I think I’ve finally reached my all time low.
my personality has been poisoned by a narcissist
Abused, raped, I have become this person I once hated in others,
When I’m in a room full of people I’m alone.
I know I have someone who truely wants to best for me
But to dump my feelings on someone isn’t okay.
Pay for a therapist why? So I sit and lie and validate the only thing my brain has been programmed to understand.
I feel alone. Stuck in a world that doesn’t need me but I could never leave on my own will. No I’m a pussy.
What have I done with my life ? A lot but that’s invalidated because I’m not where I wanted to be at the age of 16. To me thats defeat. Failure.
to eat more than what you burn off in a day. A failure.
But I feel everything stopping me from lifting weights, from exercise.
to feel like I’m just a space in this world full of opportunity to see a glass empty instead of full, I wish I could.
Be to opptimistic on the outside but to be sad on the inside.
Feeling like a burden or that no one cares if I say im sad. So I just say I’m okay.
To feel like everyone around you is fake just to put up with you. That’s real.
Shall I bottle up my feelings with liquor just to force myself to throw it up? Idk.
To smoke a cigarette to give me life ending cancer. No.
To give my life to substance to hallucinate to feel ok. No.
To simply exist in a world where in the end nothing matters. Yes.
To sit here and fight the little stomach fat I have due to gay hookup culture and realize no one will accept me.
To be embarassed by this post. Yes. just ignore this.
To sit here and have a platform to just rant. helps maybe a percent.
I’m okay.
And ik you're down on yourself rn but I don't think you're any of those bad things. And honestly I could see you having a future in writing bc it's really emotionally profound
