I still wish the attempt would have worked. But I can't hurt my dad in that way. I can't even imagine.
Some triggers were the guy that I fell for turned out to be something disgusting that caused many girls pain. I struggled with this because I had such strong feelings for him and how I could have feelings for him and still want to be with him. Then everything changed when I found out the truth. There were threats of harm. I felt so scared but I also was so into him - he was so damn charming and won me over easily.
Another trigger is that my biological mother kicked me out of her house. Biological. Mother. I said to her, "do you know what it feels like to learn your biological mother doesnt want you around?" and her response was "so when are you leaving? you have a week". Keep in mind, this made me homeless.
Losing the person I have always thought was my better half, my soulmate, the person that wold be in my life forever and ever, really fucking hurts me. I am drawn to the mean ones. Low self-esteem? Who knows. But I still carry baggage over losing my other half and everything feels so intense. Years of inside jokes, years of memories, years of pain, years of celebrations - high school, college, growing up together. I thought this was my perfect best friend. My perfect match. We had survived so much. We'd cried together. Pulled each other up when we were down.
I tried to kill myself by crashing into a tree at full speed. That was the plan, at least. I have some incredible friends that when I said my goodbyes, they got in touch with my family. I was pissed at first.I didnt want anyone to worry, I just wanted me pain to end. Then an ambulance came up and I started hyperventilating so its not easy to remember after that. ( lemonfacealexclow345, i love you both so incredibly much)
My mom died a year ago now and it doesn't feel like its been a month at all. I'm at a really good place with my mother and my grieving. Grieving teaches you so much about yourself, it feels like a right of passage. There's a before and an after. And after, you'll never be the same person as you were before.
right now i'm struggling and having more and more bad days. Maybe its because its literally the same exact time she died. I've dealt with my grief over my mom. It hurts, but it does get better when you get to the acceptance phase. The pain I feel now is just feeling like my other half is missing. I have to get high or drunk just to not feel it anymore. I'm not even close to a fully recovery. But, I'm hoping i'm not far from it, at least, and I hope the pain of loss fucks off. My other half doesn't even know this. I can't bring myself to be vulnerable around them again to get my heart ripped into again.
Comments
Read over this and acknowledge that you’re still here - you have been to hell and back but you are still standing and trying to find some positivity in your life. Own that shit. You are strong as hell for going through this.
Forget everyone else and focus on learning to love yourself. It sounds so indulgent and a bit OTT to people but honestly once you start to believe you are worth more, you learn to respect yourself and as a result you will be more resilient to anyone trying to bring you down.
I don’t know you well personally but my inbox is always open if you want to chat or feeling down. You have got this. Take each day as it comes.
You are so unbelievably and undeniably strong. Depression is the worst, but if anyone can beat it its you. I sincerely hope that your days get better, and im always 1 click away from being in touch if you ever need anybody to talk to. Support is all around you.
I may not know you, but I want you to know that I am here for you if you need anything at all. This was so brave of you to write, hun. Please take care of yourself, you are strong enough to come out on the other side. xo
I’ve shared this site with you for years but we’ve never been close (in fact, we probably haven’t interacted more than once or twice) but wow. This was a READ. But I’m sorry you’re going through this. Reading between the lines I have a hunch about the actions of your former significant other and it’s best to just cut off all contact with this person ASAP if you’re in a position to do it safely. Narcissists and sociopaths are often extremely charming individuals (in fact, it’s their charm that allows them to get away with most of the things they do) so don’t beat yourself up for sticking by this person for so long or for getting so close to them. People like that literally operate only for personal gain and take advantage of genuine and kindhearted people. It’s their only way of being.
Anyways, I hope you get out of this situation you’re in soon. Surviving this much pain only means you’re a strong person, so don’t give up.
I'm sorry for everything you've been through, you've been through a lot and you're still standing that's a strong message to other people going through something similar. Keep holding on and don't give up because in the end you may not have won the battle but you will win the war <3
Wow this is super brave of you to post! I really admire your openness and honesty and I hope that things get better for you, if you ever need someone to talk to don’t hesitate messaging me <3
Forget everyone else and focus on learning to love yourself. It sounds so indulgent and a bit OTT to people but honestly once you start to believe you are worth more, you learn to respect yourself and as a result you will be more resilient to anyone trying to bring you down.
I don’t know you well personally but my inbox is always open if you want to chat or feeling down. You have got this. Take each day as it comes.