-grammar errors hurt flow
-... @ Dr. Phil reference
-this would be more successful with a quad perspective
-I really feel like I didn’t get to know Gedrick. All I got about his backstory was that he used to gamble. The parts with him on Earth 2 were kinda cheesy honestly. This tends to happen when you only narrate through the eyes of one character when there are 4 equally as important ones, especially when the rest are way more interesting. He was NOT the right choice for narrator.
-Cobalt needs to be waaaay more serious. He murdered his entire family, he shouldnt be taking any shit! also, why the hell is he in a band? again, he was forced to kill his family. most badass space warriors wouldnt vent their frustrations by actually being in a band.
-i need more description on savnos, i still dont know what the hell they are hahaha
-you could have gone into some more depth about the universe. i understand that there was no set planet where everything takes place and thats fine, but you should have described the state of the universe at that point, how all these planets were connected, etc. all you had was the Laernys Guard andthe universe in general
-i feel like you could have used less dialogue and much more description
-i think the characters goals should be more cohesive. Maybe give them ALL a reason to hate the Laernys Guard (besides June, her character has a set motivation. Jasmine could have like been on the spacecraft and been pushed off course by one of the Guard’s ships. Idk about Gedrick b/c Gedrick.)
-if you completely cut the idea of this band being even remotely legit then id like it. it can only be a cover. even then it makes it much more of a 10-12 year old story. I would definitely avoid random scenes of them playing on the ship too, this would be a great story as like a mission to destroy Laernys.
-I love Jasmine, she was great. If this was a book then she’d be the favorite.
-I like June. Sadly, you cut out her story about wanting to prove herself, which was a big part of her in the planning. She was fun but was just another bitchy girl based on what you put in the story. Make her venomous and bitchy, but have a good heart overall.
-in general your characters were developed, unlike the other team. even Gedrick scores higher than the best of them.
-plot was good overall. not spectacular, but with some fine tuning i can see this being successful
-dont think i didnt notice the Buffy and Ivan references!
-i enjoy you creating your own animal (savnos) as well as using earth animals (rabbit)
-the Laenerys Guard is awesome. sadly, you left it undeveloped.
