69th comment gets a gift

Comments

69th

Sent by DJ2722,Dec 11, 2017

Me

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

Me

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

Tengaged keeps shutting off so this is going to take a really long time

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

Me

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

This is annoying

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

But I’ll do it

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

Because I believe this blog is genuine

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

And what else have I to do

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

When I was in Varadero

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

I was held back by something inside of me

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

But I know that past ... I call it a switch

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

On the other side of the switch

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

There’s so much I know I can do and want to do

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

So I left Varadero

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

I left Varadero and I went to Havana

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

Alone, I went by myself

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

And I was terrified because

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

I couldn’t break out of ... I can’t break out of

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

Whatever’s holding me back

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

How could I function?

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

Anxiety, it overwhelmed me so it felt like I wasn’t able to move

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

I tried to make some friends

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

I did

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

But I wasn’t- I didn’t feel like a complete person

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

I didn’t know what kind of a person I was so far away from home

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

The air was exotic

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

I bought a coconut- a straight up coconut off a tout for 1 cuc

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

I made some more friends

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

A pair of foreign exchange students

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

One of them- she didn’t know me but she seemed genuinely interested in me

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

And I’ll never forget this friendship

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

It felt unreasonably pure

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

I said I was from Canada

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

I was solitary in Havana but I was talking to these two English university students

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

So I wasn’t alone

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

But I was still held back

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

I was afraid constantly - it felt like I was talking through an invisible barrier

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

I drank from my coconut on concrete steps

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

I remember I was at a restaurant

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

I was a vegetarian - I am a vegetarian

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

It sparked a conversation

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

With some Danish folks

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

But it wasn’t a debate

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

They were old and beautiful

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

And they spoke English

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

A lovely married couple who truly loved one another

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

I just remember, the woman, so pure and so gentile, she had said she couldn’t find nice mangos on the island she lived on back home

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

I remember thinking - what’s Denmark?

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

Because ... it hadn’t existed until that moment

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

Somewhere so far away was a place they called home

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

And it wasn’t Canada

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

Canada stopped becoming a place

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

I was in Havana, solitary

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

Kept beneath a layer, beneath which so much that was dying to come out

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

I was in that layer. I was trapped in that layer. I’m still in that layer.

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

I remember being alone and surrounded by pairs of friends, family

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

How after all this? Am I solitary?

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

But that was what I wanted

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

I travelled alone to Havana pour apprendre à me débrouiller

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

And I

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

I don’t think I did

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

But I was more alive than I’ve ever been

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

And I was young

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

And society doesn’t show the ropes to 17 year olds

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

Not where I’m from, not in Gatineau

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

But how could I be able to blow up my world if I’ve never met the world?

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

That’s what Havana did for me

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

I’ve built myself up in the last weeks

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

But I lost everything 2 weeks ago

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

And I am still reeling from the events that will follow

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

No ones been told this

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

I couldn’t bare telling this to someone in my world

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

But as I’m spamming to 69 comments on blog in a virtual website

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

I received my drivers license some weeks ago

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

My 2nd time out alone I

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

I shouldn’t have backed in ... but

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

So I scraped the car next to me

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

A man was in it, his children in the back

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

Woe is me!

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

The man verbally ... I beg your pardon but he verbally I guess he verbally abused me

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

And oh there was screaming and I seized up

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

And I always think of it

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

And then I’m unable to move again

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

He was screaming at me

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

And now I can’t bear it.. it feels like I’m being yelled at right now

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

Like I was stuck in cubicle and someone was shoving me forever into the world I see past the switch

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

I couldn’t break away from where I was put

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

It made me feel totally totally stuck

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

And I am ... in the world I am and my manipulative mother and condescending sister have made sure of that

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

I was forced into college ... you see I’m the type who should’ve gone without college

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

for just a few years

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

And college has kept me stuck as the person I can’t break away from

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

I’m 18 in January and I’m not - I’m not really allowed to be an individual in this house

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

My vegetarianism has sparked horrid conditions

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

But how could I leave something that helped me out of the darkest times of my life almost a year ago? Vegetarianism freed me once.

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

It’s funny that restrictions could free a person

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

I thought those were the darkest times of my life

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

When all I could listen to was Alexander Borodin ... the exact same song countless times ... it’s on my profile page because I can’t hide it anymore

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

It gave me life and allowed me to feel in a time I was dying

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

After the car accident a part of me died and I’m trying to bring it back to life

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

But it never will and I have to accept that, push past the switch and fall into the state of mind I need to be

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

But that man ... screaming, his words and his violent gestures will have me afraid of men for the rest of my life

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

After the incident I cut myself ... I hacked at myself actually

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

I’m sorry and I’ll spare the details but it was most definitely hacking because the knife was dull

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

It’s in my bedside tiroir right now ... I can’t think of the English word

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

I planned my death and only did not do it because I couldn’t break out of the habits associated to college

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

But if I had never gone to college, I wouldn’t ... I know I wouldn’t have wanted to die in the first place

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

I need to go to Estonia to be afraid again ... I need to lose my ability to move again and find my abilities

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

Because I’ll always be Philip Christopher- Enzo Hobbs here to myself and everyone

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

But anywhere else ... I am Enzo Farion

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

And I am Lazarus come from the dead

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

This is the 114th comment I think
I didn’t know I got that far out

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

You don’t have to gift me because this has been therapeutic for me

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

And I don’t feel relieved but I’ve been able to put it all into perspective

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

And someday during my life I’ll have a tiny house in Tallinn, an apartment in Barcelona on the avenue La Rambia, a restaurant in Sàn Sebastian if this passion refinds myself and I will learn the piano if it is the last thing I fucking do.

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017

Have a nice night x

Sent by Philip13,Dec 11, 2017