I want to stop it,
but it slips through my hands
I want to believe,
but it feels like faith is so scant
I want to love You,
but it feels like You don't give a damn
I want want to fight,
and most nights I just can't.
and God,
I am trying not to blame You
but when I think of the Most High
I wonder how someone with such power
would let grandpa just die
and would let mom just leave
and would let mom just lash out at a dad
broken glass every night when she got mad
blood on the floor
soaking through the relationship that we had
two scared children who didn't know
how postpartum depression eats away stability oh so slow
I swear I still remember the rattling of that trailer door,
if You really love me and if You are really so powerful,
why the hell won't You take away this thorn?
Why don't you relieve my stepmom
in those moments
when she swears
she doesn't want to be here anymore
that night she locked herself in the bathroom
and swore to God she was leaving
her disability that You gave her
making her feel so useless
the poverty that You gave us
making things feel so goddamn fruitless
I hate living with this paralyzing fear
that I will never get to leave here
that I will be trapped for the rest of my life
living from handout to handout.
I just want more than this,
I just want to believe that what You say is true
that my name is written somewhere in Your Book
and that all things work together for those who serve You
I let doubt corrode my faith
and I know that hurts You,
and I don't need a rooster's crow to desert you,
because doubt is already in my blood,
but so is love.
The kind of love that bled on a Cross,
just so I had the chance at victory
just so I had a chance at life free of spiritual poverty
I promise to be content with Your Will
even if it means I only live in the margins
because I have tried thing my way
and that only ever led to heartache,
that only led to the opinion of a mother
who never really chose me to destroy me
when I had a Heavenly Father who chose me all along,
Oh Jesus, that should overjoy me
I promise to stop living a life glancing over my shoulder
and I promise to remember there's grace for me
even if I lose my way again
and again and again and again
because that's the God that I serve.
