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Big Brother and online Hunger games.

s73100 // sam

2ndDec 16, 2021 by hamburgerbunzz
please feel free to scroll by. just want a place to type out my feelings. will probably delete when i realize people have actually read this that interact with me in my daily life.

The last couple months have been hard. Like really hard. Maybe more than the last couple months. I've kinda had a hard time remembering the last time things were like really good all around. Like I know I can be someone who puts on a brave face for everyone and hypes people up and lets people talk to them about whatever, but on the inside I am so freaking drained and have lost all like drive to really like hype myself up and take care of myself and my own mental health and i just feel like such a burden to the people around me.

I don't really know what it is lately but I have kinda just been feeling like everyone's second or third or fourth choice and really do not feel like I am a priority to anyone. I have described myself as like the "spare tire" type of friend that is always there when you need it in a bind, but you are never going to go out of your way to use it. and i just feel like a lot of my friendships, online and IRL have become me reaching out or initiating plans but never really being reached out to and it has just reached a point that like I have fully convinced myself that I am not really worth anyone's time. Like I am just tired of fighting my ass off to be part of someone's life who really would not bat an eye if I was not a part of theirs.

I just feel like no matter how much I have tried lately I am just like not enough for anyone's standards or enough for someone to like want me in any context really. and I don't really know how to snap out of this or like be better, but I've just been beating myself up about so many things. Like someone will type one message to me differently, and I suddenly begin spiraling about anything and everything I have ever said or done that could have been misconstrued or hurt them in any way. My social anxiety has had an iron grasp on my life the last several months and it just feels like everything I do is wrong and everyone I interact with secretly hates me and is behind my back talking about me or wishing I would just not be around them. and I know part of this is probably just my brain lying to me and making me feel this way, but that doesn't change the fact that it is very much how I have felt for so long now.

but yeah, it's just been really hard lately feeling that once I no longer serve a purpose to someone or they don't need me anymore that they are so quick to just drop me entirely. and because of that feeling, i have lost the ability to maintain friendships or relationships because i feel constantly on edge that they are just going to abandon me, so i just drop people before they can drop me because i tell myself that will hurt less.

idk this is probably all stupid and i'm just being dramatic or whatever and it will go away but i just needed to type it out somewhere. idk if other people feel this way too and if this helps someone to know that they are not alone in these feelings then i will leave it here. but im really so ready for this sucky feeling to be done and for a better one to come in.

if you made it to the end and actually read all of this, i'm sorry for like taking up your time with this, but thank you for reading. and if anyone else is struggling with the same thing or any other things and you need someone to talk through stuff with, please feel free to reach out. <3

Comments

Sending love 💓
Sent by Kaylabby,Dec 16, 2021
Don’t ever feel sorry for taking up someone’s time when you got something you need to get something off your chest.
Sent by Blahblahblahblah,Dec 16, 2021
i love u sooooooo much u are always wanted by and special to me!! i feel the same way allllllll the time and the only thing we can rly do is take some deep breaths n realize everything is okay. i love u smm!!
Sent by peace123,Dec 16, 2021
Hugs sm. Loves you sm. Hearts you sm.
Sent by ZacPed,Dec 16, 2021
I feel this way a lot tbh. I think in life we'll always be our own worst enemies. I would say try not to think as much about whether you're worthy etc. it'll just lead to more anxiety. The answer is always yes. Even if you get to a point where you feel like you're not always worthy to others or feel not good enough; find the worth in yourself 💚
Sent by woeisme,Dec 17, 2021
sending loads of love
Sent by Alex150498,Dec 17, 2021
Girl too long too read until I’ve had coffee, but I’ve got anxiety out the wazoo so I’m here for you
Sent by brosky17,Dec 17, 2021
Aww sending hugs and love 💙, don’t beat yourself up and definitely not a spare tire. You’re a great friend to people and they are lucky to have a friend like you. Always value yourself more than your friendships because they come and go, but your self respect dignity and character will always remain.
Sent by VanitySmurf,Dec 17, 2021
Honestly I relate to this so much. The people who see your worth are the ones that should take up your time. You’re an awesome person rachael, anyone is lucky to have a friend like you!
Msg me if you ever need to chat/vent.
*hugs*
<3
Sent by Lynn12,Dec 17, 2021
<3
Sent by J2999,Dec 17, 2021
you are worth it
Sent by Hash,Dec 17, 2021
hugs, queen <3
Sent by Lucas_RFS,Dec 17, 2021
queen <3
Sent by iSandeh,Dec 17, 2021
I love you ❤️
Sent by Tommeh208,Dec 17, 2021
Sent by Music,Dec 17, 2021
💜 ilysm
Sent by iYBF,Dec 17, 2021
Just keep putting good out there and you'll get yours. I think it also helps to keep the perspective that people are always going to act (and be) more selfish than they genuinely MEAN to be... it doesn't mean those people don't value you.
Sent by donaam,Dec 17, 2021
I've felt this before, it can be really hard :( Try to focus on positives and the people who do prioritize you whenever you can.
Sent by cheritaisdelicious,Dec 17, 2021

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