inside of some beach bar, ivana b. a. shark performs an interpretive dance called “a shark in a pond” on top of the bar counter while jean and lucy serve drinks.
jean: “wow you’re like so good at dancing, ivana. you should totally teach me sometime. like, in private. wink wink. haha. you understand what i’m saying? i’m saying i want to be a lesbian with you-”
ivana does a backflip and accidentally kicks jean in her face, which sends jean flying into a wall.
jean: “ewfhbkwjewklnihewbkjnveiwhfbuowehnfoiperMY FUCKING NOSE!”
jean gets up and runs off to the bathroom as junie b, who’s also at the bar, gasps.
junie b: “holy shit.”
ivana: “whoops.”
outside of the bar, a dark storm begins to form as rebecca, roberto, and finley park out of the bar.
roberto: “why are we even here?”
rebecca: “we have to loosey, i mean lucy, that we’re ditching her broke ass because we’re moving to san francisco today.
finley: “should you guys even be driving in this weather?”
rebecca turns and glares at finley.
rebecca: ‘shut the fuck up finley.”
finley frowns and gets out of the car.
inside of the nonamed bar, lana is destroying soapy at pool.
lana: “haha flop.”
as lana shoots another ball into a pocket, octopussy grabs it and swallows it whole.
soapy: “i-”
lana: “what the fuck”
junie b stops making her dolls make out and stars at octopussy, judgmentally.
junie b: "whew chile the ghetto.”
jean, who has 40 hello kitty bandaids on her nose now, claps for octopussy.
jean: ‘i can do the sam trick but instead of a ball, it's with a di-”
lana turns to look at jean and her 10 foot long plastic cheekbone implant hits jean’s nose.
jean: “vgehnopghrtblrtnFUCK MY NOSE AGAINnicnbbpiwvrn”
jean runs off to the bathroom as a news alert plays on tv.
paul028: “breaking news! a giant ass hurricane that may or may not be filled with sharks is coming directly your way. so , like, run to safety or something, girl i don’t know.”
junie b’s mom panics as it begins to rain heavily outside.
junie b’s mom: “we need to run to safety or something!”
she grabs junie b and runs out of the bar, bumping into finley, roberto, and rebecca as they walk into the bar.
rebecca: “watch where you’re going, hag!”
lucy spots them and waves.
lucy: “hey guys!”
rebecca: “oh my god, loose it’s been a minute since we last saw each other.
lucy opens her mouth to speak but rebecca interrupts her.
rebecca: “anyway, i have something to tell you. roberto and i are m-”
rebecca gets interrupted by a news alert.
paul028: “i’m here to confirm that sharks are in the hurricane-”
a shark flies into the news’ studio and attacks paul028.
paul028: “oh fuck!
paul028 looks into the camera.
paul028: “there’s a rescue at some location. get there fast!”
blood squirts on to the camera and screams can be heard before it cuts to black.
roberto drags rebecca out of the bar.
roberto: “we need to get to that location where’s there’s res-”
a shark from the sky lands on roberto. rebecca screams and then hits the shark with roberto’s arm.
lana pulls a harpoon gun from her purse.
lana: “i’m getting the fuck out of here.”
lana runs outside and kinny and soapy follow.
kinny: “we’re going to need a car!”
rebecca takes a break from beating the shark up and turns to the group.
rebecca: “i have car lets go!”
the group gets into the car.
rebecca: “where should we go?”
lana: “walmart.”
soapy: “is that where the rescue is?”
lana: “i don’t know. i’m just hungry and want a snack.”
kinny randomly breaks out into song.
kinny: “I POPPED MY PUSSY AT CAMP ROCK AND FOR ME AND DEMI, IT WAS CAMP COCK.”
everyone stares at her before they drive to walmart.
jean stares into one of the bathroom mirrors as she applies more hello kitty bandages to her nose.
jean: “i hope the damage isn’t permanent.”
old lady linda comes out of a stall and that makes jean scream.
jean: “oh my god, old lady linda! you scared me.
old lady linda walks up to her.
old lady linda: “survival of the fittest bitch.”
old lady linda stabs jean in the side with a shank and then runs out of the bathroom.
jean: “what the actual fuck?!?!?!?!?”
jean presses her body against the wall and slides to the floor.
jean: “fuck that bitch.”
the bar begins to flood and panic begins to arise.
- end of part 1 -
death list: #paul028 - eaten by shark
roberto fin / #turkeylover - crushed by a shark
