about the song "all eyes on me" by Bo Burnham.
This song helped me realize my mental turmoil.
I lost my mom in 2018. It was devastating, but it was expected. I have no regrets about the last years of her life, as I was with her every single day, every single hour. If I wasnt working a 40+ hour week, I was at home working a 40 hour week taking care of her as she declined. We were very close. Best friends. It was hard for me to lose my mother. It was pain that I never thought was even imaginable.
I slowly came out of it, out of that grief and misery, and was starting my life again, and excited! In school full time and trying to attempt to find a job that I loved, while being in school to better my own life. I had finally reached the end of the grieving period (although it never truly ever goes away after you feel that pain. Unfortunate fact of life.)
Then in February of 2021, I lost my dad, suddenly. He dropped dead. I had just come out of that mental turmoil and recovered, only to be forced back down into it once again only worse. Was his only daughter. We were best friends. We saw and talked to each other every single day even though we lived apart. He helped me through life, my entire life, and gave me everything I could have ever wanted.
And suddenly, I was back to not living anymore. Taking drugs just to not be conscious anymore and not feel that pain again, and this time, it was worse. It was sudden. The world suddenly had no link to me, it didnt make sense, nothing made sense anymore. I didnt want to live. I wanted to die with them just to be where they are.
"Where everybody gasp knows" knowing Bo, this is a reference to panic attacks, and shortness of breath. he talks about this in interviews. But, to me, going where everybody knows is a deep and dark downward spiral into darkness and drugs to force myself to sleep and not live. This woke me up. This broke me down. This personified my depression and my anxiety, especially depression talking to. me, trying to tell me to give into it. The world sucks, you won't change it, it is forever changed and theres no way to get it back. This song quite literally saved my life and I still get emotional when i listen to it.
