[time starts now]

Ruby Velvet— Catalina Roast.

*fumbles with mic, dropping it with a loud crash*

Ruby: Shit. At least I haven’t quit yet. Im still here. Yes? Give it up for resilience.

*crickets*

Ruby: Oh. This roast is for Catalina. For a moment I forgot who that was.

In all seriousness, Catalina is an icon. Or… Fatty, or whoever the hell she was on Season 7, I’ve lost count by now.

Going all the way back to Season 4, Catalina, or Fatty McFatFace with the Good Snacks, lit this race on fire. I (and Holden) were her runner ups, so I would know. Catalina, you’re welcome. Talian was already writing up the contract that Enobaria was to be the first and only two time winner, so what I was doing on Season 4… I don’t know. Oh, right. I was sucking Tom Daleys dick, on my time off of Talians, in hopes to become the first two time winner of this series. Didn’t work out for me… but no complaints.

*licks lips*

Ruby: Fatty wins, and we go onto Season 5. Bella Blacks coronation, and Catalina’s debut. Sis, I owe you an apology. What I was doing as a judge that season… I don’t know. What Kisa ever did to earn the win in her Season? I don’t know. Without question, you should have won. Won the right to be Zsa Zsa Teas runner up.

I’ve known Catalina for quite some time, and she really is a lovely queen. I have worked alongside her, against her, and the experience was.. unforgettable! I’m still on Lorazepam to do this day.

No queen can write lyrics and produce them quite like Catalina can. Working with her in All Stars was inspiring. It inspired me to pack my bags and quit the competition.

Something Catalina knows a little bit too much about.

Honestly, All Winners isn’t quite the same without her. A seasoned queen, one who knows her way around a runway and a main challenge— happy 100th birthday Catalina. You’ll be missed.

💿🤷🏻‍♂️❤️

Ruby Velvet— Runway

https://imgur.com/a/AZbJqb9

CF: Today I am going back to my roots in some Alexander McQueen couture, stylized by yours truly. I am giving you political drag that seeks to please nobodies standards but my own— I am beautiful, fearless and horrifying—  all in one.

What can I say? I'm a bleeding heart liberal.

Talianna Thee Icon - Runway

CF: No ravens, crows or blackbirds were harmed in the making of this outfit. My feathers may be faux but my tears at my old husband's funeral while I'm wearing this outfit are... also faux.

Anita Nap - Performance

When I was told we were going to be roasting Catalina, I was very unsure at first, but if any queen was deserved to be cooked and ate by Twinkies it certainly is her.

But first let’s meet all our amazing guests tonight!

*Looks over to where the queens are sitting and makes a ooph noise*

Look at them all, the dictionary definition of ‘mutton dressed as lamb’.

I find it ironic that I’m the only non-winner here but some of these girls look like the only thing they can win is the greased pig race at the county fair.

I kid…I kid…these are my sisters and they are iconic...

Take Plai Station for example, a legend in my eyes, shame that her fashion is much like the PS5 she is named after…you can’t find it anywhere.

Then you have La Cucaracha, a queen that has really cracked the code but honestly if she was anymore pressed she would be a panini.

Thank you to Zsa Zsa for educating the children about the legend that is Zsa Zsa Gabor but hunny you didn’t have to take it so far and permanently look like you’ve spent 3 days in jail for slapping a cop.

But the disappointment doesn’t just stop there, we have Miss Tamar as a judge this year. Hey Tamar! Gurl I always feel a little guilty that I took your spot as the wild card…but then I remember your performances from the previous two seasons, and I don’t feel so bad anymore.

And then we have their counterpart Rita Bitch running bootleg opinions. That’s a very appropriate title if you ask me, as their drag does look like it has broken several laws and could be sold out of a car's trunk.

And finally, we have my mother, Twinkies. Much like the snack she is full of fat and a white sticky substance and I ain’t talking about cream.

But the time has come to roast the star of our show…Miss Catalina.

Catalina has quit more times than I’ve been booted on fashion photo review.
Catalina has quit more times than Ruby Velvet has bottomed in and out of this competition.
Catalina has quit more times than Talianna Thee Icon has been safe.

In all seriousness though I want to celebrate he icon that is Catalina. I just want to congratulate you on proving that when you don’t think someone could disappoint you any further, they find a new way to fuck up and sink even lower....
...although having said that you haven't sunk as low as your saggy breasts yet.

Now I’m going to go and sit down and I’m looking forward to hearing all the jokes about how I haven’t won a season yet.

Week 2 - Look
https://imgur.com/a/SwwkTeD

Voiceover: I feel rich here! I feel like I have stepped off the runway and onto the streets down the Champs-Élysées. I may be a vegan but this giraffe skin is really giving me everything I need right now and the hoof heals are just the icing on the cake.

Hi, I'm Eden Gardens and before y'all bitches say it, im the old fat, but not quite as fat as i was, queen.

Now that's out of the way..

All winners, omg who'd gave thought it? Before i move on to the roast i just want to say Anita Nap is the real winner here. I see her with all of these legends and she reminds of that one person who gets given the password to netflix and Disney+ whilst the rest of us pay the bills!

All credit to Anita though, she's exceeding my expectations, unlike Catalina who walked away exactly as i expected!

I do feel bad for Catalina, in a season of all winners, its so important to stand out and the minute Mustard wasn't in the cast, Catalina was almost guaranteed to be the thirstiest queen of the season until La Cucu's desperate plea for a win last week!

Now...we all know Talian loves a good stroke of his ego and clearly thanks to Talian, La Cucu has been doing some stroking of his own!

Its great to see Crystal here, at least half of her! As much as im thrilled to have her around, i'm relieved she isn't competing...she'd be a big threat for best shoes this week...

I love a compact queen and your small stature probably explains how you're the only queen to be able to fit alongside Enobaria on Talians dick.

but even half bodied queen self-advertised as "clear" is more visible that Analiese has ever been in this race, i think Talian just likes to believe his show is sponsored by Instagram. But the way Catalina pops up for 15 seconds and then vanishes, its feels more like it should be Snapchat.

I'm also devastated that none of the Monroe family are here, they are such a gifted family of copy and pasters. Probably most sad of all is that we will miss out on the spring/summer collection of Pinterest.

Rita Bitch is really showing her true value this season; her fashion taste is exceptional, her sass is top quality, and she still has absolutely no chance of winning.

Catalina however had such a good chance of winning and im sure she would have stuck around until the end had she been top each week, received absolutely no criticism, didn't leak any nudes and remembered there's more to a runway than huge breasts.

They do say, if you've got it, flaunt it and flaunt it she has; Catalina and her split personalities have shown off their assets in just about every available bra and panties set available on the market; even the second hand one she wore on the way in here.

Im not sure if anyone remembers but Catalina used to host her own show and all 2 episodes were amazing and i have to give her credit for sticking with that one for so long! 

Catalina i really hope you're doing ok though and ill see you next season; ive got you down to compete in episodes 1, 2, 5 and 6, i hope that's ok?

Until next time, and the time after that, and...the time after that.

CF: Tonight on the runway i am giving you bitch that survived the apocalypse in the arctic. She's formed her own tribe as you can see by the emblem carved of whale bone and her mighty weapon. She hasn't just fucked PETA, she's fucked the whales, elks, foxes, wolves, leopards and even the seals (lock at that fur purse ;)). Don't ask how i survived...look at me, it's obvious.

Talianna Thee Icon - Roast

*walks out onto the stage and waves to everyone*

Hello everyone! How are we doing tonight? My name is Talianna and, before you ask, yes... I'm already three shots in tonight. Why? Because tonight we will be roasting someone who has actually managed to walk out of my life more times than my dad, which I would say is fuckin commendable! So, without further adieu, everyone put your hands together for... CATALINA!

*The curtains open to reveal... nobody*

Goddammit... did we lose her again? *looks around* Can someone on production please fucking locate her? *Listens to earpiece* What do you mean you can't find her? Did you check Mac's Skype DMs? Ever since he did that striptease lipsync thing Catalina has been OBSESSED! *Listens to earpiece again* Hm... she wasn't there either... I think we might have to fear the worst. She's moved on to Jerry.

I guess it makes sense, doesn't it? A twink with an IQ of negative four. Exactly her type. Someone just find Jerry and get him into the witness protection house before Catalina "accidentally" sends a cheeky pic in his DMs.

Anyways girls, now that we're here, we might as well continue with this roast, ammirite? *looks at notes* Well, tonight I was actually planning to revolve my roast around Catalina's, how do you say, "riveting" storylines. She won a season, slay! She then proceeded to quit every season other than that. And then when she finally decided to stick through All Stars 2... I eliminated her in 6th. To save turkeylover of all people. Oops. *bites nail*

And let me tell you something, this bitch quitting doesn't apply only to Talian's Drag Race. She's also quit from every single fucking spinoff so far too. I think she quit one single season of Mac's Drag Race twice. That's like double the number of people who quit Season 9. Somebody give that ho an award at this point.

And let's not forget the time when - *listens to earpiece* Dammit... I forgot. I'm supposed to roast the other "judges" too. And I use that term loosely. I swear those people just skim through our submissions and then vote based on their general emotional state on that day. I mean, just look at this lineup.

We have Rita Bitch; the chronic rage quitter, Analiese; the judge who never shows up, Bella Black; the one who made an all-winners alliance with me and then... declined the call and lastly Mesothelioma; the all-stars 2 quitter. No wonder they always let Catalina make it so far, they can relate to her!

But seriously, I'm gonna get super deep here. At the end of the day, I wanna commend Catalina for being one of the biggest team players out there and the judges for being a fair group. At the end of the day, you guys are my besti- *listens to earpiece* Oh, we found Catalina. She was just getting her boobs done... again. God help us all.

Plai Statión Roast

*walks onto the stage and waves to everyone*

Top of the morning to you everyone. My name is Plai Statión, the winner of season 2 of Talian's and the Where's Wally of the drag race community.

Now where here to talk about someone large, in charge and dominant. But that's enough about my sex life, let's talk Catalina, the only woman I know to answer yes to every question asked to her at a hot dog stand.

All jokes aside, she really have given us some really iconic moments...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Well, I can't think of what they are but there's something there.

It's such a shame that when she came back she went from being the biggest winner to the biggest loser after only placing 7th, still at least she beat out icons of the show like Charlize Angel and London Lipton Tea!

*Cricket chirps*

Yeah, there's a reason Zsa Zsa won that season...

But going back to season 4, let's not kid ourselves, the only reason she ended up winning that season was because Talian wanted to crown a queen just as old as she was but not quite as pretty so she'd feel better.

Anyway, I hope you all enjoy the rest of the show, I'm off to wash my mouth after having to talk about Catalina.
Good night everyone!

Plai Statión Look

https://ibb.co/pfyBzfP (Please excuse the potato quality)

For this runway look I've decided to become the queen cobra! I'm looking gorgeous in my snakeskin dress and added my own little bit of extravagance with a huge headpiece that looks like the hood of a king cobra! When it comes to this runway, I'm feeling venomous!

MAXI CHALLENGE

Hello hello I’m Zsa Zsa Tea the greatest queen to ever walk the runway in copy and paste drag and welcome to the roast of the beloved and endowed (yes you all remember the picture in which only Mac got to see ugh so jealous!) Catalina!

Now when I think of Catalina I think of her runways I mean you can tell Catalina always put so much thought into them. That’s why if she hasn’t quit the season she’ll walk out onto the runway in half an outfit.

Speaking of half an outfit and half a crown hey Crystal Clear! You were just amazing on your season, you really had no downfall. No seriously it was impossible for you to have a downfall considering you have no legs.

Did someone say legsssssss, well my gal Eleanor has PLENTY of them. I mean she could twirl she could split and she could dip. Or I suppose death drop as the drag race gays like to call it. She is THE queen of death dropping…especially after that scandal where her career dropped dead!

I feel it’s only appropriate to move onto the lovely Tamar Indo! Who we can agree we all want to drop dead! Tamar I never realised how short of a queen you are until I saw a photo of you. I genuinely can’t think of anything shorter than you other than your time in all winners if we had eliminations. I’m kidding, I’m kidding, you’d absolutely slay. A season of all losers!

Talking of things short, La Cucaracha’s temper is up there! Don’t worry bestie I’m not gonna read you tonight because we have a reading mini challenge for that later in the season! That’s if you don’t lose points in the coming weeks and quit from the riggory of Talian’s decisions.

Talian I must say I have thought you’ve rigged at times especially in season 10 with Jakob Scene! I’m sorry I’m still not over those 2 back to back wins (which is more than Tamar’s ever got in this series).

Rita Bitch I’m so happy your hosting Bootleg Opinions this season! I can’t think of anyone better to host it than you, the queen that robbed me of my rightful prize of top toot award! For someone who’s competed so much I’m surprised you’ve never snatched the crown. I can’t imagine how heartbreaking it must be to be a runner-up so…many…times and even back to back seasons…*begins tearing up and remembers being a runner-up 3 times and 2 times back to back*

Mama Twinkies! I’m so happy you were able to give Catalina the spotlight she deserves for this roast! We all talk about how much Catalina quits races but she actually has one of the best track records in Talian’s drag race herstory…and then she quit so Mesothelioma could win…are we surprised? Twinkies the only bad thing I have to say about your series is the winners and I’m talking about Bella Black…Mesothelioma…Eleanor Avon Pour…Catalina…oh wait she isn’t even a winner but you’ll notice one thing I’m common with them all. Where are they now??? Your telling me they got the crown when dylangover and Ajathekween are right there?!?! I don’t think!

This has been Zsa Zara Tea, thank you for staying awake and if you did fall to sleep then imagine I never submitted for this maxi challenge so call me Ruby Velvet! Goodnight!

Runway:


CF: I chose to go with feathers because I feel like they can be used to make a beautiful garment and that’s exactly what I did tonight!

CF: I think I'm feeling quite confident tonight but you can never really tell!

Good evening and welcome to the roast of Catalina! This is Talian’s Drag Race Mostly Winners, and I am your roast master, La Cucaracha, and I am here to make girls cry.

You know, they say you only roast the ones you love, so this is gonna be short. Up first, it’s the old hags – I mean, the judges and legends.

Please give it up for the sole reason Trump wanted to build a wall around Mexico… it’s Tamar Indo!

The forgettable Mustard Monroe was not invited tonight but I still wanted to mention her as one of my inspirations! She is everything I did not want to be as a drag artist.

Analiese, I heard you were worried about me reading you tonight, but I only roast legends, so you’re off the hook!

Who else is here, who else is here. Oh, there’s Crystal Clear. Speaking of which, Unfortunately, Crystal Clear couldn’t be on this season because Talian was casting for real winners and Crystal barely qualifies as one.

Here we also have Eleanor Von Pour, who, might I say, is looking very poor today. When I tried to Google who Eleanor is, it said “uhhhh ask Yahoo”. 

Rita Bitch couldn’t be here tonight. Well, she was supposed to be, but she canceled when she found out that this was a roast. She thought it was going be a barbecue! 

And now, my fellow queens!

Hi Avra K. Davra! I’ve been trying to understand why you chose this as your drag name and I think I finally get it! You put out a mediocre performance and then AvraKaDavra, you magically end up winning the week anyways! You butchered so many verses in your song last week, I was surprised you didn’t perform it in Lady Gaga’s meat dress.

Zsa Zsa Tea, my bestie, started her song last week saying “I don’t wanna be a winner” and baby, I’m here to tell you don’t worry, you won’t be.

Speaking of British assholes, Eden Gardens is here tonight. Eden … if you were a spice girl, you’d be salty spice.

And now onto Talian’s favorite charity, Anita Nap! But listen I’m not gonna keep making fun of Anita Nap because if she’s willing to bust her own face like that, imagine what she would do to mine. 

Talianna Thee Struggling, my favorite punching bag in roast challenges, is here tonight … but only because it’s a non-elimination season. I mean, imagine her as a first boot! … Actually, no need to imagine, just watch season 9.

Anyways, Talianna, I would continue reading you, but I’m starting to get dizzy. My eye-sight gets a little wonky when I’m looking at the rock-bottom.

And speaking of bottoms, Ruby Velvet is here tonight, or as we like to call her, next week’s Catalina. Ruby, what happened to you this round? How can someone go from leader of the pack, front runner star to being almost booted the next week? Maybe we should ask Jakob Scene. 

And honestly what is up with all of Talian’s early front-runners crashing and burning half way through the season? Al’lure, Jakob Scene, Justine Time, and the list goes on! Last week Talian was so scared to curse any of the talented queens with a week 0 win that he almost gave it to Plai Station! 

Mother, you didn’t think I’d forget you, did you? Are you having a great time tonight, Talian? Well, tell your facelift.   

But no in all seriousness, Talian, I love your look, I didn’t know you shopped at Forever 41!

Talian claims to have went ALL OUT for this All Winners season, but I’ve seen hostage videos with a bigger budget.

It also makes sense for Talian to choose “Fuck Peta” as a runway category this week. We all know he doesn’t care about animal rights since he’s been torturing his own pussy for years.

And now, to the main event! Judges, queens, enablers, it’s time to roast the monster you all created! Everybody, please put your hand together and pretend that you care about Catalina!

I feel bad reading Catalina because I feel like I’m roasting a disaster! Catalina’s meltdown over the past few seasons has been so catastrophic that Greta Thunberg is protesting about it!

Does anyone remember back in the finale of All Stars 3, when Catalina’s alter-ego Judas threatened that he is going to “whoop everyone’s ass on that finale stage!!! Trust it. Believe it. Pray to it!!!”. I believed it!  But… three bottoms twos and 2 eliminations later, Catalina, and I’m starting to lose faith.

But let’s talk about some of Catalina’s favorite things.

Her favorite movie is Harry Potter because she loves to watch the Hogwarts students play Quidditch, or as she likes to call it, Quit-itch.

Her favorite body part are her eyebrows, because she considers them a metaphor for her drag race career: they start out strong but then they retire early.

Catalina may love singing, but her favorite maxi challenge is quitting.

As for her favorite phrase, it’s “I’m ready to jump. If you stay ready, you don’t have to get ready”, and well, Catalina, the next time I see you on a cast, you won’t have to jump because I’m personally going to push you off.

I will say, it gets hard to keep coming with new material when I’ve been dragging this same bitch for months now. But you know what doesn’t get hard? My dick, every time I see Catalina on the runway.

Catalina’s drag is sure unique, though. When I look at her, I see boobs, I see lips, and I see a waist…. of time.

But anyways, this has lasted longer than Catalina’s drag career, and we all have more important things to talk about.

Good night everybody!

Runway: https://imgur.com/a/xAU92g2

CF: Serving you rich bitch wearing my fur and my feather and making sure that PETA's headquarters cry their eyes out at the sight of this!

CF: Don't go in too hard on your fellow queens. *Attacks them all*. Where are the jokes?! Maybe they left with Catalina?

CF: This was less of a roast, more of a sous vide.