I came off as defensive but I was extremely confused and in disbelief. Deeply. I truly didn't understand because I naively believe in the best of people, despite everything I’ve said and been through. Again, that’s on me because there’s just a part of me that doesn’t understand how people can be a certain way. Even on call tonight after the one we all had, I was told I was being too kind and too understanding trying to understand what happened and why while I was bawling my eyes out. I genuinely don’t understand and that’s what’s so frustrating. I’ve exposed my own ignorances to you all and this is how I’m treated. When you’ve all exposed your ignorances to me? I’ve been kind, I’ve had conversations. This is what’s frustrating. Because strategically, this doesn’t make sense to me and maybe it never will -- but this passed game the minute my actions were called disgusting. Because I don’t pride that kind of gameplay and if they are? They’re hurting people? Then I don’t deserve to be here, point blank and the period.
I’m actually quite sad to be walking from this game as I was having a lot of fun despite all the game rumors about me -- because that was game. It was a new challenge and a new mystery. But the more it happened, it was obvious to me where the strategy of the game was going. If it wasn’t true -- I don’t think I’d be on the block for it. Again, you all are telling on yourselves on a strategic level just as much as on a personal level. None of you can say nothing explicit is happening when you’ve all misgendered Jeremy for weeks, despite them having they/them as their pronouns on every Zoom call. That’s explicit.
So, what’s y’alls excuse now? There’s been no race and gender issues? Seriously?
I didn’t cry about this game or even feel near this emotional until last night. I had one alliance this entire game of four people and that was it. Again, you all said it was directed at multiple people but who gets saved with the veto then put on the block? Who did y’all all direct so much at, even the hosts raised their voices at me. Even when I time and time again apologized during the original veto results, I wasn’t treated as if I did. Kollyn’s apology was well received, even when he was someone who didn’t let it go. While I was someone who inquired. I even said at one point that I don’t think that Nik should have to expose, it was just interesting to me that they mentioned that the people they didn’t want to expose who they were loyal to and trusted. This exposed Nik’s game for me and gave me info I needed. Not only that but they said that they had known they had a target on their back or would because of their 3 comps wins, etc. On a game level, I made several points but the minute I mentioned sociopolitical factors, it got defensive and there was deflection. I thought it was important to mention because there’s obviously a majority pushing certain things. I even said, maybe Nik was in it. I also said that they could be using Nik. Those are all valid game assumptions as that’s what people do in these games -- so why was I attacked for making those? I can only assume because it’s hitting too close to home. I added the layer of race and gender because it informs certain actions and subconscious biases. For example, me being called aggressive. You all proved and agreed that you took my passion as aggression, that is a microaggression. None of you even see it, it seems like but that’s exactly what ignorance looks like. Just how I admitted to not understanding things, you all have countless times too. Yet, when I point it out and I try to get understanding -- look at where it’s gotten me.
Once again, I am a black queer trans/nb woman. I’m Jewish. I’m disabled. I’m at the intersection of all these identities you all are talking about are so much the majority yet I’m the only one like me.
I am the one being ostracized. I am the one being scapegoated. Painted as the aggressor.
