*first 2/3 written by #DJ2230, the rest was written by me*
Jeff Probst: A game like no other where two tribes of ten will compete against each other to create a new society where they must adapt or be voted out. There is a twist however! These are all returning players who have been in mental institutions from having sex with their stepson to thinking they are dragon slayers!
39 days, 20 people, ONE survivor!
~INTRO MUSIC~
*Boats come closer to shore*
CONFESSIONAL
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Russell: I played this game with idiots the first time, All-Stars the second, and quitters the third. Now I am playing with retards, it should be like taking candy from a mentally-impaired baby.
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*A beautiful wave splashes over the beach as Jeff Probst welcomes the returning players*
CONFESSIONAL
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Debb: When we walked onto shore, I felt like home! There were a lot of nice things, and some great rawks for a shelter!
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Jeff Probst: Welcome to Survivor: Indonesia.
*Everyone claps and hollers, Cwisty sounds like Helen Keller*
CONFESSIONAL
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Cwisty: asflsdflsdfdsf;asldf;sadlkflsdf
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*The two tribes separate onto a blue and purple mat.*
Jeff Probst: We have the blue tribe consisting of Debb, Kathy S., Scout, Jane, Sandy, Zane, Shane, Jimmy T., Russell Hantz, and Robb Z.
CONFESSIONAL
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Jimmy T: I really like my tribe, it seems like something I could lead very well, I mean I read a book on it and took a college class on it and I could lead anyone and anything anyhow!
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Jeff Probst: And on the purple tribe, we have NaOnka, Abi-Maria, Lisi, Wendy, Cwi--*clears throat*, I mean uhhh Christy, Peter M., Chad, Tarzan, Denise Martin, and Coach.
*Denise raises her hand*
Jeff Probst: Yes Denise?
Denise: Um, Jeff, there are an uneven number of boys and girls on this tribe. Why are there 6 girls and four boys?
Jeff Probst: *laughs hysterically* Okay Denise, keep thinking that. Anywho, moving on to business. Mark Burnett blew all of our budget on hookers & cheap booze so now we have no reward challenges, only immunity challenges.
*everyone groans except for Russell who cheers with glee*
CONFESSIONAL
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Zane: With Russell on my tribe, that only means he wants to sabotage us. I won't let anything or anyone get in between my win so he needs to be out first! It's like one of them one two buckle my shoe type deals.
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Jeff Probst: Alright you psycho fuckers, it is time to get down to business. I will hand all of you some rocks an--"
Debb: *cuts off Jeff* DID I HEAR RAWKS?
Jeff Probst: *clears throat* Yes Debb, there will be rocks and all of you will take one. After that, the person that gets your tribe color in their hand will be the leader of the tribe and will get to use an Indonesian dictionary to name their tribe. Everyone understand?
*Everyone nods*
Jeff Probst: *lets everyone pick a rock on the blue and then purple tribe*
CONFESSIONL
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Tarzan: As a surgeon, I know the touch and feel of many things and this rock certainly feels a tad different than a regular one. I'm thinking because it has a paint texture to it and perhaps the microbes give it a different rhyme and reason of some sorts.
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Jeff Probst: 1...2...3...reveal!
*Debb & Tarzan reveal their discolored rocks and are tribe captains*
Jeff Probst: Alright, Debb...Tarzan *throws both of them dictionaries* You two will now get to choose your tribe names!
Tarzan: *throws dictionary to the other tribe and Jane zaps it with her magical witch powers* I don't need a dictionary Jeff, I am a professional linguist! I will use the word Gila which means crazy in the native tongue of this nation!
Jeff Probst: Haha, alright Tarzan. You're up now Debb.
Debb: Alrighty...well it says here that rawk is Batu so that'll be our tribe name.
CONFESSIONAL
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Shane: I get the fact that everyone here is a little looney, but Jesus fucking CHRIST is Debb bad. I can't wait to vote her out first, she need to go. By the way, camera dude, you got a smoke?
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Jeff Probst: Alright then, Batu & Gila are the two tribes! *Tosses the leaders their maps* Get headed out and you will get tree mail when your first challenge is to be held! Good luck ya'll, you'll need it.
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DAY 1 - Tribe Gila Beach
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Lisi: Haha finally, I can sit back and relax as you losers do my bidding!
NaOnka: Hell naw you fat fuck, you can wait on me cuz I know I'm sure as hell not doin' ittt...
CONFESSIONAL
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Lisi: NaOnka is a ghetto bitch, and that is okay with me because I am one too. I can get down & dirty and I am NOT afraid to fuck with her.
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Abi-Maria: Yay, thivs is greavt guyvs! I veally hope yu all livke me an I veally hope thavt ve can all be frienvs! Vuck vith me tho and I vill slivt yur throavt vith thees mashetee any chanvce I gevt!
*Everyone's mouths drop open and they slowly inch away from Abi-Maria as she gives a devilish grin*
CONFESSIONAL
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Coach: I've slain some pretty big dragons in my day, but Abi-Maria has a "thing" about her that makes me believe that she will be a formidable opponent...and maybe even a formidable ally.
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Peter: Guys, we need to build a shelter, I'm thinking we could channel in our mystic energy and blow a hole in this cave here.
Denise: Don't worry, I know a lot about this kind of stuff. *Denise puts her ass against the hard rock and blows a monstrous fart that makes a hole big enough for the whole tribe to sleep in* Job done!
CONFESSIONAL
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Wendy: Haha wow, you never see people fart like that in the country-side. I once had explosive pooping issues after eating some refried beans my husband cooked but I should be okay nowwww.
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Tarzan: We are getting off to a great start guys, let's keep it up and we'll kick the other tribes ass with little to no valiant effort! We certainly have a leg up on the competitors!
*Everyone glares at Chad*
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DAY 1 - Tribe Batu Beach
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Scout: Mmm, this beach looks as yummy as Twila's pussy! Too bad she can't be here for this...
CONFESSIONAL
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Scout: Truth is, Twila and I have been dating for five years now and are going to get married any chance we get. Sometimes we play with each other's cankles until the cows come homeeee.
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Kathy S: I'm already regretting this...I think I'm going to cut myself.
*Kathy goes for the machete and finds out it is made of rubber*
Kathy S: What the hell, there is a stickie note?
Note: Just in case that crazy bitch Kathy tries to cut herself.
Sandy: *walks over to Kathy* Don't worry sweetie, I'll keep you under control.
Kathy S: Oh lord, are you a lesbian like Scout?
CONFESSIONAL
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Sandy: Now do I really look like a lesbian? Besides my butch cut and manly voice I am pretty girlish!
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Zane: Haha, this tribe is fantastic, ya'll will all be aligned with me!
Entire tribe incoherently: Huh? What? What did you say Zane?
Zane: Um..yuck yuck...nothing ya'll! Yuck yuck!
CONFESSIONAL
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Robb Z: Zane reminds me of that hillbilly prick Clay from Thailand, I still remember choke slamming that fuck, Zane will be out first if we lose for sure.
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Debb: Well guys, we oughta build a shelter soon, I reckon it oughta be out of some nice hard material like wood and perhaps we could use some frawns for a roof!
Jane: You mean you don't want to make it out of rocks?
Debb: Haha, under this goofy exterior I am not that dumb!
Jane: News to me...*poofs away with her witch powers to do other, more important things like start a fire with her glasses.
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DAY 2-Tribe Gila Beach
*entire tribe goes into the cave to sleep*
Coach: Fellow noble warriors, it is time for us to rest. Would anyone like to here a tale of my heroic journey through the-
Abi Maria: SHUVT THE VUCK UP OR I VILL KILL YU VITH THA MASHETEE
CONFESSIONAL
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Coach: Abi Maria has proven herself to be a worthy and ferocious warrior. My feeling for Abi go beyond this game, as I see a potential alliance with her.
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Lisi: Na Onka, move the fuck over you ghetto bitch
NaOnka: Bitch you be fuckin with the wrong girl, I’m a ghetto ass motha fucka and I’ll fuck you up ho
CONFESSIONAL
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Tarzan: I think that the quarrel between Lisa and, forgive me, I forget her name, is asinine. Them fighting is creating a sense of unsettlement and distress within the tribe. This is because of the way the neurotransmitters in the human brain connect and receive and interpret signals
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Denise: Oh no guys, I think I ate too much of the rice, I gotta fart!
Wendy Jo: Oh heavens please leave the cave before you-
*Denise lets out a monstrous fart even bigger than the first and destroys all of Gila’s supplies*
Cwisty: JABDFF04TOPFEWLFOIVIG5Y0JUCF6HNBU9YUG9TUVYVNGVNS
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DAY 3 - Tribe Batu Beach
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Jimmy T: Hey everyone, we got some tree mail!
CONFESSIONAL
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Russell: I plan on getting Jimmy T out as fast as I can, I don’t like him and he will go because when I want someone gone they GO.
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Jimmy T: *to all* You may slip and you may slide and you may even glide as you face each other in the water, your feet and hands becoming prune and only the best will become immune!
Robb: Great, something with water, I hope I don’t get stung with a stingray again!
Jane: *turns into a stingray using her witch powers* Boo!
Robb: OH SHIT. *Jumps back and knocks over Scout and Kathy S with him*
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~CHALLENGE TIME~
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*Both tribes walk in and Jeff Probst greets them accordingly*
Jeff: Alright, are ya’ll ready to get to today’s challenge?
Peter: Not really, I haven’t challenged enough mystical energy to overcome my enemies.
Coach: *Puts his hand on Peter’s shoulder* Don’t worry my son, the honest and true warrior shall pass.
Jeff Probst: Okay…um…anyways to the challenge! *Pulls sheet away and reveals immunity idol* This is what you covet in this game, immunity!
NaOnka: Um, dawg, isn’t that Willlard from Palau?
Jeff Probst: Yes, yes it is. If you win the Willard idol you will be safe from getting voted and can possibly live to see another few days in this game. Now, how this challenge works is you all will have to go down a slide and once you reach the bottom you will have to fight to get a ball. After getting this ball you will have to climb back up the slide and get the ball to the top platform to claim immunity. Any questions?
Cwisty: asdflskdflsdkflsdkfl?
Jeff Probst: Um, sure Christy, that is allowed…
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~Tribes get ready~
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Jeff Probst: GO!!!!!!
*both tribes run down the slide into the water, except for Abi Maria, who is sitting out despite the tribes having even numbers*
Denise: I got this guys! *she proceeds to sit on every single member of Batu at the same time. Coach easily grabs the ball and runs up the ramp*
Jeff Probst: GILA WINS IMMUNITY!!!!!
*Gila celebrates*
Jeff Probst: Congratulations Gila! With this Willard Idol, you all will hopefully survive 3 more days out here. Sadly, Batu, the same cannot be said for you. One of you fuckers will be the first person voted out. Now go decide who it’s gonna be!
CONFESSIONAL
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Russell Hantz: My tribe was pathetic today! Of course I already have my dumb old women alliance up and running, so whoever challenges me will GO
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Day 3- Batu Beach
Jimmy T: Okay everyone, as I am clearly the most suited to be leader for this tribe, I think it’s best for us to decide as a group who goes!
CONFESSIONAL
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Russell Hantz: How DARE he suggest that I, RUSSELL FUCKING HANTZ, not decide who goes! You’re either with me or against me, and Jimmy is against me, so he’s GOING.
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Russell Hantz: Ok girls, we’re voting out Jimmy T. tonight! Remember, if you ride with me you’ll make it to the end GUARANTEED!
Debb: Sounds like a plan! I consulted my rawks and they said it’s a good idea!
*Jane nods her head while looking into her crystal ball*
CONFESSIONAL
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Russell Hantz: This is too easy! I got this game in the bag! Every single one of them is gonna follow Ol’ Russell like the sheep they are! Only the best player in Survivor HISTORY could get the type of control I have over these ladies right now!
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*Tribe goes to tribal council area*
Jeff Probst: Everyone come on in and grab a torch behind you, and dip it into the fire. In this game, fire represents life, and when it’s gone, you’re off to the mental hospital.
Kathy: Umm Jeff, there’s no torch with my name on it!
Jeff Probst: *pulls out a torch with a light bulb on the end* We had to take precautions with you in case you tried to fucking burn yourself, bitch. Anyway, because Mark Burnett blew most of our budget, we only have time for 3 questions tonight. Debb, what has been the best part of this experience for you?
Debb: Definitely the rawks! They’re everywhere! It warms my heart to see such a bountiful supply of the beautiful little suckers every morning when I wake up!
Jeff Probst: Zane, who do you feel like you can trust most?
Zane: Well I made an alliance with every- umm I mean Russell!
*Russell beams with pride as everyone nods in agreement*
Jeff Probst: Russell, how confident are you tonight?
Russell: Oh Jeff, I KNOW that the person who went against me is going home. That’s what happens when you mess with Russell fucking Hantz!
Jeff Probst: Ok, with that it’s time to vote. Scout, you’re up first.
VOTING CONFESSIONAL
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Russell Hantz: *votes for Jimmy T* Man, how stupid are you? Why would you EVER go against the king of Survivor??? You just don’t know how to play my game, boy!
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Jeff Probst: I’ll tally the votes.
*Jeff has margaritas with the producers and is finally ready after 7 hours*
Jeff Probst: Ok, the person voted out has to leave asap, and don’t try anything- we have security guards everywhere. And btw nobody has the Hidden Immunity Idol yet #SpoilerAlert. I’ll read the votes!
First vote- Jimmy T.
*Russell beams with joy*
Jeff Probst: Second vote- Russell
Third vote- Russell. That’s 2 votes Russell, 1 vote Jimmy T.
*Russell looks on, confused*
Jeff Probst: Fourth vote- Russell Hantz
Fifth vote- Russell. That’s 5 votes Russell, 1 vote Jimmy T.
*Russell looks around, horrified*
Jeff Probst: ...First person, voted out of Survivor: Indonesia- Russell Hantz. Hantzy, time to bring me your torch!
Russell: WHAT??? I WAS ROBBED!
*entire tribe bursts out laughing and high-fives each other*
Jeff Probst: Russell, the tribe has spoken *snuffs torch* Now gtfo
Russell: I’ll be back, just you wait!
Jeff Probst: Umm actually you won’t, there’s no Redemption Island this season
*Jeff pushes Russell down the stairs*
Ok guys, you voted out one of the most pathetic players in history, how will this affect you? Grab your torches, head back to camp!
Comments
LMFAOOOOOOOO. 6 girls 4 boys i cant LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL.
