I believe that censoring your feelings, beliefs, and what you are, is the same exact thing as lying to yourself. I believe that lying breaks a universal law and it goes against our morals.
When I was a young boy I able to tell that I was different.
Gays are sinners. Gays are damned to spend eternity in hell. If Gays wanted to change, they could be healed with prayer. All they have to do is turn away from temptation. And if it didn’t work, they could just try and try harder.
These were all things I told myself when I was young boy and realized I was Gay. I knew that there was something wrong with me and that I needed to be healed. Since I always had a strong faith in God, I believed that if I tried hard enough, he would heal me. I prayed to him every day telling him that if he turned me straight, I would be good person, do all that he requested, and live a life without sin. I did not want to be Gay. I hid my homosexuality from everyone and did my best to try to turn straight. I would go on spending 10 years in my life hating myself and waiting for a magical cure from above.
It never arrived.
On cold winter morning in December, my home had caught on fire and within minutes all of my most prized possessions were gone. I had nothing left. My friends would try to consol me by saying that at least nothing had happened to me and that I should be grateful that I was still alive, but since I didn’t find my life as anything of value, it didn’t consol me at all.
I began to feel that God wasn’t listening or that maybe he wasn’t there. I began to lash out at the world in anger because he had taken everything from me except my illness. I gave up on the faith, and by doing so I gave up on myself.
Up to that point, I had never really questioned my faith, but by doing so I found a deeper meaning. I continued to question why I couldn’t be cured why I couldn’t choose for myself how I wanted to live my life. I started to think why was I responsible for something I didn’t choose. I had finally figured out why God had not cured me; why God did not take my illness with him that morning. I had realized that God didn't cure me because there was nothing wrong with me.
At that point, I decided that I would no longer go on lying to myself. I would no longer go on censuring what I felt or believed. I believe that lying breaks a universal law. In the end I realized that God had cured me that morning, because my self hatred were among the things I lost in the fire.
