***Trigger Warning - This blog will heavily discuss topics regarding grooming, pedophlia, predatory behaviors, self harm, and overall mental health ***
Edit- do not read this blog if you do not want to learn about grooming. It can be a glum subject, but it is a subject that has always been occurring on this site
On a website meant for fans of Big Brother and Survivor to come together, it can be expected for manipulation to occur for strategy. Socially manipulating other competitors to keep you safe or to earn their trust may be part of the game, but there have been many users who have taken his manipulation too far. In this blog, I am going to discuss common tactics that may be performed by an adult who is trying to groom a younger member of the website.
What is Grooming?
Online grooming is a process that can take place in a short time or over an extended period. Initial conversations online can appear innocent, but often involve some level of deception. As the predator (usually an adult) attempts to establish a relationship to gain a child’s trust, he or she may initially lie about his/her age or may never reveal his/her real age to the child, even after forming an established online relationship. - InternetSafety.org
Grooming: manipulative behaviors that the abuser uses to gain access to a potential victim, coerce them to agree to the abuse, and reduce the risk of being caught. - RAINN.
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Red Flags to Identify Potential Grooming
Although grooming can be a form of manipulation, it is not something that has to go undetected. I have compiled common tactics, behaviors, and methods from various online publications/websites as well as personal stories told from victims of grooming on this website. This blog aims to help anyone who has been/is currently in a situation where they feel they are being groomed by someone else on this website.
One key thing to note is that grooming is a combination of these tactics, it is a pattern of behavior. There is a difference between being friends with someone vs trying to groom/manipulate them. If you read this blog and fear that you are currently being groomed by another user on this website, please reach out to CheapCheep, Koolness234, or BrandonPinzu as they will help address the situation privately.
Note - I phrase these tactics in the point of view of “they” and “you”. “They” is meant to describe the groomer while “you” is the victim of the situation.
**Red Flags of Grooming Behaviors**
1. Ask to Communicate Only Privately
They may want to start a friendship with you, but only in private. They will take you away from the public, only wanting to chat in private or direct messages- avoiding the public eye like the blogs page or in a group Skype chat. Although this may seem more personal, this is done to hide the closeness between an adult and a minor. They do not want to be questioned or to be called out for their behavior in public.
2. Pretend to be Younger
When they reach out to you, they will likely already know you are underage. To hide their power dynamic, they will often lie about their age as well to appear more relatable and less threatening. They may lie about being underage to come off as a peer to you, or they might just subtract a few years to make them appear less threatening/intimidating at first. Either way, lying about their age to appear younger is never a good sign.
2.5 Make You Feel Older
On the other side of this tactic is when the person may make you feel older/more mature than you actually are. They might say “you act older than other people your age” or compliment you about your maturity. This may be them trying to rationalize their feelings toward you or to shift your perception of yourself- thinking that if you act older, then talking to someone older isn’t weird. Overall, they want to normalize the age difference between you and them.
3. Trust Development & Keep Secrets
They may expose secrets / personal information about themselves early on, such as details about their personal life, family, interests. Although these may be true, they could be making up stories to once again appear more relatable to you. The main goal for them is to gain your trust and expect you to reciprocate their actions. They will offer information to learn about you. It may seem friendly, but this information they are asking for could be used against you.
4. Seek Personal / Private Information
After offering details about themselves, they may introduce personal topics and shift the focus to you. This again is used to gain your trust and create a strong bond/friendship between you and them. The difference between a normal friendship and a grooming relationship is regarding the details that are asked and if the questions begin to turn sexual. They may start as casual questions that slowly ease into a sexual nature.
5. Asking about Parental Interference
Because the groomer knows that what they intend on doing could get them in trouble, they may ask questions regarding your parents. They will gauge the danger in grooming you by asking questions like “do your parents monitor your texts?”, “is your Internet history monitored?”, or general questions regarding how involved your parents may be with your online interactions. They are not trying to get to know you at this point, they are trying to see if they are at risk of being caught.
6. Asking to See a Regular Photo of You
After they get to know you, the topic of asking to see a photo of your face may come up. This request can be disguised as an innocent question, asking to see you since you are now “friends”. You should not feel pressured to share a photo, especially if you are uncomfortable with the age gap between the two of you. This may start as an innocent face photo, but it opens the window of opportunity for them to ask you for more photos down the line.
7. Gradually Introduce Sexual Topics
After building trust and a friendship, their questions tend to slowly turn sexual. Instead of asking about your interests, the questions will turn toward asking about your physical body, your sexual history/experience, or your sexuality. At first, these can be disguised as compliments, such as complimenting a photo of you or making suggestive remarks and playing them off in a joking manner. The goal is to desensitize the victim toward sexual topics in hopes of gaining further sexual gratification down the line. If they pick up on you allowing them to make these comments, they will not stop.
8. Engage in Sexual Activity such as Sexting and Swapping Lewd Photos.
Once desensitized to sexual conversations, they will reveal their true intentions of seeking sexual gratification. This may come as an unexpected photo or asking to swap photos with you to mutually seek gratification. This is commonly the main end goal of groomers, to build up a “friendship” to gain something sexual from their victims. Although they may say it’s “normal” for “friends” to do this, they are essentially asking you to provide them with child pornography, which is illegal.
9. Normalize their Behavior
Another tactic that is commonly used is telling the victim that the actions/behavior is normal, making excuses to normalize their behavior. They may make excuses about “oh you’re almost 18” or say the age gap isn’t unnatural, just to make the victim not question the behavior. Another tactic may be to make the behavior not seem like a big deal, saying that it’s normal for two friends to send photos to one another. Ultimately, they will try and make you think everything is normal and not question their actions.
10. Isolate the Victim
Once you build the friendship, the groomer may attempt to isolate you from your other friends. This is done to make you more reliant on them, removing the other people in their life so they are the only one you can turn to. This can be done through spreading lies about your friends, starting rumors, or telling you they dislike people who you are close to. With fewer people who you can turn to or trust in, they are increasing their power dynamic and power over you.
11. Playing the Victim Card
If they notice you drifting away, they will try to restructure your perception to frame themselves as the victim. They will try to guilt you into remaining their friend. They want to make you feel like they need you and that you are the villain for leaving them. This can range from simple guilt-tripping to intense threats such as self-harm if you leave. Despite the power imbalance, they will try to make it seem like they need you and that you have to stay for their wellbeing.
12. Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a form of persistent manipulation that causes the victim to doubt her or himself, ultimately lose her or his sense of perception, identity, and self-worth. Gaslighting creates a subtle, but inequitable, power dynamic in a relationship, allowing the groomer to gain and maintain control.
The groomer may attempt to gaslight you, telling you lies to make you question what you believe. The intention is to make the victim unaware of how severe the situation may be by forcing them to question what is real.
13. Blackmail
If you threaten to leave the relationship, they may resort to blackmail. This could range from leaking the personal information you shared, spreading the photos you sent to them, outing your sexuality, or contacting their family members. This is one of the ulterior motives they may have for asking about your personal information. It is a culmination of everything and a defensive tactic to protect themselves. They will depend on the power imbalance they created to ensure that they continue to dominate the situation.
~~Conclusion~~
Grooming is a pattern of repeated behavior, a blend of the red flags up above. If you feel you are falling victim to grooming on this website, please reach out to a moderator to seek assistance within the website. They are here to make this site safe for all the players.
I know that to many, this blog may seem obvious or not needed. People may even blame victims for allowing themselves to get into a situation that involves grooming. However, as a victim, I believe that being able to recognize warning signs ahead of time can be life-changing. I was 16 years old when I had met the person who preyed on me and I had no idea what grooming was at the time. After working on this blog, I was able to think back and apply many of these warning signs to the “relationship” I had “built” with the person who was preying on me. I hope that there are no more groomers on this website, but I want to do anything I can to help others prevent being victimized by disgusting adults who take advantage of children online.
If you believe you are being groomed or have been preyed on by an adult on this website, do not be silent. I know it can be difficult to speak up, but you should not be forced to be silenced by your trauma. Being a victim of being preyed on by an adult is not childish drama, it is a serious discussion that needs to be had to keep you safe. To seek justice on Tengaged, please reach out to the moderators. If you fear the groomer holds potential danger that extends beyond this website, please access any of the links below.
I like you and all Calvin and what she did wasn't cool, but a blog about it every couple days really starts to lose value and seems less like a form of healing and warning and more an attempt for a top blog.
I disagree with the above comments. You stated you would be making a blog like this much earlier, it's not like you randomly decided to log on tonight and write this. And pedophilia has been a MAJOR issue on here for a decade now. I get people not wanting to read about it on here but this is the first real push the website has had in fixing this problem. The time hasn't passed on this conversation.
Posting this comment here in case others try to jump on sosyomomma
I didn’t mention anyone by name in this blog for a reason. I am spreading this message in hopes to help minors on this website identify when someone is trying to groom them. I am not trying to get attention on me or my situation, but I wanted to use what I went through to help others avoid what I experienced.
I do not want or need a top blog on this site for clout. I did send this to 12 people to plus, but it is because I wanted the blog to be seen. Not for clout, but in case someone who was in danger was able to read it. I understand it may come off as I genuine to spam it and I hear your points
i think it's interesting how a survivor trying to help minors identify the signs of grooming and seek help escaping that situation is viewed as making a grab for attention. some of these comments lack compassion and i'd highly suggest taking the time to think about how isolated and alone these minors might be feeling right now. this is not just important on this website, but out in the world where many teenagers are in danger of being groomed by family friends, etc. please understand that pedophilia is not discussed enough irl because many survivors are scared to bring it up out of fear of being viewed as "attention-seeking" for talking about their experiences.
Yeah, not here for Lemjam6 trying to shut down this conversation because he is sick of hearing about this. You know what blogs I am sick of? Shitty PYN blogs or users using their blogs to bully people they don't like.
Thank you for all the extensive research you've done SMoothStalker12 and my apologies for not getting back to your latest PM. Your blog laid it out very extensively and I think more users should be aware of grooming and how to identify if they are being groomed. I know first-hand the work you've put into this blog and -not talking about it- only protects predators and those who enable them and their actions.
This is definitely a serious topic and no adult should be taking advantage of any minor on an online community. I definitely think some people won’t take it as seriously until it happens to someone in their close circle but it’s important to at least be aware, especially if it can be stopped or prevented early on.
You both have engaged in petty bullying tactics towards each other. You seem to think you're above him though... but you're not, you're just as fucking nuts as he is.
Johnny and I disagree more often than we agree, and I'm not certain he would even call me a friend. I just think you're full of yourself and stoop to vile shit just as much as he does.
On another note, I do agree you have a really fucking awful take here.
When I was 16/17 a tengaged user (at least 5/6 years older than me), whose behavior has been widely excused by a large majority of the website, made me feel very uncomfortable by talking to me privately in an intimate tone repeatedly (asking me to call him his husband, kissing emojis, very casually flirting, getting upset with me whenever I didn't return affection). Admittedly nothing overtly sexual ever happened but I was asked to send a picture of myself in tight jeans, which in hindsight (nearly ten years ago now) is a huge red flag for me. When I expressed my discomfort I was made to feel immature by both this user and the friend group I was associating with at the time, and was told that my discomfort was unwarranted because "they talk like that to everyone".
Thank God for tengaged user David who was always such a great friend and role model for me on the website who was the one adult who called it out to me for what it was at the time, and I'll always remember her for that.
This same user has been brought up a few times before by other members of the community with very familiar circumstances, and their behavior has been defended by many members of the community as a personality quirk. While I would not go as far to label this person as a predator, as I know of no times where they engaged in overtly sexual behavior with a minor, I find their past behavior extremely inappropriate and potentially harmful.
We need to do better, and blogs like this, while helpful to those who may be victims of grooming, should also be used by the adult members of the community to help safeguard our underage users, so thank you for posting this!
