting me on the second day.
I think we all knew what the fateful outcome would be when she could have chosen to be Fatty and she thought it best not to. She is like an oracle with two giant tits and a lot of alcohol on top, the oracle of Delta Phi Nu.
My favorite thing about Catalina is that I know that when she's in a season, I don't have to worry about being an eatly out. She is like Amanduhh, but volunteer. The difference is that Amanduhh at least has all the teeth.
I think the main problem with her is that she misunderstood the spirit of the show. She dismissed the "Drag" part but took the "Race" part very seriously.
No one ever told her that in this case the winner is the one who comes out last? Maybe she thinks she won every season she was in. I imagine her saying, "These idiots aren't hot on my heels" as she runs toward the border.
Imagine all the reality shows Catalina could succeed in: The amazing race, Wipeout, Ninja Warrior. If I meet her in any of those competitions, I would be the one to quit, there are no obstacles to stop her.
The show she would lose, tho, would be Fear Factor. Imagine her ultimate challenge: staying on a set two hours straight. Terrifying.
If I noticed something preparing this roast, it's that I know much less about Catalina than I thought. I don't even know if I recognize her from the look on her face, but one thing's for sure: I've seen her walk away so many times that I can do a sculpture of her ass without looking at references.
I would also like to say more about her personality, but with the little airtime she gets it's very difficult. Jinkx Monsoon appeared more on screen sleeping than Catalina awake.
I dream of a day when Catalina can represent the ultra-right parties in the elections: Second day of the campaign and she has already resigned. It really is a win-win situation.
And that's it!
Remember, my name is Avra K. Davra and if you guys don't like my act, we can always talk about it in the parking lot, just let me take the wig off!
