the beginning for my internet social world began when I joined a roblox longterm BB game in early 2019. I was 13 and I was excited to play a game like that for the first time. It eventually led me to tengaged which I joined in July. Later that year I joined another community (a small artist youtuber fandom, unrelated to tengaged) that I've stuck with for over 3 years now.
ever since that event of joining that ORG in 2019, I cannot fathom how much I've been through. the things that I have seen online, in the Roblox big brother community, in the fandom community, in the tengaged community, just the communities that I've been in over all these years
I must have witnessed tons of events exposing individuals to graphic behaviors and being a part of at least more than a hundred online fights. Having to go to therapy to speak about what occurs online is mind-boggling. and some of the things that I've done within that time I can't recall but I know that I regret how I acted because there is such a toxic mindset that implants itself into your brain.
I was groomed and manipulated. Cyberbullied. Suicidal thoughts. I have survived, witnessed, been a part of, becoming self-absorbed, feeding into the toxicity that is the internet whether I was in a situation of being a victim or an instigator. It has affected me to the point that I have grown and learned so many lessons over the years and every time I learn a lesson, it takes me a few steps to try and improve.
Today I learned an important and vital lesson. I was distracted. at the wheel. I thought the light was green and cars were moving. I accelerated too fast and I hit the car in front of me. I felt the impact and I absolutely hated that feeling. I might have possibly hurt myself or someone else. I was devasted and got out of my car and went to go check to see if they were ok. they were and no one was hurt. small damage, fender-bender, but now I have to pay 750$ deductible before my insurance can kick in.
I was just horrified. I can't believe it led me to this moment like it wasn't big but it wasn't small. I could have hit someone or worse
I wasn't prepared for today. What I went through the past 3 years could not have prepared me for it. I blame myself and the distraction itself. I'm tired of having to keep learning lessons
which is why I'm taking a step back. I'm not completely removing myself but for the most part, it is done. it has become too much where the internet has affected me in real life and this is me drawing the line. I want to remove myself and come back better and stronger. healthy and not distracted, not to the point that it distracted me today or in a situation that will ever affect me in real life.
I love a lot of you. which is why I'm writing this I want to let you guys know that I want to get better and most of you know how I am on tengaged. I want to move on from that and I want you to see a better me in the future, not how I am right now.
as I said I won't be completely gone, you'll still be able to communicate with me, just less likely.
thank you for reading if you did
tldr: I got into a fender bender today and explain my 3 year story regarding the internet and what it has done to my mental health which leads to me stepping back from being online too much
I’m blaming myself for distracted driving and I’m blaming my the distraction which was my phone because it’s an obsession which is why I want to step back
ur charli xcx - crash era ending ur chronically online era is so good!!
real talk tho im glad ur okay and that every1 else was too, a situation like this could have been a lot worse and the fact u wanna refocus urself after an event like this is saur valid and something i wish u the best with!! hugs
It's good that you are learning from this experience at least. Distracted driving is no joke, I'm glad you are taking this seriously, and also that no one was hurt.
Take whatever time you need off. This site (and the Internet in general) can be very addicting, and sometimes taking a step back from the madness is the best decision you can make. Take care of yourself!
You know, everything we’ve been through and I truly think you’re a really smart kid with a good head on your shoulders. I’m impressed that you can articulate how you feel so clearly and take a step back like you have done here to truly understand your perspective vs the perspective of the world around you. Cheers to bettering yourself and tbh I’m proud of you
