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[Season 9] Week 6 : šŸ”„ Roast In Piece

Topic » [Season 9] Week 6 : šŸ”„ Roast..

1081 days 2 hours ago
Faake
*Enobaria walks in the werkroom*

Hi everyone! It's me, Enobaria!

*Everyone is confused*

Oh wow! I love what you did with the place!

The last time I was here this was a mess, the curtains were awful and I was a broke and insecure queen.

Luckily the curtains are new!

As some of you may know me, I'm the Michelle Visage of Talianā€™s Drag Race. But not only because Talian and I are best judys like Rupaul an Michelle. But we both keep our plastic boobs in a jar!

But let's get serious.

Unfortunately I am here bringing some very bad news...

...Some of you may say that this is a tragedy. Others will say that it is a chronicle of a death foretold. Our dearest mother Talian has failed in her annual task of absorbing the souls of young Drag Queens to stay healthy and has succumbed to the most terrible of diseases: she wore a wool christmas sweater and died of fashion suicide. *whines*

Tragic.

That's why today we gathering y'all here. Queens of Heaven, queens of Hell...

...it's time to MERGE in the mediocrity of the land of the living and the straight people to pay your last respects to our mother, so...

šŸ”„ We are throwing an obituary ROAST ceremony for Talian. May Whitney have her in glory. We want you to create a humorous shady script reading the house down boots of our beloved passed mother Talian, but you can also give it a try with the judges and your fellow queens. Just remember... BE FUNNY. With the right dose of mean.

šŸ’Ž Later on the runway category is : ICY THRU YOU. A gorgeous look mixing see-thru fabric and jewellery. Did you get it? "See through"? Because itā€™s a roast... So you see thru like... in our souls. But we played on words like... never mind.

You have 48 hours.

Good luck ladies!

and donā€™t fuck it up.

But if you do, make sure you are then more than able to bring Talian back to life with the power of your lips... sync.

1079 days 12 hours ago
Talian
[24 hours extension]
1078 days 17 hours ago
Davoniscool
Shimika summers Runway:

https://photos.app.goo.gl/1tGZcdh54jBW4dQK7

CF: i am loving this look i feel elegant sexy and just down right amazing
1077 days 13 hours ago
nijoco
Runway

https://i.imgur.com/CDPwfZI.gif
1077 days 13 hours ago
Talian
[ulterior 24 hours extension]

[added to the previous extension for a total of 48 hours]

[this is also the last extension that will be granted so make it work]

Deadline is exactly 12 hours from this post

ā€¢as soon as everyone posted we go onā€¢
1077 days 13 hours ago
nijoco
Challenge:

I thought over and over again how to describe the wonderful mother Talian and finally I turned to Aja for inspiration. Mother Talian;

You're perfect, you're beautiful, you look like Linda EvangeBEASTa.

Seriously, weight loss doesn't cure ugly. A fact I should know.

A fact you all should know is that Talian was never like other men. They always say a way to a man's heart is through his stomach, in Talians case it was through Sims 4.

Now don't get me wrong, Enobaria is a legend around these parts... Well, around some parts; and I'm sure Ajathekween would love to test that theory.

But honestly, Enobaria is a true Latina queen; she's elegant, people still love her, she can tell jokes and if we forget she is trying to speak English and make sense, she can also rap. She's basically Madonna in reverse. 

Seriously what was she thinking?

Is more or less what I think every time Pre-Madonna walks the runway.

In the gay world Pre madonna was Cher, right? and yet somehow this queen looks more ratchet than a 74 year old in thong.
And obviously I don't mean Cher, I mean me.

Now it's not all shade and hate, not at all, Pre-madonna has proved she is a fierce Middle Eastern queen; basically she never stops arguing and is middle of the table.

It's not easy being on top but I suspect topping comes more naturally to me than most of these other girls. But I have been bottom, oh yes. This season the FASHION ICON Amanduhh gave me a bottom boot. A fate I have in common with Lemonade who surprisingly wasn't bitter or pressed but her performance so far certainly has soured.

Speaking of bottoms, I've said a lot about this next queen;
Shanita-shut-up
Shanita-stop-growing
Shanita-replace-her-mums-sofa

But we've been friends a long time, and she's changed so much; back then she was rude, sarcastic, quick-tempered and walked the runway like an ASOS street-rat. Now... She's taller.

Before I go I want to thank Talian for all these amazing judges we share this journey with;
Analiese and Ruby Velvet fashion queens
Holli Daze, a fashion queen
Bella Black, a fashion queen
Litter Alley, a fashion queen
Mustard Monroe, a queen.

Talian, you are loved and will be greatly missed , mainly because you've died holding my crown but also because there's a big ego shaped whole where your runway previews should be. Can't wait for next week "magically back to life eleganza".

Until then, good night <3
1077 days 13 hours ago
Davoniscool
Challenge:

hello everyone we are gathered here today to say goodbye to our beloved mother
talian.

Now i must admit when i got the call that a legendary queen who has done so much for the community has passed i was deeply saddened but then i was informed it was talian and not Michelle Visage i was like meh okay i guess.

We will always remember talian to be our fierce fashionista diva  and others will remember her for her legendary role as king kong in godzilla Vs Kong.

before talian passed she left me her last will and testiment ...... then she ate it. But she did leave me some great advice She said Shimika if your ever feeling down always remember this one thing  your always just a glory hole away.

we all are gonna miss our dear mother she is the only person i know who's thighs are big enough to start a wildfire.

If talian runs too fast her thighs will propel her into outer space.

Talian was so dirty the covid 19 virus was scared to touch her.

But in all seriousness talian you were pretty......... fucking Fat.

We also have our dear sister lemonade here with us.... now lemonade you might hear people say stuff like your bitter and annoying but that's just not true.......your also bitchy .

Well looks like that's my time. mother talian please rest in peace and enjoy heaven  who am i kidding if talian gets in heaven they have really lowered their standards  by a ton no pun intended.
Good night everyone and remember you're always just a glory hole away.
1077 days 10 hours ago
snick427
We are gathered here today to celebrate the life of Talian. Her last will and testament stated that I, Rita Bitch, shall be in charge of two things: 1. Catering. CHECK! The salmon en croute is orgasmic! 2. She wanted me to tell her life story, which I'll do now. Be warned, it is a long story, so be sure to stay hydrated. There will be 3 intermissions, so use that time to stretch, I know how hard those pews are.

Vincenzo "Big Vinnie" Puttanesco was born in Venice, in the year of our lord 18ā–ˆā–ˆ. Hmmm... Someone scribbled out the birth year. Those last two digits are anyone's guess.

Vinnie was interested in Drag from a young age, and he went by many names early in her career, from Ho Hos LaMosque to Ding Dongs LaSynagogue, before settling on the name we all knew her by: Twinkies LaChapelle. Twinkies, because she'd never expire (that didn't age well...) and LaChapelle because she'd make you want to go to church and confess your sins to Father Gropey O'Connally.

Following her drag premiere, Twinkies went from high to high. Her debut album was a massive success, which was rare at the time. You see, nowadays queens can just release their songs on iTunes, and maybe CD if you're nasty. Back in Twinkies day, her albums were released on wax cylinder and wrinkled old woman wailing toothlessly at the moon (I think we can all agree that old woman wailing is a better medium than MP3, but the cost is simply homophobic!). Her talent took her to some truly exotic places, from 5 minutes west of Venice, to 5 minutes east of Venice.

Like everyone, I was shocked when I heard that Twinkies was killed in the crossfire of a gondolier turf war. Just 78 years old, truly cut down in the prime of her life. *Dabs eyes* When will the gondola gangs learn to live in peace? *Blows nose*

But, we shouldn't simply lament the tragedy of her passing. We're here to celebrate the impact she left on us. There are people in this world who bring the best out of everyone they come in contact with, and Talian was one of those people.

She took her most average blonde wig and gave it to Analiese. To this day it's the only one she has, because it's the only one she NEEDS!

She taught Lemonade and Shanita to kick and flip, and they've been relying on those moves ever since.

She taught Mac to OWN the fact that he looks like the hapless Twink in every PornHub ad. Additionally, she fashioned iron boots to Mac and Facu so that they wouldn't float into the sky whenever they came to the northern hemisphere.

*Cut to Mac tied to the church pew with rope. Meanwhile, Facu is stuck to the ceiling*

Facu: Can someone get me down, please?

Rita: No! You were fidgeting so much that I couldn't tie you to the pew tightly enough! Live with the consequences! You're lucky I don't open a skylight and push you out of it to your doom!

Ahem...where was I? Oh yes, the conclusion. Her last request was for her coffin to be loaded into a cannon and fired into space. She massively overestimated her finances, so we can't afford that. She's getting catapulted into the Adriatic, so that's close enough.

I've taken up enough of your time, so in closing: Twinkies, Riposi In Pace, enjoy the shrimp, gesundheit, farewell.
1077 days 9 hours ago
snick427
Runway: https://imgur.com/a/bEGaNPq

CF: "Hmm? You have X-Ray vision? God damn it! I'm glad I wore my carbon fiber bra and panties. I'm not gonna let PERVERTS like you see my private bits!"
1077 days 2 hours ago
Rubes
ROAST

We are here today mourning the death of a beloved old hag Talian. Mother Talian has been with us now for over two millenniums and sheā€™s finally passed away. Itā€™s no surprise that itā€™s today because if I looked in the mirror and saw I was wearing THAT disaster of a look, my whole body would just stop working! Just like Litter Alley and her Bootleg Opinions.

Iā€™m sure weā€™re all awfully sad about Talian passing because I know that I was saddened, however, Iā€™m heartbroken for Facu because now all heā€™s left with is 2 crowns and no arsehole to be up!

Anyways back to mother Talian...Iā€™m sure we all remember that awful awful time when the doctors rushed to the studio to reveal the devastating news that you had cancer due to a lump that they found under your breast...Iā€™ll always thank god that the lump was just your kneecap! It really was such a sad moment *wipes tear from eye* 

Iā€™d now like to take a minute to go back to week 2 where we had to write a verse to your brand new song! It is so ironic that your song was called Drop Dead Gorgeous...because you dropped dead and made Annaliese look gorgeous!

Speaking of gorgeous...something my dear sis Pre-Madonna has never heard!  Girl, I am so happy that you decided to compete in your first ever race and your drag name is just so great because it fits you perfectly...you really are the before picture of Madonna!

I donā€™t normally make comparisons but this one was just too good. Pre-Madonna you truly are the definition of Google! Because just like Googleā€™s websites, you have thousands of runway looks! But not only that, just like Google...you wonā€™t let people finish their sentence without giving a suggestion! Hereā€™s a suggestion, do as you normally do for this runway because we can always see through your crusty outfits. Sorry did I say crusty? That was meant for your wigs!

Speaking of crusty, my best Judy Eden Gardens is here! Haha, just kidding...*eyes widen*
Girl you know I love you a lot butttttt...the total number of covid cases has to be less than the number of times you told us how many crowns you have bitch. Like we get it youā€™re old enough to have the most crowns hun. And another thing thatā€™s old is your name...Does everyone wanna know a fact?!? I think you wanna know a fact!

When you search up the meaning of Eden in Hebrew it makes perfect sense why your name is Eden...because that personality is plain as fuck. Iā€™m sorry Iā€™m sorry your personality definitely is NOT plain I mean youā€™re literally the total package...you can act, you can write lyrics, you are funny, you can serve looks, you can lipsy-

Well...

Moving on to my Hell sis LemonadĆ©! Bitch we have got to take all of them down! But Iā€™m really gonna need you to step up and do as your name states: concentrate! Because right now the diameter of your head is a bigger number than your track record!

Like seriously what is going on with you, I still cannot get over what the fuck your Masks runway look was. Like girl...you looked like a lost bird not knowing what she was doing...similar to Octavia Reifz in her ritual dance!

It is so sad that Octavia Reifz is out of the competition but a queen that did come back is none other than Shimika Summers! Welcome back to the competition girl! I must say Iā€™m surprised you didnā€™t think you won the competition when you got eliminated because I donā€™t think thereā€™s a more delusional queen this season than you. I mean...you are almost as delusional as me thinking that I could win Season 5! I know I know I just read myself but itā€™s hard not to when I had the worst masks runway isnā€™t that right Shimika? *thinks* oh wait...

But one thing is for sure bitch you made for a great lime in the makeover challenge! Which is funny because I guess that really did just make you sour of other peopleā€™s opinions!

Opinions, opinions, opinions, hereā€™s a queen that surely likes to share hers with Talian...Rita Bitch! I must be honest I am so proud of you for lipsyncing in real life this season because seeing you lipsync to Like A Prayer was such an experience! There was literally 4 of you on screen at once and yet I can safely say you still managed to be more emotionless than Bella Blackā€™s whole drag career.

I do want to tell you how much I loved your verse for Talianā€™s new song! I totally see why in your Give You Life verse you said to listen to your competition; ā€œcrown, gag, slayā€ because baby you for sure ainā€™t won or done any of that!

Iā€™m afraid my set must come to a close! Thank you for joining me tonight for the roast! Goodnight to the judges, good night to LemonadĆ©, goodnight to Eden and the Pussycat Dolls and goodnight to Talian!

*walks off*
*whispers to self* How comes even when heā€™s dead Talian still has those basic ugly grey gloves on!

END
1077 days 2 hours ago
Rubes
Runway

Sheā€™s a black and gold human/demon hybrid but sheā€™s most importantly a what? A Woman!

https://imgur.com/a/bSBnc0k
1077 days 2 hours ago
Chastain
Runway: https://imgur.com/a/Ep1Lags

CF: For this week's runway, I look beautiful and rich and I'm giving you all the skin you need for an erection and possibly blue balls too.

Pre Madonna's ROAST

Wow, what a set, give it up for Shanita everybody! Sheā€™s gonna be hard to top but so many men have managed to do it.

Thank you Enobaria for this funeral/comedy challenge. I canā€™t wait to see who will end up in the bottom 2 with Shanita.

Shanita, I have to say, her resume is amazing. Dancer, Drag Artist, Athlete. You name it, sheā€™s fucked it. But in all seriousness Shanita, from choreography, lip-syncing, designing, editing, writing, singingā€¦ is there anything you can do?

But enough about the Princess of Bazaart; we are gathered here to mourn the loss of our mother, Talian.

Ladies and gentleman, Talian was so benevolent, she hosted the only competition across the globe where an elimination round would start with 6 people and end with 7.

Several people had accused Talian of having substance abuse problem, and it wasnā€™t until recently that I started to believe it. For instance, Shimika was ā€œHighā€ during Week 0 and, evidently, so was Talian.   

There are still some things that I am discovering about our departed mother. For instance, I donā€™t know if Talian is religious but gun to my head ā€“ Iā€™d say sheā€™s probably a devout Christian because she just loves to bring people back from the dead. Me, Shimika, Octavia ā€¦ TWICE. TWICE. I love Octavia though, and she was such an inspiration in that choreography challenge as I had no idea she was deaf.

Octavia is so dumb, that when she heard this was a roasting challenge, she turned on the oven.

Yes, yes, I know she is no longer on the season, but can you blame her for thinking that she was? Talian sent her packing twice then brought her back in. Sheā€™s like a cockroach that respawns every time you kill it. Oh and, for all you gays who donā€™t know what ā€œrespawnā€ means, itā€™s a gaming terminology meaning rebirth or re-entry after annihilation. And if you donā€™t know what gaming is, itā€™s what the straight roommate youā€™re secretly in love with does at 2am while you play with yourself. And no, ā€œre-entry after annihilationā€ has nothing to do with what your dildo did to your asshole last night.

But speaaaaaaking of cockroaches, Shimikaā€™s here, again! Well, that settles it. I guess now we know who will lipsync against Shanita.

Shimika has actually updated her grindr bio and it now says ā€œbottomed three times and still came backā€.

But if you really want your cum back you should call Lemonade.

In other news, Shimika is actually on her way to make history and become the most bottom placing queen to Never make finale. Shimika, you should be proud though, and the fact that youā€™re here in the final 6 is the best  ā€¦ā€¦. you can do.

That comeback challenge was fun though, wasnā€™t it? We saw Myo Minai leave the competition. That was particularly sad because she had really stepped up her runway looks.

Now if she had also worked on her creativity, comedy, song-writing, dancing, singing, acting, lip-syncing, charisma, uniqueness, nerve and talent ā€“ she may have lasted longer.

This season definitely saw some clashes and drama. For example, Iā€™ve had my differences with Eden Gardens, but we are definitely in a good place! Eden announced that she is engaged, soon to be married, and she has instantly become an inspiration and a beacon of hope for all the other insufferable bitches who canā€™t find someone to put up with them.

No Iā€™m playing, Iā€™m playing. Iā€™m sure your husband is gonna feel like heā€™s living in Edenā€™s Garden! ā€¦ when he finally gets a divorce. You know, they always say, ā€œlove is blindā€, and given that Eden has 3 wins this season ā€¦ so is Talian.

Rita Bitch ā€¦ can't really ā€œread-a-bitchā€ and the only time Iā€™ve ever seen you show any personality was when you bitched at Talian for being in the bottom two. Speaking of which, I canā€™t wait to watch your meltdown tonight! Talian railed into Rita so much in that choreography challenge, she shouldā€™ve changed her name to Mustard Monroeā€™s Vagina.

Talianā€™s favorite movie, which she watched recently, is Mean Girls! When asked why she loved that movie so much, Talian said ā€œI love watching a bitter, narcissistic, vile, cowardly self-serving cunt make a fool of herselfā€ ā€¦ *hears some indistinct chatter* Calm down Lemonade, she was talking about Regina George. Please forgive Lemonade, as sheā€™s a little on edge tonight having survived a string of low/bottom placements over the past few rounds. Sheā€™s been sweating and bleeding for a victory and tonight she is finally going to win a Maxi ā€¦ pad.

Bashful, Doc, Dopey, Grumpy, Happy, Sleepy and Sneezy are also here, but in this town, we call them the judges. Letā€™s be honest though, what have they done? The only compelling thing about them is Facuā€™s nose-ring. 

But enough about the Real Has-Beens of Beverly Hills. Weā€™re here tonight to roast a queen whose legacy crumbled faster than Wall Street in 1929.

Our lady of the hour ā€¦ or, seeing how long her challenges last ā€¦ the lady of the 96 hours ā€¦. and as the guys call her around the block, the lady of the 25$ per hour + a happy ending ā€¦ Talian!

But how do you roast a disaster? Talianā€™s existence was so tragic that Lifetime is making a movie about it.

I mean, what can you say about Talian that HASNā€™T been already said? ... Oh I found one, ā€¦ youā€™re a good host!

A lot of people donā€™t know that Talian is a talented drag artist ā€¦ because she isnā€™t.
And Talian is so gay *funeral attendees: how gay is she?ā€. Talian is so gay, when she went to college, she joined the fisting club.

Talian, I honestly loved you as Twinkies LaChapelle in Rubes and Jocoā€™s Drag Race, and I loved you as Abby Lee Miller in real life. Actually, Talianā€™s drag name, Twinkies LaChapelle, was inspired by a simple formula - first name: who she likes to fuck and last name: where she likes to fuck them. You know, boys love to sit on Talianā€™s face just so they donā€™t have to look at it.

You dirty, dirty snake.

Speaking of snakes, hey Eden, remember that apple that Eve took a bite off when she was hanging out in your bush, I mean, garden. Can you please pass it to Talian? When I roast a pig, I like to put an apple in its mouth.

Finally, Enobaria claimed that Talian wore a Christmas sweater and died by fashion suicide but I donā€™t believe it.

The REAL reason Talian killed herself is that she would rather die than watch a week-0 first boot break a record and become the first queen in TDR herstory to ever to win 3 back to back to back challenges.

In which case, rest in staying pressed, bitch!

Good night everybody!

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