Hey. I've suddenly fallen in love with blogging so yeah :)
My nan died a year ago yesterday, 8th April 2012. Last Year's Easter, I now hate Easter. I don't celebrate it and will possibly hate it for the rest of my life. My Nan was 91 when she died, She'd been in an out of hospital for the last 3 years of her life. She even defeated cancer when she was 86 with the great help of her fantastic doctors. She had been diagnosed with skin cancer. She was in an out with little things, chest infections ect. But on the 23rd March last year she was taken into hospital with Newmonia. (I cant spell it), spent nearly two weeks fighting on critical condition and didn't wake up throughout. Had to be put on machines due to the disease being that serious, then sadly early hours of Easter Sunday she passed away.
When I think back to when I was young, (im 17 now) I remember going to her little flat in Huyton, (Near Liverpool, UK) and she was so nice. Everyone on her little floor loved her. Always saying she a nice lady, she was so generous and throughout her life always put herself second to other people. My uncle used to be an alcoholic, and when everyone had given up on him, My Nan taken him in and looked after him and kept him loved. She was one of 14 children altogether, she was a very quiet, nice and polite lady. And every time we visited she always made us take food out of her own cupboards home with us, we wasn't struggling or in need, but she always wanted to make sure everyone was 100% safe and okay.
When I came out, 16th February 2011 as a homosexual, the first time I went to visit after coming out, she followed me into the kitchen and hugged me. She wasn't well then, you could see it, but she still managed the strength to hug and kiss me, and whisper in my ear and say 'Im so proud of you Jack'. Yes, I am now an emotional wreck lol.
When in critical condition, I only managed to visit 5 times. I couldn't bare seeing a woman I knew full of life, laughter and kindness in a lifeless and empty body. I went home and cried to myself, I couldn't cry to my Mum or Dad, I couldn't. I Wanted them to think im strong. I am really. Sadly, on the 8th April, my Nan, Alice Isabella Ross passed away and left the Ross/Southward family devastated. This was a shock, as we thought somewhere inside she'd be strong and pull through, she was an Ox.
The day of the funeral we went to her flat, the other elderly ladies and laid out a table outside her door and placed a bouquet of flowers and lit candles for her. Everyone loved Bella. When we entered the flat we all shed tears, the flat was now empty. Lifeless. When the funeral cars came, the old ladies had lined up outside the door as we walked in the middle, they had tears smiling sadly and patting us all on the back as we walked by. This was upsetting, seeing them feel the same way, and most of them have now sadly passed away. They kept in touch, for 40 years Bella lived in that flat, there not faces you'll forget.
At the funeral, My nan had personally asked my mothers mum, (My Nan im talking about is my great nan btw) for me to sing. Yes, I am a singer and hope to make it big. My nan used to make it to every gig, audition and performance. I was so proud. I performed 'You Raise Me Up' By Josh Groban, it was heartbreaking performing. I was shaking singing next to the coffin, I loved her so much and I always will.
The worst thing about it, is her son (My Grandad) has been diagnosed with Dimensa and didn't even know who's funeral he was attending. He still asks to this day 'Hows my mam' Mam is a common word for mum in UK. It breaks my heart talking about her, I adored her.
Rest in Peace Alicia Isabella Ross, 1929 - 2012.
Gone but never forgotten, Loved by Many.
xxxxx
Hi. I'm Jack. I'm 17, British, Male and Homosexual. For most men that are straight, who say they don't have a problem with Gays, genially do. But not in a nasty way. They just feel we attention seek to much or other opinions. But being Gay really Is a big life changer. This is my story.
In Year 7, I had a best friend called Danny. we were like brothers. We slept each others houses, and went out every night/weekend, like I said, like brothers. One night, we was in bed (nothing slutty I promise) and we kissed. We looked into each others eyes, and kissed. I Knew then I was Gay. I felt disgusted and ashamed. and when I went home the next morning I felt filthy and like I had a big secret. The thoughts ran through my head from Year 7 to Year 9, was I gay? Wasn't I? phase? But in year 9 I got a girlfriend, Lauren, she was sweet and she was a lovely girl. Loved Doctor Who, and so did I. Then we kissed, and I knew for a fact I was gay and ended the relationship a few days after. We still stayed Friends. In Year 10, I knew I had to come out. Everyone was growing up, and I started to make Homosexual friends and I kept asking them about how they did it, I had a friend called Ryan, he looked like Barbie. He was the first boy in my school to come out Gay. He was so brave. I started to tell my friends eventually until people started hearing about it, One boy found out off his girlfriend and joked about it 'If you don't come out before your birthday im going to tell everybody'
The holiday in February I was haunted. What would everyone say? I Had loads of male friends. We was a big group of lads. it was unreal how close all the lads where. 16th February 2011. I told my friend how scared I was coming back to school, so she said 'Don't be scared of what people will say, it's who you are Jack, No one will say anything' so that night I came home and logged onto Facebook and admitted I was homosexual.. That's where everything changed.
Going back to school all my male friends went awkward with me, wouldn't sit next to me, change next to me, hardly spoke. It was awful. The 'Crews' would walk past me and call me horrible names. Fag, Batty Boy, the lot. It was terrible. At times I went home and cried, and im a manly dude, but I cried for months over being gay. I Hated it, it felt like a disease.
My friends got worried about me, but then I started to talk to other gays on Facebook and I wasn't the only one who went through stuff like this. I felt comfortable, and started getting more confident, and then one day one of the lads from a 'crew' called me a fag, and I said 'And what?' and he went pale, didn't have a comeback. Put his head down and walked away. I felt so strong, everyone's dirty looks and namecalling stopped. it was great.
I left school a year ago, i'm the happiest I've ever been. My dad doesn't really speak to me, and my fathers side hate me, but I don't care. I am who I am, I am gay. Get over it?
It's not an issue, where still people underneath.
Through all the trouble, bullying, tears, arguments whatever! I now know coming out was the strongest, bravest and best thing ive ever done in my life. Everyone respects me for it, and I'm proud to say I, Jack Southward, Am a gay man.
Hey. I've suddenly fallen in love with blogging so yeah :)
