I really, really try not to be "woe is me" - especially at the moment when shit's harder for everyone, but I really need to vent, and this is pretty much the only place I can vent without having to have an actual conversation about it, cos as well-intentioned as some people are, I just can't face talking through the same stuff with 5 different people when I can just write stuff down once.
I was already struggling, because my mental health issues have been triggered recently. I'm bipolar and have chronic anxiety, which I usually manage well with medication, but when it doesn't work, I tend to become very on edge, there are conversations in my head which drown out my thoughts, my body can't contain its energy and I twitch, and I basically lose my voice cos I get a stammer which means I can't get my words out - I basically have to write everything down for people to understand me, which in itself is dehumanising. And then at this moment, I've just had the day from hell, which would defeat me at the best of times, but right now I just can't manage it.
I never know how many people know on here (like obviously people closer do, but I don't go on about it) but I'm a wheelchair user cos I have a degenerative nervous condition. I've been back living with family since my last flatmate who used to help me moved away. I've been trying to sort out an adapted flat since then. It's taken a year. A year of bureaucracy, obstacles, everything has been trying to work against it. Last week, out of the blue, I got offered one. My Dad and I went to see it again.
I knew it would be sparse, I knew it would have no furniture or anything like that, but I thought it would be kitted with... emergency pull cord. Nope. Adapted kitchen. Nope. I hoped that it would come with some appliances. Nope. It doesn't even have a carpet. Or an oven. Or a stove. I'm expected to provide all of that. I'm expected, during Lockdown, to be able to find a gas engineer to install an oven?! And I'm expected to sign a contract and move in this week? I'm expected to be able to find white goods, have them delivered, have them installed for me cos I obviously can't do it, during Lockdown? We asked for more time, and said "Look, we get this is how it is, but this just isn't feasible to start from nothing, with how the world is right now" and they said take it or leave it. And I can't take it. And that puts me all the way back at the start. A year's worth of progress, vanished, because I can't do something during lockdown.
And then I get home and I find out my Grandma has had a nasty fall. She was out on her daily walk, and fell on her face. She told my Aunty she has a black eye, possibly bust her nose, and she felt dizzy. My Aunty went to support her, but they're going to have to make a decision, because she, my Uncle, and my cousin are all risks for Coronavirus, because of blood pressure problems, radiotherapy for cancer, and asthma respectively. My Grandma will clearly need to go to hospital if she's being sensible, but if she goes alone, she's getting older and she's a little forgetful and that could be problematic, but if my Aunty goes with her to support her, she's potentially endangering more of the family. We're waiting to hear what's going on, but no-one's saying anything, and I'm worried about them. My other Grandmother died of Corona a couple of months back, and whilst we hadn't spoken in years, my Dad and brothers were still affected, and we know how fucking awful this shit is.
And then I get back from all of this, I jump on Skype wanting to see a friendly face or whatever and I just start getting a barrage from some cunt over fucking Stars? Like, give me a fucking break. If your life has so little meaning that you want to start calling people retarded over a fucking game, with all that's going on in the world right now - like fuck just my stuff, everyone's dealing with shit right now, and you can't pull your head out of your arse long enough to realise that just maybe you screaming at someone might just be the cherry on top of a fucking shitty life ice-cream right now, then you're just a vacuum of humanity.
I just. I feel guilt for being a burden with my physical health at the best of times. I feel more guilt at the moment for being a burden with my mental health right now when everyone needs a little more support. And then everything today, I'm just... I really don't see the light. I try and be outwardly positive even when I'm not feeling it internally, but I'm so done right now.
I know tomorrow's another day, and maybe the clouds will part and all this shit, but I just needed to vent rn.
There is always enough love for everyone, love. You’re an incredible person that deserves all the love in the world and if you need anything in terms of support or love, I am more than capable of giving love in multiple areas of my life at the moment. Never feel guilty for feeling alone. Never feel guilty for feeling helpless. Never feel guilty for having feelings and emotions. I love you.
life is not always supposed to be easy and right now especially. Crying really does help let your emotions go if you haven't and as youre crying just think of some happy moments and laugh it off. sending love <3
Some people can be complete jerks, best thing to do is just remove them from your life, you're worth a lot more than their toxicity! I'm sorry you're struggling, there are bad days, but stay strong, you have people here for you and things do get better, I promise!
Looking at your cast I can try to guess who was being an ass to you and dont let it get to you. It's a well known fact the person is mentally unstable and it has nothing to do with you. I am also sorry that you are going through this and hopefully tomorrow will be better for you.
