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dannyjr0587

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I Was So Angry (Trigger Warning)

Sep 9, 2021 by dannyjr0587
imageThe weekend before Valentines Day in 2013 I was sexually assaulted. I met a guy on an app and he invited me over to play poker with some of his friends. I didn’t have much going on, so I figured why not. He picked me up and off we went. We stopped at the gas station on the way to his house. He asked what kind of booze I wanted and I said Jack. We went to his house and I met his friends. We started playing poker and drinking. He made all of my drinks that night.

They started passing around a joint so I took a couple hits. I literally can’t remember the poker game, even talking to my therapist I couldn’t remember it. But what I do remember is him telling me he was too high to take me home and I could stay in his bed. I refused and said I’d like the spare room. He took me to his bedroom anyways. I didn’t realize it until he came in and stripped down. He held me down while taking off my clothes. I couldn’t move. I felt paralyzed. I bit him and was able to get away eventually. But the damage he caused was already done. I became a broken man. I was able to get out of the house and my best friend at the time was able to pick me up.

I became angry, I took it out on everyone. I didn’t care because I wanted people to feel the pain and anger I had bottled up inside me. I felt like it was my fault, and honestly I still do to a degree as I should’ve known not to go. After a few months I was drinking so much that I quit my job because it was getting in the way of drinking and did my best to get by. I used this site as an escape. I outed someone on this site after they came and visited me later in the year, and that was wrong of me. I still have the guilt of that- and it weighs on me heavily sometimes. I moved in with Tina and then said awful things about her for no reason other than because I was an asshole and I was too stubborn to see I needed help. Even after she was so kind to me, I didn’t care. My wreck-less streak continued for a long time. I remained angry. Until I finally admitted I needed help.

I didn’t even tell my now ex husband until after I finally started to see a therapist in 2018 and he said you need to tell your husband. I basically ruined that relationship day after day being angry. And when I realized I was using him as a crutch is when I decided it wasn’t fair and asked him for a divorce. I’ve written a song and a chapter in a book that I’ve been writing about this. I’m still not ok, but I’m better now. I never in a million years would believe I had the courage to talk about it, during the #metoo movement, I wanted to talk about it, but I was paralyzed still. I was scared - but it is easier now.

For a long time I tried daily to put it behind me, now I walk with it next to me, and while I’ll never forget it, sometimes I don’t even think about it anymore and sometimes I wake up at night and want to spit in that guys face.

I added a snippet of the song I wrote in September 2020 after months of not seeing my therapist (due to Covid) and needing an outlet.

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