"Be muy excelante at gardening or bussing tables, and maybe you'll get to stay in this country. De nada."
“Her name is Lissa, and it’s a really good time for you, because she’s pissed at God and will do anything.”
"You're being too nice, strawberry short bus."
"You suck at being anorexic, time to embrace bulimia."
"That is it, Gingervitis."
"If you ever tell anyone this, I will gouge out your eyes with my thumbs."
"Hey, Hamiltamp."
"I had a hot boyfriend who loved me even though I'm an unlovable, plain loser freak with no fashion sense, but I dumped him for a pothead douche hole, and now I have to live with that, which is why I get high just to make it through the day."
"Quit screaming and hide your nasty junkyard Hamiltrash."
"Never have I ever ridden in a mobile leprosy triage unit."
"I hope you choke on a chalupa."
"Ew! Whatever happened on the mountain, Hamilqueef, we are not friends!"
"Jenna Hamilton tried to kill herself...again!"
"Did something die in here?"
"An uber-tragic tale about a loser girl who wants to die, called... What Are We Gonna Go About Jenny?"
"Speaking of slutty, how did Jenna get out of this?"
"I can't believe you're ditching me to go serve sausages to sad singles."
"Oh Hameltoe, how you never cease to disappoint."
"I got nothing Hamilton."
"Way to make an effort, Hamiltrick."
“Yeah, better soak up some rays and bask in your complacency to prepare for a life of desperate mediocrity.”
"Ew, the only women who are happy about a girl's night on Valentine's day are 30 year old sex and the sads."
"You have a problem."
"You are so nice, it's annoying."
"Your handsy mom and newly-minted gay dad say God says that."
"Help me in, so I can slap you."
"Oh, no. It's now my new mission in life to destroy you at mini golf."
"Why don't we do a story about a troubled loser girl who's so desperate for attention she tries to commit suicide, fails, then defies all odds by becoming popular and then manages slowly but surely to alienate everyone in her life, and then she dies?"
"How about, What Are We Gonna Do About Jenny?"
"Are you trying to torture yourself, or are you just a straight-up creeper?"
"There were certain things I had learned about myself over the years, but the single most important thing was I loved writing about me and all my stupid problems."
"The only thing worse than getting dumped is a eat, pray, suck road trip with you two morons. Good luck with Crossroads 2!"
"That bitch ditched? I am going to fucking kill her."
"Maybe my side braid was cutting off the circulation to my brain, but I couldn't stop doing dumb stuff I would regret later."
"I'm not brave. I have amazing tits unlike you and your sad floppers."
"I hate you and your boobs!"
"Pussy."
"I wasn't always a bad girl. I was just boring and lame. But lately, I had become a hard-core bitch who also happened to be boring and lame."
"Jenna is a ho-bag slut machine who humiliated you in front of the world."
"I know. I'm really talented."
"If you tell anyone I’m having this soft side moment I swear I will cut you."
"I'm a bitch, but I'm not a heartless bitch."
"And it made me want to die... even more than usual."
"I don't want her to beat herself up for the rest of her life. She'll end up in porn."
"Tell Gingerskank to go fuck herself, and then forget I called I'm fine."
"In that case, I would definitely kill myself.....If I were Jenny."
"I fucking love Asians."
"A million dollars for a fucking horseshoe?"
"I hate... this lame exercise you're forcing on us. You're a fake teacher and should be fired again or thrown in jail for gross negligence. Do us all a favor and self-deport to whatever nowhere country gave you your 3-easy-steps online degree in counseling and demand a refund. You're welcome. Wow! I do feel better."
