please read and tell me what you think- I was given a list of challenges that had to be in the story
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The story is set on a sinking ship. The story takes place at midnight exactly. During the story, someone's method of transportation breaks down.
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I carefully look over the railing and see the icy water below. The rain is falling hard and is making the deck slippery. Just my luck that the first cruise I take gets caught in a storm. The massive boat rocks back and forth, creaking with displeasure, almost making me fall over the railing prematurely. The alarms started blaring about 10 minutes ago, we were told to put life vests on and make it to the deck of the ship. It’s freezing outside, with the rain, wind and the fact that it’s practically midnight right now. The crew is loading the passengers onto inflatable rafts and lowering them into the sea. I slowly walk towards them and am quickly shoved into a raft the moment I get there. I don’t understand why everyone is making such a big deal about this storm until I see it. It was hidden to me before from the mob of people but that that I am here I see it- a giant crack widening in the hull of the ship. My heart sinks as I am being lowered from my now sinking ship. My raft is high up, slowly being lowered by ropes and pulleys. I hold onto a handle I find as to not fall over by mistake. ‘Well, at least things can’t possibly get any worse’ I think to myself. All of a sudden, I hear a snap of rope and my raft tips. The raft is suspended in the air vertically, being held by only one of the ropes. I hear screams as others on my boat fall hundreds of feet into the watery tomb below. Luckily I am still holding onto the handle, now for dear life. The rain is making the handle slippery and I feel my grip loosening. I hear the music of the ships main clock, signaling that midnight has arrived. My grip loosens more and I am now holding on by just three fingers, two fingers. I fall, on my way down not a scream escapes my lips, just one tear rolls down my cheek. Midnight has arrived, and my time has run
Comments
Nice detail, but it can be more sophisticated, I wrote in this style last year in 7th grade. I'm sure more expansive vocabulary can be used. Try to slow down the ending a bit more. I like the use of figurative language, such as "watery tomb", incorporate more of that into this piece.
"The crew is loading the passengers onto inflatable rafts and lowering them into the sea.' Show more, with sentences like these, and don't give the fact.
The exasperated crew is tirelessly loading the anxious passengers onto the inflatable rafts, lowering them into the vast expanses of the ocean that could possibly be their doom.
This is a good piece overall however and the ending is a clincher!
"The crew is loading the passengers onto inflatable rafts and lowering them into the sea.' Show more, with sentences like these, and don't give the fact.
The exasperated crew is tirelessly loading the anxious passengers onto the inflatable rafts, lowering them into the vast expanses of the ocean that could possibly be their doom.
This is a good piece overall however and the ending is a clincher!