I have written a few of these style of blogs just to kind of get what I have on my mind off and maybe someone on this horrid website will be able to find something of value in these ramblings that can help them with whatever they are processing.
Yesterday in my Social Problems class we discussed stress and ways in which we can, on an individual level, destress ourselves. One of these ways that always stands out to me is "reward yourself." I do see value in that and I understand that rewarding oneself is an extremely important part of self-care. But I have always struggled with it.
Some of the last things I remember rewarding myself with recently include books, coffee beans, and a brand new Hawaiian shirt. But for most of these, it took a lot of doubt to get myself to even spend the money. And most of these weren't very pricey. An 11 bucks bag of beans? A 7 buck button up shirt? I spent a little over a 100 bucks on a book set over the summer so I had a full series. All of these purchases did make me feel good but also I dealt with a lot of buyer's regret or something similar. And sometimes those feelings will have me pick an item in a store, walk around with it for 30 minutes, and then return it to where I found it. By that point, I have talked myself out of it.
On one hand, I struggle to believe that I am of value and that I am a person that deserves good things. Whether those good things are literal things like books and clothes or those good things are friendships and opportunities, I do not believe myself to be deserving of them. It is very difficult for me to recognize my good traits or even believe that there are any to begin with. I have accomplished a lot but I just cannot bring myself to acknowledge or reward myself for all I have done.
There is definitely a financial dimension to this. Growing up, I was shielded from the reality of our financial situation. My dad, who was unable to work due to epilepsy and a back injury, borrowed money and worked odd jobs as a mechanic to make sure that we had everything we needed. It was not until later that I was old enough to realize just how dire our situation was. Our trailer was rickety. Our Christmases were funded by Fingerhut (a website that allows one to make monthly payments on items), resulting in some presents not even being fully paid for by the next Christmas season. As we grew older, some of our government assistance shrunk. Nowadays, I typically each 1 meal a day (sometimes 2). When I try and sleep and feel hunger setting in, I will eat a slice of white bread to kind of fill myself up enough to sleep.
Growing up and actively living like that does have a very profound effect on one's overall mental health, as well as their general self-image. So this is the hole I find myself constantly stuck in. I have never known what it is like to have enough money for all that I need, so purchasing myself things I want to reward myself seems so wrong.
Hopefully I am able to fix this or rewire my way of thinking or something, because I am very acutely aware that this is absolutely not healthy. I shouldn't beat myself up for taking care of myself, yet I do.
