Up next is the always dazzling, Miss Perfect.

Miss Perfect:Ugh! *Blushes* Thank you!

Miss Perfect: My talent stands out from the other contestants because it’s a love story. It’s about how I cherish my one true love’s sacrifice so that we don’t with purg-...purgit-....*Flips open piece of paper behind sash* PURGATORY! Y’know like those dirty Catholic pedophiles. Anyways…*slathers petroleum jelly on teeth* Here you go!

i already did peta bye

That was certainly. Moving...

Last we have Miss Pregnant!

Miss Pregnant: I am pregnant with my beautiful son, Caden, I was able to learn two talents that have helped me today. Bring it out, boys!

*Two men bring out a table stacked with 200 buffalo wings*
*Ties baby bib around her neck and begins to eat on stage for two hours*
*After eating*: I'm not done yet! I had a lot of practice doing one other thing while pregnant.
*Joan is presented with an empty fish tank*

*Joan leans over the fish tank and beings to wretch for a good two minutes. She then wipes her mouth with the baby bib*

Now we are on the always exciting questions round.

We prepared 4 questions tonight that you must answer to the best of your ability.

Let's begin!

Question #1:
If God (or a divine being) could grant you one wish...what would it be?

Let's take it to our queens for their answers.

Miss Anxiety (Fern): Gosh. err... I used to want to be able to read minds... but with my anxiety and FaceBook who really needs that anymore? :/

Miss Botched (Heather Lockwood): I pray to Dr. Franff every day that I gain fifteen poundth in thith ath. Naturally, of coithe.
(Translator): I think she said... I pray I have a doctor's appointment... in this ass?

Miss Butch (Jessieca): I would wish to have flannel be in season all year!

Miss Meat Wagon (Alma Mater): If God could give me one thing, I'd ask for Prophet Mohammed's bootyhole. That'll show them brown people who the REAL Jesus is.

Miss Perfect (Peach Fuzz): Well, if I could be granted one wish by God, Baby Jesus bless his soul, I’d ask Him to send me to Germany in the 1940’s. There, I’d tell Hitler about Jesus, and he’d free the holocaust survivors. From there, I’d relocate them to the middle east, so they’d be too rich and too white to attack us at the turn of the century. Thank you.

Miss Pregnant (Joan of Sharc): If God could grant me one wish... I would ask for a beautiful daughter. The date I found out I was going to have a son was the happiest day of my life. When my brother and I have our son, I just wish I could have a daughter as well too so my baby boy can have such a good friend of a sibling as I do.

Thank you ladies.

Let's go on to question 2.

Question 2.What is your greatest contribution to society?

Ladies?

Miss Anxiety (Fern): Um, uh. I tried getting involved with the community and I started a social anxiety club?!... But I am still waiting for people to turn up... Besides that I guess I just make people feel better about themselves...

Miss Botched (Heather Lockwood): My greatetht contribution to thothiety ith being one of the only naturally goigeouth women left on the planet.

(Translator): Okay, she said her greatest consitution to society might be that she has the widest gorge left on the planet.
http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m6alupda5o1qmfuk7o1_500.gif

Miss Butch (Jessieca): My greatest contribution to society is for sure my free monster truck shows i put on in lower income neighborhoods!

Miss Meat Wagon (Alma Mater): Well in my 13 years of life I've birthed a racially ambiguous son that twinks worldwide can really wet their mouths on. I know I have...

Miss Perfect (Peach Fuzz): Well, I think my greatest contribution to society is my pious nature, intact hymen, and my love for Jesus Christ. Being abstinent is just *sucks teeth in that annoying southern manner* the bee’s knees! Being pro-life and all so that we have more Americans for things like jobs and fighting in the war to heal 9/11’s wounds, I’d never risk my beautiful swimsuit body for a crying dem- I mean blessing from Baby Jesus Christ of Nazareth. I mean, my body, isn’t it gorgeous?! *poses and smiles while the audience claps*  I’ve never even touched a penis before… with my hands, so I’m helping get our boys riled up and rowdy to go fight in the war! Support our troops! Thank you.

Miss Pregnant (Joan of Sharc): My greatest contribution to society is my, um. My greatest contribution to society is my, uh...

*The right side of Joan's gown begins to lower, revealing her nipple. A milky, left breast is revealed and the audience can witness that Joan is lactating.*

My greatest contribution to society is my uh... lady-like qualities and the active role I play in my son's life as I prepare for his future.

Onto our third question.

3.What is your favorite body part?

dicks

Miss Anxiety (Fern): Well... there is this mole on my back... It's k-kinda' hard to notice, but no one's ever pointed it out!

Miss Botched (Heather Lockwood): I'd like to thay my favorite paht of my bahdy ith my tiddieth. That'th where I keep my Benjaminth. I hope they're your favorite paht of my bahdy too. For that thame reathon. ;)

(Translator): Titties?

Miss Butch (Jessieca): My favorite body part is easily my huge throbbing rock hard…..biceps

Miss Meat Wagon (Alma Mater): I love thighs. They're seductive, they make a great meal at KFC, and it's the only part of my body that doesn't currently need antibiotics!

Miss Perfect (Peach Fuzz): Well, my favorite body part is my teeth. As a young pageant girl, I relished in the feeling of room temperature petroleum jelly on my flippers .Also, as an American, having bad teeth makes us just as bad as those hole-ridden, Orville Redenbacher extra buttery yellow things our former oppressors, Great Britain, had. In fact, the only time my teeth ever work against me is when I’m using nature’s glory hole. You know, so I don’t ruin my southern lily for Baby Jesus. Thank you.

Miss Pregnant (Joan of Sharc): My favorite body part is my... feet! The father of my child has a little thing ;) for my feet, and I know I won't be able to see them as soon as my stomach begins to enlargate.

Alright onto the final question of the night. So I can get the hell out of here!

Question 4:

4.What in your opinion is our most important political issue and why?

Ladies. What did you all say?

Miss Anxiety (Fern): Oh god, I-I m not prepared...I think we maybe... probably.. could  likely, if we wanted... I mean we don't have to, but it'd be nice if we considered possibly saving private Ryan?
I think i kinda' misunderstood the question.

Miss Botched (Heather Lockwood): Global woiming. I haven't had woik done, but there are people who have whothe faceth may be in danger with the conthtant heatwaveth in the Eerak'th and the America'th.

(Translator): She said she's very happy to be here competing in this pageant with all of you, isn't that right, Heather?
*She nods*

Miss Butch (Jessieca): Our most important political issue is that our nation isnt very accepting of anyone that doesnt fit the mold, i mean they barely like gay men. So as soon as you say youre a drag queen, let alone a butch queen alot of people shut you out. I think everyone should just be more open to more types of lifestyles than what it shown.

Miss Meat Wagon (Alma Mater): Well in MY opinion, there's not enough scandal in politics anymore. It just bends my vulva to know that the days of pussy soaked cigars are behind us. Senators are too concerned with the drought in California, instead of the one down south.

Miss Perfect (Peach Fuzz): Well, our biggest political issue is… I’m sorry I just get so emotional *tears up as the audience tries to console me* Excuse me. Our most important political issue is making sure that the emotional rubble from the 9/11 attacks that our troops fight for is picked up by the kindness of curing the world of HIV & AIDS, stopping world hunger, and ending all abortions everywhere so that Baby Jesus of Nazareth in the Manger on the Cross with a crown of thorns can save us from the rapture… as one nation… under God with Baby Jesus, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all. Thank you.

Miss Pregnant (Joan of Sharc): The biggest political issue in our nation now is... ISIS. It is just WRONG for people to discriminate against others based on their religion. For example, we should not hate on the Asians for their beliefs. I believe that if we can establish world peace first as a nation, my son will not have to join the army when he grows to be of age for enlisting.

Miss Pregnant (Joan of Sharc): The biggest political issue in our nation now is... ISIS

FUCK YOU JGOODIES