A young gay Elijah sits in front of his computer, singing along to his mother’s sophomore album, Come and Get It.
ELIJAH: “SOME GIRLS ALWAYS GET WHAT THEY WANNA WANNA!”
Elijah’s singing gets interrupted when someone yells “WHAT THE FUCK” from downstairs. Elijah quickly gets up to open his door and look downstairs. He sees Rachel Stevens waving a frying pan, threatenly in Fern Mayfield and Elijah’s father’s faces.
RACHEL: “How 𝗱𝗮𝗿𝗲 you cheat on me with some slut!”
FERN: “That’s, like, so rude!”
RACHEL: “Shut it, whore.”
Elijah’s dad steps in between Rachel and Fern.
ELIJAH’S DAD: “Rach. That’s enough. Fern is staying. All she wants is love.”
Rachel rolls her eyes.
RACHEL: “And all she wants is dumb da da dumb.”
Rachel shoves Elijah’s dad and he flies into the fall. Rachel laughs.
RACHEL: “That felt so good.”
Rachel turns to Fern.
RACHEL : “You’re next.”
Rachel throws a fireball at Fern but she dodges it.
Rachel turns back to Elijah’s dad.
RACHEL: “We’re getting a divorce. And we will not be negotiating with love.”
Rachel heads to the front door but locks eyes with Elijah. Rachel smiles at him and then leaves the house.
APRIL 12TH, 2013.
A defeated Karolyn Vega approaches the mic. She sighs, clearing her throat before speaking over the intercom.
KV: "...Good morning, Lakeview students. Karolyn Vega speaking here. Today... is a very special day. The last day of the entire school year! I wish I could say I'd miss this place but it turns out that I'm graduating and I don't have to deal with this hipster bullshit any longer! If you weren't aware, third term was cancelled this year over... you know... the incredibly high death rate and damage to school property that has happened over the course of the last few months? But alas... Prom is coming! ...Ps-Pseudo... Pseudo-celeb- I can't even say it. PSEUDO-CELEBRITY Elijah Rothschild SWEARS on his life he's FINALLY going to get the REAL Lana del Rey to perform in prom. Now for our morning announcements. Student Body president Elijah Rothschild *warned* me to tell everyone about the HipsterCon that will be taking place today, as a celebration of everything hipster. How... exciting. Furthermore, Student Body president Elijah Rothschild *threatened*- sorry, I mean *TOLD* me to tell everyone about the grand opening of his new, less mainstream café "THE BREW (OR WHATEVER): ROMAN RELOADED: THE RE-UP" tomorrow at the park. And those were your morning announcements. I'm Karolyn Vega, FINALLY signing off."
Karolyn Vega turns off the mic and sighs to herself, before walking out of the room and into the hallway, getting swarmed by a bunch of crazed hipsters getting ready for the HipsterCon, while the camera pans over to the montage of the WOKE cast members giving hipsters dirty looks.
EPISODE THEME SONG:
because FUCK TIME CONSISTENCY, GIVE CHLOE X HALLE THE STREAMS, KK THX.
TODAY: It's the last day of school! Time to say goodbye to old friends, smelly hipsters and weird animals trying to attack everyone. That is UNLESS you'll be attending the HipsterCon! It's like ComicCon but for Hipsters! But yeah, more of a free-roam day.
TOMORROW: The grand opening of Elijah Rothschild's NEW coffee shop "The Brew (Or Whatever): The Paradise Edition"!!! It's like totally different and there's worse Wi-Fi so ou know it's less mainstream.
SATURDAY: Prom night. L̶i̶t̶e̶r̶a̶l̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶o̶n̶l̶y̶ ̶d̶a̶y̶ ̶t̶h̶a̶t̶ ̶m̶a̶t̶t̶e̶r̶s̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶t̶h̶a̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶ ̶r̶e̶l̶e̶v̶a̶n̶t̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶p̶l̶o̶t̶.̶ Secrets will be revealed. Lies will be corrected. People are dying, Kim. And the hipsters are going DOWN. And Fifth Harmony is performing!
Bronwyn Hartfeld is currently MIA. After becoming Superwoman, like, literally no one knows where she is and she's been gone for a month. Sad, huh?
Elijah Rothschild is finishing up touches on the HipsterCon while a few smelly hipster NPCs finish decorating the hallways with a bunch of beanies and stuff.
Deer-yandra is currently throwing all the decor in the trash and hissing at HUMANS.
Judas Rothschild is half-naked and around.
Deer-yandra looks at Lucy in disgust before applying lipgloss.
"I think the only thing you 'bout to prove to yourself right now is that you're willing to catch a case! Homosexuals ain't that bad either! Haven't you seen that movie Purple Is The Hottest Color?"
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