Hello Hello Hello our top 14 queens!
You bitches are falling real fast just like Joco’s talent and we are getting closer to finding out who will be the next drag superstar!
This week we are taking a look at documentary films! Documentary can be boring but when someone can do it right it’s engaging!
So ladies this week we want you to live the life of David Attenborough as you make a nature document on the life of a species of your choice! We want you girls to detail the habits, lifestyle, breeding process and deaths of that species of animal in a full life cycle/story of that animal. We want these to engage us and also BE FUNNY! We want these to be like documentaries but also comedic at the same time. That’s what will impress us he most!
And on the runway, ladies category is........ Animal Print Eleganza! We want you to strut down the runway in your best animal print looks!
And if you are one of the 2 worst queens this week, you will be lipsyncing to.......
Here everyone! Welcome back to “Donut Worry. Ella got you covered!” The only documentary series on tv that will make you crave for more!
Today we are in New York City to study the new infestation that is afflicting the city! Forget the crocodiles in the sewers... worst than an invasion of bugs : today we will follow the life and the struggle of a DRAG QUEEN!
*Donut opens a screeching door to reveal a staircase to a dark basement*
*Donut starts descending*
The first thing you need to know is that Drag Queens are night animals, and outside air kills them so they gather in dark crowded venues they call “clubs”.
Drag Queens only live in herds. A herd of Drag Queens is called a “Kiki”. You can hear a Kiki approaching by hearing the Drag greetings such as “Yas girl come thru the house down”, “Okurrrr” or “Get outta my way, I need some dick”.
*Donut finds herself in the crowd before a stage as Alyssa Edwards is entering the stage*
And here starts the sexual calls. As you can see, this is the heat season for drag queens. They are able to transform their appearance and put on this colored skin to attract the male.
Unfortunately, a big plague is hitting the drag community preventing them to procreate : we’re talking about this dangerous affection called “KaiKai”. If a Drag Queen is diagnosed positive with the KaiKai sindrome, she won’t ever be able to breed again. But sure she won’t stop trying! No matter how hard and debilitating things happen to them, they won’t lose their sexual appeal.
Fortunately, Drag Queens also form on their own. And when thy happens, it’s more than likely than one of the oldest whores will take one of the newborn queens under their protection. Forcing the innocent baby to call them mother. Also, Drag Queens are known for being incestous with the members of their own Drag family.
*All queens on stage starts shaking and screaming in fear as RuPaul takes to the stage*
*Donut starts whispering to the camera*
That is the Glamazon! Drag Queens’ Queen! Legend has it she has been leading the Drag scene since the beginning of time. Once a year, the Glamazon chooses 12 to 15 Drag Queens to sacrifice in her honor. That’s the way she keeps powerful and relevant. She takes the unlucky ladies, chew them up and spit them out like nothing. And she’s unstoppable!
*RuPaul takes 13 Drag Queens and chains and whip them out of the stage*
No one knows where do Drag Queens go when they retire in those dirty holes of their private rooms they call “dressing room”. But we sure know we wouldn’t ever be as pumped and happy if they weren’t in lives. So thanks, Drag Queens. You served your cause. Now rest in peace.
*Donut dry a fake tear on her check with a tissue*
Now, this has been all! Tune in next week for my next big dossier : “Cats. Are they really planning World dominance?”. Donut out!
However, in all of its grandeur, there is one animal that very little is known of, though it’s presence on this planet is threatened by the ever expanding reach of the darkening claw of humanity. This noble and majestic, yet solitary, animal has alluded the greatest naturalists for centuries. However now, with current developments in technology, we can finally capture a brief glimpse of the beauty behind these magnificent beasts.
Today, venture with held breath and admiring trepidation into the previously shrouded world of one of the most endangered species on the planet…. https://media.giphy.com/media/mlOyvMcO7xhYc/giphy.gif
The Manatee!
Originally mistaken by ancient mariners to be some supernatural being, the manatee has become one of the most elusive creatures on the planet, only making special appearance for Sir David Attenborough. Measuring up to 4 metres in length when fully grown, and weighing in at over 1000 lbs, the Manatee, also known as the Sea Cow, is a herbivorous, grazing marine mammal with three accepted living species left of the planet; these can be found in the West Indies, West Africa, and, most synonymously, the Amazon rainforest. Their life has consisted of a combination of sex, food, sleep and solitude, with an intelligence comparable to that of a dolphin, dog or Rubes.
But, there is hope yet for the noble Sea Cow. In recent years, manatees have evolved within their ever changing natural habitat. This evolution has taken…a rather surprising turn…all thanks to one overt entrepreneur and their plan to unleash upon this world an array of fantastical, bizarre and sometimes concerning conservation projects upon the world… https://media.giphy.com/media/26ufeXWUv6GxGPfXi/giphy.gif
For the last 11 seasons, Ru Paul has successfully rehabilitated this usually solitary mammal, offering this species a gleam of hope for its future. Since its initial debut in 2009, RuPaul’s Drag Race has given an unlikely home to the manatee, with at least one competing in each season of the popular television show… https://share.bannersnack.com/bup0rffi1/
And it is with this altruistic act of conservationism, that we have been able to save a small number of manatees, however the population figures are still staggering, with a minimum population of 5,733 manatees as of Jan/Feb 2019 left on the planet. With a life span of up to 60 years or more, and a mating pattern that is sporadic at best, it is our job as human beings to try and ensure the safety and security of these mighty creatures so that our drag sons and daughters will be able to appreciate their beauty. If more conservation laws, such as the Marine Mammal Protection Act of 1972, come into play, then we have a chance of saving these animals! Do not just leave this up to one aging drag queen. We only have one planet, let’s do our best to be a little more conscious of it and save it! https://media.giphy.com/media/jiwuBiJN89n9u/giphy.gif https://media.giphy.com/media/mlOyvMcO7xhYc/giphy.gif https://media.giphy.com/media/l2QZO2paKHdxWwr1m/giphy.gif https://media.giphy.com/media/wfxGxL9MjuJyg/giphy.gif
Well, show's over folks! Thanks for coming! I hope you thought it was fresh! I'll be here all week! In fact, I'll be here my whole life, 365 days a year including Christmas, Hanukah, Halloween, Kwanzaa! Please remember to never spay or neuter your pets, and tip your cabby, cause he's broke!
Lights. What appears to be a crowned, sparkling black snake/woman turned away from the stage.
"Hah!" she squeals as she turns to face the audience, "remember that bitch from high school? Well I'm back!"
*sticks out tongue which is actually a snake tongue*
Actually, snakes are rather aggressive creatives that actually feed off the weakness of others.
Now, one might ask, what is the difference between that and , say Donald Trump?
The answer is actually that his cheeto skin is so thick it expresses as orange, not black or green.
In other words, he isn’t!
*blinds close and male dancer in similar black snake outfit is on stage*
Most people don’t know that snakes actually symbolize rebirth and fertility.
At first, I agreed, and then I remembered my own wife back home.
“RUBBBBBBBBBBBBBBYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!! WE are NEEEVER having sex againnNnnN!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Jokes aside, snakes mating is actually pretty similar to how we deliver babies ourselves. What a male snake will do is tie himself up in a knot like shape, being as big and burly as he can. Now remember, he's a damn snake. All he is actually doing is making as big of hole as he can. *pauses*
If you can believe it.
It must be to show off strength, I- I really don’t understand that testosterone shit either.
One last thing, most people don’t actually know that snakes are experts at throwing shade!
I had to think twice about this one but then I thought- well everyone here has seen Drag The Hags. A marvelous demonstration of this, by season two's winner, give it up for the very own two hundred and thirty fourth Davenport, to be exact, to walk through the Drag Race franchise herself.
Documentaries are supposed to be about hisssss-tory
Said no drag queen, ever.
Runway Voiceover : I'm bringing you the most infamous Jean Paul Gaultier dress to the stage. No cheap imitations. I'm bringing you the REAL deal. Time to piss some animal activist off!
CF: I'm feeling my oats in this beautiful rich expensive fur and animal print gown with my own Rachel twist on it. I'm the bad bitch you always wanted but never needed and I'm here to serve you class with a hint of evil.
*The camera crew run away as James Charles devours each straight male*
*Ur mum is a fat dyke and Borris the cameraman hide behind some debris*
*Whispers to camera* So these ‘animals’ are known to hunt down straight men to fuel their own sexual desires! They may suck, fuck, eat or rape you at any moment. You may be asking, where the fuck does this crazy piece of shit come from?! Fame! Because if you’re famous you can do anything you want, especially asking straight men for sexual favours. Right James?
Ok I think he's gone. *They come out of their hiding place*
So these animals are usually found in LA or New York, eating out of trash cans after they lose over 3 million subs! But do not approach them! If you do, they will force you to promote their James Charles Morphe Palette and won't give you any promo in return!
Remember, use code James for 10% off your next purchase!
Ok, let's get down to business, Breeding. This special of James Charles prefers the company of straight males rather than fellow gay males. For this reason, chance of offspring is very low, but still possible!
OmG there he is!
*The camera pans in on James Charles bouncing on Bobby’s lifeless body*
Omg he got bobby! *Bobby approaches Ur mum and Borris. He starts touching Borris*
Oh shit! Hes turning gay. Ok everyone, as you can see James Charles has turned Bobby gay! This is usually done through monetary bribery and manipulation. He has convinced over 360 thousand men that theyre gay!
*Ur mum’s camera crew emerge from the trees, snogging each other*
Oh shit! He got them all! Borris we need to get out of here!
*Opens twitter* Goodbye everyone! Unfortunately on a shoot in LA Ive been hunted by an army of gay people. I hope you all remember me. For the last time, Ur mum out!
*Ur mum prepares to be devoured by the gays, but suddenly*
Tati Westbrook: WHAT DO U THINK YOURE DOING JAMES!
James: Oh no! Its Tati Westbrook!
*Tati Westbrook incinerates the gay army*
Tati Westbrook: Its over James. She shoots James Charles in the face and his sub count falls dramatically*
Omg thank you Tati!
Tati: Anything for a fellow sister. Bye! *Tati disappears into the forest*
Well lads, another good day out in LA. I’ll see you next time on huntin for hoes when we explore the secret annex of Anne Frank! Bye!
My name is Lady Diarrhea Perlman, Baroness Perlman, Esquire. And today, by the grace of the Right Honourable Ladies Rubes and Joco, I shall introduce you to the wonderful world of the oft misunderstood bear. These majestic creatures are famed for their strength and ferocity, but what you seldom hear about is the gentler side of the ursine. Tonight, chaps and tarts of the world, we shall witness a day in the life of a bear firsthand.
*Diarrhea dons a gilly suit* Follow me!
*Diarrhea enters building, camera pans up showing neon sign that says: "The Stickitt Inn: Bar and Grill"*
Diarrhea (whispering): We've entered the lair of the bears. We must remain quiet and stealthy, so as not to frighten any of them...
*Cut to a hairy stripper dancing on a table. Diarrhea slowly slides into frame from the bottom right*
Diarrhea (whispering): As you can see, this bear is engaging in some kind of mating ritual. Will he be able to find a partner? Who can say? All I know is that this display has me wetting my knickers!
*Diarrhea fans herself with one of her leaves*
*Cut to a dance floor, where men of every shape and size are... dancing, suprisingly enough*
Diarrhea (Still whispering, despite the loud music): Here, we see that this habitat isn't home to just bears. There are wolves, otters, and chickens as well. Despite their animal instincts, they manage to coexist with each other.
*A GORGEOUS muscle man passes by behind Diarrhea*
Diarrhea (Yelling): TEA AND CRUMPETS! I can't take this anymore! I must leave civilization behind and join them! 'Tis what anyone else would do, innit?
*Diarrhea rips off all her clothing, save for Union Jack pasties and a Theresa May merkin. She then stage dives into the mass of men*
*Fade to black. Credits roll, with this song playing*
