if you are familiar with this place called my tengaged blog, then you know that every once in awhile i find myself typing up a hashtag serious blog about where i am at mentally and what i am struggling with. basically, this is that. so if ya don't want too much info about my silly little head then i would stop reading now.
also TW for discussion of body image and suicide and likely some other stuff
//QUARANTINE//
ok so i believe i had to reference this in past blogs but there was a point last year when we first hit lockdown that i found myself at my absolute lowest point. i found myself laying in my room and not talking to anybody and legit having my parents go days without even seeing me. i did not really contemplate suicide during this time because i was not really alive. i was in limbo. i existed at the most minimal state that one can be without being in a coma or something. i have made progress and i have grown since but how i was during this time certainly sticks with me.
//BIRTHDAYS//
this kind of ties into both my 20th birthday (which happened pre-quarantine) and my most recent birthday. my birthday is in february and i feel very weird when it comes because of my birth mom and kind of how i really do find myself blaming myself for, as the first born, being the direct cause of her post partum depression. on my 20th, i found myself very set on the idea of not existing anymore. i did not go through with eve an attempt but i found myself constantly hitting myself and picking at my hair (trichotillomania).
//GRIEF//
a maternal figure of mine was hospitalized and passed away shortly after. she was only 51. it devastated me. she was someone who supported my art and who put clothes on my back when all of my clothes were worn out. she fed me when my family had nothing left. i spent many thanksgivings with them because my house does not always have enough to eat. when she was in the hospital i found myself staying up for days at a time. sometimes i would just be laying and listening to music she introduced me to. sometimes i would be writing and recording poems for her. the poem below was written and record on some such night between 4-5 am.
//MARCH//
this past march, primarily the beginning, kicked my ass. those that are close to me know the series of events that kind of sent spiraling at the top of march. i made some mistakes and looked like an ass and found myself once again with thoughts of just not being around anymore. there is this bridge within walking distance of a family-owned café that i like and there are railroad tracks down below. this bridge became something i was somewhat fixated on.
//DREAD//
i do not feel as if i am going to live to see 30. i just absolutely cannot imagine it. through exam stress and summer stress, i found myself once again fixated on the bridge. my stutter was also particularly bad for about a week or two. i was also kind of ghosted by someone who claimed to care about me and seemed to really like me and all that jazz. i was just not having the best of times.
//PROGRESS//
i am much better at the moment and that is what i want the takeaway for this blog to be. i am going into this summer with two jobs i really love and i am taking summer classes as well. i am getting ready to host S2 of an ORG with my amazing prod team. i am someone who is deeply insecure about my body but i bought a TANKTOP the other day to wear during summer. i hate my scrawniness but i am trying to get over that and just love myself for who i am. comparisons will fucking kill me if i let them. none of this is easy. i am trying to see myself as someone who deserving of good things. below is a poem i wrote somewhat recently which serves as a series of affirmations. i hope that it helps you :)
"GOOD THINGS": an original poem
Repeat after me:
I am someone who deserves good things.
You deserve the patience that you afford others,
You deserve to have unproductive, restful days.
You deserve that cup of coffee or tea or water,
You deserve that stop at your favorite local café.
You deserve to be loved as much as you love,
You deserve forgiveness and grace and mercy.
You deserve to feel secure in what you are doing,
You deserve for your dreams to be understood.
You are someone deserving of good things.
//AFTER//
i am around if anyone needs someone to listen and maybe struggles with some of these same things. i am open because i know that it is hard to be this open about these things.
i get it