(Warning: May not be suitable for those under 63 years, 235 days, 7 hours, 49 minutes, 12 seconds old.)
It all started when our overrated adventurer, Cow, woke up in a haunted thicket. It was the first time it had happened. Feeling abundantly relieved, Cow deflowered a carrot, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). In a tragically predictable turn of events, he realized that his beloved titties were missing! Immediately he called his so-called best friend, Shīt. Cow had known Shīt for (plus or minus) 200,000 years, the majority of which were enchanting ones. Shīt was unique. He was clever though sometimes a little... stupid. Cow called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.
Shīt picked up to a very glad Cow. Shīt calmly assured him that most 3-legged wallabies yawn before mating, yet disease-carrying chipmunks usually charismatically yawn *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Cow. Why was Shīt trying to distract Cow? Because he had snuck out from Cow's with the titties only three days prior. They were striking little titties... how could he resist?
It didn't take long before Cow got back to the subject at hand: his titties. Shīt sneezed. Reluctantly, Shīt invited him over, assuring him they'd find the titties. Cow grabbed his elephant and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Shīt realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the titties and he had to do it aptly. He figured that if Cow took the pimp fresh, candy-painted 'Lac, he had take at least seven minutes before Cow would get there. But if he took the Shītmobile? Then Shīt would be very screwed.
Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Shīt was interrupted by six oafish Fücks that were lured by his titties. Shīt grimaced; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling relieved, he aggressively reached for his potato and fearlessly groped every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the magical cornfield, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Shītmobile rolling up. It was Cow.
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Wal-Mart to pick up a 12-pack of bananas, so he knew he was running late. With a calculated leap, Cow was out of the Shītmobile and went sassily jaunting toward Shīt's front door. Meanwhile inside, Shīt was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the titties into a box of gerbils and then slid the box behind his elephant. Shīt was concerned but at least the titties were concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' Shīt flamboyantly purred. With a inept push, Cow opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some stupid zealous...zealot in a time machine,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Shīt assured him. Cow took a seat right next to where Shīt had hidden the titties. Shīt sighed trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Cow was distracted. With fist clenched and teeth gnashed, Shīt noticed a pestering look on Cow's face. Cow slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
Shīt felt a stabbing pain in his prostate when Cow asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the titties right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A pestering look started to form on Cow's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's potatoes from when she used to have pet venomous koalas. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Cow nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Shīt could react, Cow skillfully lunged toward the box and opened it. The titties were plainly in view.
Cow stared at Shīt for what must've been eleven days. Just as zero people expected Shīt groped sassily in Cow's direction, clearly desperate. Cow grabbed the titties and bolted for the door. It was locked. Shīt let out a eccentric chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Cow,' he rebuked. Shīt always had been a little funny-smelling, so Cow knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Shīt did something crazy, like... start chucking dangerous oil-soaked rags at him or something. As if it really mattered he gripped his titties tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
Shīt looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Cow. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame three days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Cow. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Shīt walked over to the window and looked down. Cow was gone.
Just yonder, Cow was struggling to make his way through the disease-infested jungle behind Shīt's place. Cow had severely hurt his taint during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Fücks suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the titties. One by one they latched on to Cow. Already weakened from his injury, Cow yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Fücks running off with his titties.
About eight hours later, Cow awoke, his scalp throbbing. It was dark and Cow did not know where he was. Deep in the lonely imaginary desert, Cow was barely lost. Before the all-seeing eyes of a perpetually displeased deity, he remembered that his titties were taken by the Fücks. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a bloated Fück emerged from the swamp. It was the alpha Fück. Cow opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the Fück sunk its teeth into Cow's double chin. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Cow's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.
Less than nine miles away, Shīt was entombed by anguish over the loss of the titties. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened banana. With a careful thrust, he buried it deeply into his ear. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Cow... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him. But he would die alone that day. All that remained were the titties that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sapling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant Fücks, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come.
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