1] My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
2] A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.
3] Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
4] "Hi. Now you say something."
5] "Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep."
6] "Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"
7] (From Japanese friend) He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave *sexy* message, I call sooner!
8] "Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."
9] "Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."
10] "This is not an answering machine -this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call."
11] "Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."
12] "Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back."
13] "If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."
14] Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
15] Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right .... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.
A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he needs
A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item she does not need.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one makes more money than his wife can spend
A successful woman is one who can find such a man
A man never worries about the future untile he gets a wife.
To be happy with a man, you must love him a little and understand him a lot
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all!!!
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed
Women somehow deteriorate overnight.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't
A man marries a woman expecting she won't change, but she does.
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are more willing to die.
Any married man should forget his mistakes
There's not use in two people remembering the same thing.
A woman has the last word in any argument
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings... they did it by killing everyone who opposed them.
2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
6. Plagiarism saves time.
7. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
8. TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.
9. The layoffs will continue until morale improves.
10. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
11. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
12. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
13. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
14. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
15. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
1. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk,
But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.
2. Our love will never become cold and hollow,
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.
3. I bought this Valentine's card at the store,
In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.
4. This feels so good, it feels so right,
I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.
5. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class,
Especially when I'm spanking, your big-fat ass.
6. Before I met you, my heart was so famished,
But now I'm fulfilled, SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!
7. Through all the things that came to pass,
Our love has grown, but so has your ass!
8. You're a honey, and you're a cutie
I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".
9. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny,
So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!
10. If you think that hickey looks like a blister,
You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!
