A man rushed into the veterinarian's office carrying his dog, thoroughly distraught. The vet examined the dog's still, limp body and sadly informed the man that his dog was dead.
Saddened at the loss of his best friend, the man asked the doctor if he could please try one last time to revive the dog.
The doctor went into another room and returned with a cat in a wire cage. He set the cage on the examining table and opened the sliding door.
The cat got up, stretched, stepped out of the cage and slowly walked around the dog from head to tail sniffing the body. When it was finished, it looked up at the veterinarian with a "meow", walked back into the cage and went back to sleep.
The vet looked at the man and said in his best bedside manner, "I'm sorry, but there is nothing I can do."
Resigned, the man signed and said, "Thanks for trying. How much do I owe you?"
"Three-hundred fifty dollars," the doctor replied.
"Thr . . . thr . . .three-hundred fif-fif-fifty bucks to tell me my dog is dead!" the man stammered.
"Well, it was only $50 for the office visit. The other $300 is for the CAT scan."
A man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the man cuts a fart. His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?"
The man says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead, seven to nothing."
A few minutes later the wife lets one loose. The man says to her, "What was that?"
She replies, "Touchdown, tie score."
The man lays there for about ten minutes trying to work another one up. He tries so hard that he craps all over the bed.
The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?" He replies, "Half time. Switch sides."
A pissed off wife was complaining about her husband spending all his time at the bar, so one night he took her along.
"What'll ya have?" he asked.
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.
So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one go. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.
"Yuck, it's nasty poison!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
One day two drinking buddies, Jim and Dave, were working on aircraft at JFK airport in NYC. They got fogged in and finished up their work early and were sitting around bored.
Jim spoke up, "Man I really need a drink!"
"You know I heard a rumor you could drink jet fuel and get drunk." Dave said.
"Really?" said Jim.
"That's what I heard. Wanna try it?"
"Sure, hell I'll try anything once!"
So with that they poured themselves a couple of glasses and began drinking the jet fuel. They sipped a little bit to find it actually tasted quiet good. So they drank more and more and sure enough they got stoned drunk. The next morning Jim awoke feeling like a million bucks he jumped up wet to the bathroom feeling great like he was floating on air he hadn't felt this good in years. "Wow!" He said.
About that time Jim's telephone rang... "Hello?"
"Hello Jim, this is Dave. How are you feeling this morning?"
"Man I feel great, no hang over, no sick, I feel like a million bucks. How about you?"
"Me too, but I have one question for you."
"Sure, what is it"
"Have you farted yet?"
"Ummmmm No. Why?"
"DON'T. I'm in Phoenix!"
