I present to you, the 80s show for housewives who drink their pain away, their husband will love them again some day, The Crack Your Back Show! (Title is a joke on crack and cracking your back, the housewives do crack and crack their backs cheating on their husbands)

A really psychotic and darker comedy, since that's the stereotype for housewise in those times, getting high and drunk as they were going insane, at least our show is for them.

(Title: The Crack Your Back Show

Karen Smith: Crystal

Marsha Wallace: Aishah

Katherine Johnson: Baylor

Isabella “Bella” Turner: Amanduh )

==The Crack Your Back (͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) Show==

*The staging is that similar to The View, however dressed up in 1980 floral patterns, and black and white pictures of family throughout the studio, the three ladies are dressed in 1980s attire, and behaving very prim and proper, while Bella is in modern gear and is looking confused.*

Karen: Hello my name is Karen Smith, the leader of this beautiful discussion panel regarding delightful topics of everyday life, and perhaps some scandalous gossip about our local celebrities

Katherine: Karen darling, you aren’t the leader, we all are working together in being one unit for this "show"

Karen: Yes Katherine but I know that I have the most qualifications here than everyone, I mean I don’t see your petunias growing past a tenth of an inch past 10.

Katherine: Oh Karen it’s always about some sort of flower, the only plant I grow is the infamous devil's lettuce and we know you're jealous of that, anyways my name is Katherine Johnson, and I’m the head baker, and the lead source of information to show you where to get the latest coupons for your local kid snacks, the snacks do have to be picked out at a secret location and make sure you're not followed. *wink*

Marsha: And I’m Marsha Wallace, I bring the world news, and I brewed the tea that we are drinking this beautiful morning, made from the unborn baby that was pulled right out of my uterus, haha! How about our last member introduces herself?

Bella: Wait where am I? How did I get here? Are these the Grammys where Billie Eilish won way too many awards?

Karen: Oh Isabelle darling, you must have memory issues today, well that is okay we can continue the show.

Bella: First off my name is Bella is why is everything the 1980s? What the actual fu-

*The camera zooms in on Karen cutting Bella off from cursing on this good christian TV show*

Karen: Before anything else happens, let's wake you up with a song! Here comes Taylor Swift!

*Taylor enters the stage looking depressed and sad writing a song about an ex.*

Taylor: ALL MEN DO IS FUCKING LIE AND CHEAT I HATE THEM THEY HURT ME WHY ARE THEY ALL SO TRASH! * breaksdown and is carried away by security*

Katherine: Now, you viewers can relate, right? I know you housewives can! *serious face* Put some rat poision in their meal tonight and make your heart ache less. Enough with music though, the only music we know is the sound of the sextape we found of him with his mistress, haha! Take it away Karen!

Karen: Now our first segment that I will be presenting today is celebrity gossip, and ladies I have some quite concerning information here today. I heard that Don Johnson is actually having homosexual relations with one of his co-stars.

*The audience gasps*

Marsha: Oh my god how upsetting!

Katherine: I honestly cannot believe this, he was such a handsome fellow as well, oh the humanity.

Bella: Who’s Don Johnson…

*security brings a tied up crying Don Johnson who is wearing underwear with Talian's face on it, with letters that read "Help"*

Katherine: Well he only played the most fit cop on Miami Vice, of course!

Don Johnson: P-please let me go I haven't done anything!

Marsha: It’s a real shame, in fact criminal that he’s a homosexual, such a sinner.

Bella: Since when being gay is bad? Why is he tied up, plus, why is Phila Machunt's husband on his underwear.

Karen: Since always Bella, the gays steal souls and men from loose tittied women like me and it's gross, I will not have a homosexual actor corrupt the minds of my children, who are already traumatized enough after seeing the winner of Mac's Drag Race S3 , someone should fire him and hire that dreamy William Seed to replace him, as I am in absolute love with him.

Marsha: Oh indeed he is so dreamy!

Karen: Back off of him Marsha or else I would tell the whole studio audience about your little secret!

Marsha: But…

Karen: It’s not my fault your struggling for money and have to find work elsewhere…

Marsha: Well okay we can come to an agreement, I will not get into your business, and you won’t get into mine.

Karen: As I thought Marsha, you’re a wonderful co-host! Anyways here’s another interesting tid-bit of news, studies have shown through the wonderful power of science has proven that cocaine is actually good for children, and that it helps them focus in schools.

Katherine: Oh that’s wonderful news, I was having issues of little Timmy focusing, and I thought he was broken. I’m glad to see that kids are able to take those drugs peacefully to help them succeed.

Bella: No, no don’t you dare say that, drugs are bad and ruin your life!

Katherine: In fact I actually tried it on him before the show with a couple of doses, let’s bring him out to see how he’s doing!

Bella: You did not just give drugs to a kid… what is wrong with you women?

*Little Timmy comes out twitching and foaming at the mouth, the crowd goes wild and cheers for this messed up kid.

Marsha: Oh look at little Timmy, Katherine you’re doing a great job at parenting! He looks so happy, like he just left a Coachella after party.

Bella: ARE YOU KIDDING ME? HE’S GOING TO DIE!

Katherine: Die of happiness I know! Thank you for your support Isabelle, it's tough when your kids aren't happy, you're a houesewife... your husban is cheating on you WITH THE GARDENER RODRIGO! *rips her paper in anger*

Bella: IT’S BELLA, WHAT THE FUCK IS WR-

Karen: Anyways onto our next seg-

Cameraman: Uh Marsha

Marsha: Oh yes?

Cameraman: You might want to come here for a minute

*Marsha walks over to the camera and after 10 seconds, looks shocked. Marsha walks back over to her place and starts to tear up*

Marsha: *wipes tears with hanky* It-it-it is shocking news to announce that...that the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Place has melted down!

*Live studio audience is stunned*

Marsha: *nods* My husband is a soldier working security over there, he apparently provides amazing service for the other soldiers and makes them "eat this cake" ...and I am very worried for him...*looks over at the cameraman and walks off*

*Marsha is backstage*

Marsha: *can be heard from the audience loudly* YES! YES YES YES YES YES! WOOHOO! LIFE, LIBERTY, AND PROPERTY, BABY! ALL MINE! ALL THE MONEY, ALL THE-

*Marsha looks out at the audience staring in disbelief*

Marsha: Ahem excuse me I need to make some more tea…

*Marsha leaves for now*

Bella: Is it too late to tell her that the power plant has already melted down?

Katherine: Oh Isabelle do not be insensitive, maybe if you weren't so sober you would understand her!

Karen: Katherine I think it’s time to do a cooking segment while we wait for Marsha’s new pot of tea!

Katherine: Well that is quite a grand idea Karen! Let me get on that!

*The scene shifts to Katherine at a kitchen preparing food, with Bella helping her*

Katherine: Alright well I think it’s time for us to make a family classic, my homemade sloppy joes, and I am NOT talking about my neighbour Joe who is there when my husband isn't..

Bella: THAT… doesn’t sound that bad.

Katherine: The secret ingredient is the blood of Karen’s enemies

Bella: EXCUSE ME WHAT?

Katherine: Oh I’m just joking Isabelle, I guess you lost your sense of humor with your memory! The true secret ingredient is really thick meat. *Phila MacHunt is shown in the audience smiling (͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)*

Bella: Heh is it thicc with two c’s or three?

Katherine: Seriously Isabelle have you gone illiterate too, you're almost like Baylor now! ?

Bella: I was-

Katherine: Thick only has one c, oh we may have to inject you with some heroin a little later that may help you out a bit with your memories.

Bella: Please don’t,I just orderd Kylie's new lipkit and-

Katherine: Then behave gosh darnit, don't make me cut you.

*The audience gasps*

Katherine: Oh my apologies, I didn’t mean to swear I was just getting a little bit worked up, let’s get to the cooking.

*Katherine and Bella begin making sloppy joes together, however Katherine keeps hitting Bella with a wooden spoon if she doesn’t do something right, or if she tries to taste the food because she’s eating without praying, she also pulls a knife on her but the cameras cut off when she does. Katherine is seen trying to sneak some weed into the food but Bella stops her*

Katherine: And we are done, sadly it isn't perfect but it will do if you're named Bertha. Bella would you like to say grace or shall I?

Bella: *Rubbing her bruises from the spoon* You can go ahead, just don't give me head *looks at Katherine's british looking teeth* don't wanna feel those teeth.

Phila and Sassy : Okay that's fucked up.

*Katherine clasps her hands and closes her eyes, while the audience does as well. Katherine side glances Bella and Bella quickly does it as well afraid of her spoon*

Katherine: Dear God, thank you for these delicious succulent juicy thick meaty meals, and may we slurp up all the juices, and let’s just savor everything as we put all of this in our bodies, in jesus name we pray AMEN!

*Bella is chuckling at the phrasing Katherine used and she gets smacked with the spoon again. The audience looks annoyed*

Bella: OW HEY! 

Katherine: Anyways that was our cooking segment, our final segment for the show will be Bella giving us some current events! Take it away Bella! Oh and Marsha is back with the tea!

Bella: Yeah great get me away from this spoon wielding psy-

*Katherine raises her spoon ready to hit*

Bella: Wonderful lady!

*The scene shifts to Bella alone in front of a wall*

Bella: Uh what do I say?

Marsha: Oh just give us an update on current events! It’s nothing special Isabelle I’m sure you can come up with something, you're used to cumming up (͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)!

*Ideas start to come to Bella’s mind*

Bella: Uh current events right? I think I have some of those…

Karen: Well take it away then! Unless you want me to steal your husband and make him eat this delicious cake.

*The three older ladies all chuckle at Karen’s joke, but Marsha stops as she realizes what eating that cake means, reference to her husbands statement, and Bella just sighs*

Bella: I don't even have a… You know what here some shocking news! I’m a fucking lesbian!

*The audience gasps*

Bella: There was an african american president called Will Smith.

*Even louder gasps*

Bella: And we’re not in the 1980s you dipshits, we’re in the fucking 21st century and you all need to stop being so delusional because you treat your kids like shit, and that the only drug good for you is marijuana!

*The audience gets to the highest level of gasps, they can get, starts to sound like seaugulls a little *

Marsha: Not the… devil’s lettuce!

*Marsha faints from shock*

Katherine: Oh look what you did to dear Marsha! You made her faint when she was worrying about her husband, you insensitive dyke, get some dick!!

Karen: Security please take this mad woman and deal with her!

*Security grabs Bella*

Bella: Hey what are you doing? NO DON’T TAKE ME, I'M A MANCHESTER GIRL-

Karen: You were asking for this Isabelle, and you crossed the line, don't be an illegal immigrant.

Bella: SOMEONE HELPED I’M BEING KIDNAPPED BY THESE DRUG ADDICTS.

Katherine: Poor Isabelle, so delusioned but we’ll never find someone like her again.

*Bella is taken backstage where a gunshot can be heard*

Karen: Well that does it for another episode of The Crack Your Back Show! I’m your main host! Karen Smith!

Katherine: I’m Katherine Johnson, the person who just grew taller petunias than Karen!

*Karen glares are Katherine, but goes back to the outtro*

Karen: Over there is Marsha Wallace! And next episode we’ll be finding a replacement for our dearly departed Isabelle, so until next time trim that bush and keep it hush housewives!

Enobaria

"Baby, what are you doing? Do you want me to come to your place?"



"Honestly, I'm already in bed, I have to work tomorrow and I'm very tired"

"I didn't shave myself in two weeks" 

...

https://imgur.com/a/n5g7RYO

Mustard’s Nighties look.

ALIEN MORNING SHOW

(Plai’s segment)

V.O.: Good morning, from the Broadcasting Intergalactic Television and Communications Hub! It's Star-t The Day with Plai Statión and Mustard Monroe!

Good morning ladies, gentlemen and other miscellaneous alien life forms! I'm Miss Plai Statión and joining me as always is our very own space queen, Mustard Monroe!

We have an amazing show for you this morning. First I'll be giving you some of the top stories thoughout the multiverse, then old Cheeky Spice herself will be selling you some top notch stuff from our shopping network and then we'll be having Draganian Galaxy renowned chef Holden Richards cooking us a lovely meal of Skiznort!

Now onto today's top stories.

Milky Way politician Donald Trump VI was recently banned from another galaxy after he made a sexually charged remark towards a Uggleckan minister. The disgraced politician whispered to his aid, "I'd love to stick those horns up my ass", not realising that his microphone was on.

In other news, the people of the Sukmeeov Star System had a serious fright when their sun was seemingly eclipsed by a moon that they didn't recognise. Upon further investigation  they eventually discovered that it was actually the ass of a Miss Phila McHunt.

In the world of reality television, Amanduh Holden was eliminated from the Urbhad Galaxy's version of I'm Desperate For Attention. This is the 20th time she has appeared in different versions of the hit reality show and the 19th time she has been the first contestant eliminated, the other time being when she received a bye into the next episode, only to be eliminated after it.

In the world of fashion, Aishah Ali has announced her newest outfit that she is going to be wearing to the 245nd annual Jet Gala. The outfit consists of 300 rubber dildos hot glued to each other in order to create the dress. In an interview with the 150 year old fashion mogul she said, "Fuck it, I'm Aishah Ali."

And finally, in the Ivanafuqya Galaxy, a young Whorbex woman was recently given the galaxy's highest accolade in the Golden Pe'nes for her discovery of 21st century artworks from a database known as Tumblr. The works were recently made to available in around the entire galaxy on the Bing Network after fears that they were lost forever in the Great Google Wars of 2085.

Thats all the top news stories from me, now let's move on to Mustard Monroe! Mustard, what have you got for us today?

*Camera cuts to Mustard Monroe wearing a mustard and tasteful trench coat, but with no visible pants*

Mustard: Good morning aliens! We’ve heard rumours that you *points at the camera* have been looking for subjects to probe! Because you’re aliens, I have to translate:

Bleep blorp Mustard Monroe blorp bleep!

*Puts a finger in between her teeth and grins seductively. Mustard opens up her trenchcoat to reveal matching mustard lacy lingerie*

Mustard: Well *giggles and softens her voice* look no further, on earth we have human males, human females and human’s that are in between or both genders looking for a nice time. Now to translate:

Glorpity bloop Probe me zorp boop!

*Mustard says “Probe me” slow and sensual*

Mustard: It may be the morning for you alien’s, but Timezone wise that’s zink lightyears away! Call $$$-$$$-$$$$ now to probe a willing human with our product, Hue-man ab-duck-shon! Call our receptionist Master Daddy and order a hue-man to keep for experimentation!

Doop doop Betty Boop Zink Dink despunk the pink!

Mustard: Unsure if you’d like to make the commitment of dissecting, mutilation or experimentation from our um *clears throat* products? Here is an honest review with fellow aliens who liked and did not like the product that was sent to them, because here we are transparent and we want you to know the pros and cons before purchase.

Mustard: Ziggity zaggity Shawn Mendes is faggity!

Mustard whispers “Like meeeeeee” seductively and then tongue pops for the last translation as the interview portion begins:

Mustard: Here are some truthful aliens that have their honest opinions of our clients, the good and the bad, translated to English of course!

“I received a human named Jeffree Star but this human was already more alien than we are!”

“The human that was sent to me was named Henny Praisegod and instead of mutilating...I mean harmless experimenting, this human gave me fashion advice and taught me some human words like ‘Yass’ and ‘Werk’ and ‘Tengaged’. Henny also taught me to NEVER wear a black scarf”

“I received this human named Stormer Summers but in all honesty she wasn’t that good”

“I had purchased a human and what I received was a paper thin human named Mystia LeBlanc. For some reason she was almost free, like no one wanted her”

*Camera cuts back to Mustard Monroe, only wearing the mustard yellow lacy lingerie*

Mustard: Even I have purchased a Hue-man and let me tell you, honey I was the one being probed! Back to you Plai!

Plai: Probed? You and me both! Now it’s Holden Richards with cooking!

(Holden’s Segment)

Hello viewers, my name is Chef *opens mouth and sound like a mix between a chainsaw and a dolphin squeaking is heard*

But you can call me Holden Richards!

Today, we make Skiznort. Skiznort is classic dish from my home planet Gogogox. First, you will need many ingredient:

1. 5 ripe zorpwad. ONLY. RIPE. ZORPWAD! Only use unripened zorpwad if you want death

2. 2 cups of gleeblump

3. A pinch of dried swoof. Some prefer dried kaxagle in Skiznort. THEY ARE FOOLS! TRUE Gogogoxians use SWOOF!

4. A pound of raw Burbfok meat

5. One cubic meter of schmeed gas

AND NOW WE COOK!!

Take each zorpwad. If it is wriggling too much, simply bite it with GREAT FORCE. It will stop. Cut into 37 slices. 37, NO MORE, NO LESS. DO THAT 5 TIMES

You're gonna grab the cups of gleeblump. BOOM. You pour on all 185 zorpwad slices. *Zorpwad sizzles on contact with gleeblump*

Now, you add swoof. Mmmm. Smells just like how Hive Mother made it. OUR BROTH IS FINISHED

Take Burbfok meat. Give it a taste. Has much nutrient. *Holden sucks on the meat as a vacuum cleaner sound effect is heard*

You marinate meat in broth. 15 femtoseconds later, is dissolved.

WE INJECT SCHMEED GAS. *Holden uses a comically large syringe to inject air into soup*

NOW IS READY TO EAT

*Holden ladles a large amount of Skiznort and pours it down his pants*

MMM. YES. IS VERY NICE.

Next week, we make festive cornhusk dolls.

Back to you.

Plai: Mmm that looks....um.....before we go let’s hear from a live performance of a group called the Xenomorphs!



*Before the cameras cut away Mustard sees something lunge at her*